You Were My Sunshine ☀️

Today marks the 11th year since Elyce transitioned.  Since yesterday, this song was on my mind, as I was finding myself singing it.  Elyce and I would always sing You Are My Sunshine song to each other. This was so random, but I find that there’s always meaning behind things that pop into your head and heart.  I do find myself forgetting little things Elyce and I would do.  I’m grateful when these show up 🙏🏼

 🎶You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are grey You'll never know dear, how much I love you Please don’t take my sunshine away 🎶

Elyce was my Sunshine and when she left, that part of me died as well.  I’ve worked really hard to open up my heart and find sunshine in my life and although it’s been hard at times, I have been able to find the sunshine in many areas.  As long as I am living in the moment, they are still there. 

Places I find my Sunshine:

• Whenever I find feathers 🪶.  It’s been a sign from Elyce since she transitioned.  The other day I was playing Pickleball and as soon as the opponent served, a feather comes rolling across to my feet.  I stopped play to pick it up.  My opponents thought I was being high maintenance or was a weirdo lol.  I went on to explain the meaning of the feather, which made them smile and tell me to keep the feather
• People remembering stories of Elyce and sharing them with me
• Learning how Elyce continues to impact my friends and family
• Memories of Elyce
• Seeing a good sunset
• Being out in nature on a good walk or hike
• The beach - the feeling of sand touching my feet and grounding me
• Playing Pickleball
• Playing Tennis
• Spending Time with friends, both new and old, and building relationships 
• Helping others - specifically elders and special needs 
• Seeing a Down Syndrome child - gives me an instant smile because it reminds me of you
• Laughter - especially when I can laugh at myself
• Doggies
• Stephanie & Noe doing well and being happy
• Family - even though I don’t see them as often as I would like
• Making a difference, whether at work or in my personal life
• Music

Today, I can give thanks and be grateful for Elyce showing me how to love 💕.  She was the purest of love, along with some spice!

Thank you my baby girl.  Mommy loves you to infinity 💗💗

6 years today......

I miss you my beautiful daughter 💕💕. 6 years since you’ve been gone and it starting to feel surreal 🙏🏼. It just takes me to stop and look at pictures for the sadness and broken heart to start breaking all over again. This is my journey....not by choice, but it’s the cards I’ve been dealt with and I have faith and trust that things will get better. For now I leave you with this:

If I had a few minutes with you......I would hold and kiss you
If I had a few minutes with you......I would tell you over and over how much I love you
If I had a few minutes with you......I would tell you how lucky I am to have had you as my daughter
If I had a few minutes with you......I would trace your entire face, so i can memorize every inch of your face so I never forget you
If I had a few minutes with you......I would sing with you like we would in the car
If I had a few minutes with you......I would get down and dance with you like we used to do
If I had a few minutes with you......I would watch all your favorite movies with you
If I had a few minutes with you......I would treasure them forever
If I had a few minutes with you......I would remember them for a lifetime
If I had a few minutes with you......I would be so grateful and know it was a blessing
If only.................

Happy Birthday My Angel

Baby Girl, it’s your birthday today.! 🎉🎁🍰. You would have been 27 years old, but forever 21! I am so lucky to have you as my daughter and I love you with all my heart. You are such a beautiful spirit who has taught me so many life lessons that have helped me grow as a person. You were such a free spirited angel, that I only wish I can one day learn to be. Oh, and I miss that laughter.....that gut belly laugh that made everyone around you laugh just as hard. But most importantly, I miss our hugs and kisses the most. Those I can’t ever get back, so for now I can just remember how it felt to have you in my arms💔 Have a blast celebrating your birthday up in heaven with Baca, Papa John, Mansito, Frida, and Aba. LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER ❤️💜❤️💜

Faith

5 years today, baby girl, you left this world at 8:50 p.m.. They turned off lift support and I remember when the nurse looked at me and nodded her head to signal that you were gone. Few minutes went by and we started walking out of the ICU. I turned back to see you laying in that bed all alone and realizing this will be the one and only time I leave you completely alone. What happened after I left? Did they take good care of you or just throw you with all the other people who died? Then I think about them transporting your body to the crematory and wonder if the ones handling your body are handling you with care. Did they feel anything when they seen your little body being placed in the chamber? Who wouldn't feel the pain if they put themselves in any parents shoes. We are left here to try to answer our own questions, but we truly don't know. We hope we made the right choices on your final day. Although will there ever be peace over the choices we made? No. We just try to have faith that the body was just the mask of your actual self and continue living our life as best as we can. Faith has to be bigger than the fear and I think faith was bigger then and continues to be the hope of seeing you again 🙏🏼💕🙏🏼💕

Leading with the Heart

Tomorrow will be 5 years that Elyce has been gone. Those people who have never lost a child, can maybe think that 5 years is a long time and that a parent should be able to get to a good place or over it. Many know that a parent will NEVER get over losing a child, even when you have other living children to distract you. If anything, it makes it worse if you have other children at home, because you have to put on that face and be strong for them and the family. I did that for some time, but I knew that if I avoided it or distracted myself with family or other activities, it would be that much worse for me. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband to allow me that time to heal, but unfortunately, it's an ongoing lifetime process.

Just recently I realized that my anger, frustration, resentfulness, bitterness, and guilt that I have felt is due to my inability to change the situation. Sounds simple, right? Simple in that I should know I can't change the outcome of this. I can't go back to the way things were. I can't hold her, kiss her, smell her, parent her or see her grow up to her full potential. Simple, right? I wish I had a pill that would allow me to fully accept that this is my life and there isn't one damn thing I can do about it. This is where the healing begins. The deep raw healing that gets to my very core and breaks me down that I have no choice but to change my mindset.

I remember one of my first card readings I had in Temecula. I came across a small little shop in Old Town and decided to try it out. Back then I was not a believer, but I just followed the yellow brick road to wherever it was leading me which meant trying this out. The card reader told me that I would find a great love. What do you mean a great love? How dare she say that! Didn't I just tell her that I just lost my daughter? The greatest love of all is gone and no one will ever take the place of that beautiful unconditional love we had for each other. So now as I've been flashing back to those desperate months, I can understand why she said that to me at the time. Since Elyce was born, I've had my heart filled with love and it's all I've known. So that was the expectations of others around me. Love has a specific look and feel. If those things don't happen, then they can't possibly love me. Not fair to have an expectation of what love "should" look like. There will never be enough love that anyone can give us to satisfy us. We must love ourself and lead with the heart by asking ourselves if our decisions are making us or others happy. Are we giving without having an expectation.

In this lifetime, I'm learning that in this lifetime my journey is to learn to lead with my heart. For me to learn this lesson, my heart was going to be broken until then. To this date, I've learned things the hard way. I'm learning that I must lead with my heart and not my analytical logical brain, which has steered me the wrong way so many times. Don't get me wrong, being logical and analytical is great for work, but not for affairs of the heart. I'm down to the raw vulnerable me which is a bit scary.....feeling as if I'm naked. I've lost everything that is important to me. My only biological daughter was born with Down's Syndrome, then 21 years later she passed away. My Grandma passed away in March, then to get home and put my doggie Mansito down. I knew after putting Mansito down, that it was a sign of some sort and would affect my marriage. My husband proposed to me with Mansito and it was as if his passing was a sign. A few weeks later, I moved out and separated from the one man that I can honestly say, I love. So, if this isn't enough heartbreak for a lifetime, I don't know what is.

So, I choose Love.......Lead with my Heart not because I don't want any more heartaches, but because I'm understanding that self-love is our foundation to happiness and love for others. If I can truly love myself, then everything else will fall into place. The expectations will no longer be there, because I can't expect an external event or person to fill that void. The void must come from within me. I don't give up easily....i may fall and bump my head a few times, but i get right up. I get up, not for my ego, but because I know down deep inside I have so much more to give.

The one thing I have never or will never lose sight of is that my husband was my savior and my strength. I've always said, I knew I loved him when I left him watching Elyce while I was shopping. He probably didn't realize how much work Elyce would be, but he leads with his heart. I never once told Elyce to call Shane daddy. She did it on her own. He loved her so much!! He gave us strength to carry on and there wasn't any hurdle we couldn't get over as long as he was there and we tackled each situation together as a family. If you can just see the way she looked at her daddy, it would make anyone cry, because you can feel that beautiful connection and love they had for each other. If I can love my family like Elyce did, then I've learned my lesson here on earth.


Today, I asked Shane to write a sentence or two that I can add to her 5-year angelversary posting and to my surprised he wrote this short beautiful poem. Shane has always said how much he misses her chubby little hands. I am so proud of him, because I know it was hard for him to write this. As simple as it sounds, it wasn't easy for him because of all the emotions that go along with the feelings and truth behind the words. This brings me happiness and fills my heart.


Missing Your Hand
- by Daddy

Heading to the store
Where is your hand...

Heading to the park
Where is your hand...

Heading to the baseball game
Where is your hand...

Heading for a walk
Where is your hand...

Time has passed and all that is left is an empty heart and empty hand.

Walking the Fine Line During the Holidays

Since I can remember, I've always loved Christmas. It wasn't just about receiving gifts, but much deeper than that. Family and the Coming together with with all the cousins and uncles enjoying playing games and stuffing ourselves with the once of year tamales, atole, and bunuelos. You would leave with a full and happy stomach but also a bit horse from losing your voice from trying to speak up and be heard amongst all the family. This was what's it's always been about. The joy Christmas brought and the deep deep connection with something bigger than myself or family that I never really thought about until after Elyce passed away.

After Elyce was born, I remember going to church and listening to the holiday music during mass. I would have too hold back from crying, because the music would just affect my core deep inside my soul and I would get so emotional listening to this beautiful music. I'm not sure that I do know, but I feel it's my connection with the divine.

This year has been the hardest by far. It's been 4 years and 5 months since Elyce has passed and this is the 5th Christmas she has missed. I passed down the love for Christmas to Elyce. This was her favorite holiday and she loved like I loved. We both enjoying the giving part of Christmas...I taught her well. This is why this time of the year is so hard on me. I have so much anger and resentment watching other perfect family pictures on facebook enjoying the holidays and I cringe. I'm just counting the days till it's over, but down deep inside I wish I too can enjoy these holidays like I once did. But I can't! The anger and resentment take hold of me and I try to put on the mask so others don't feel uncomfortable when in reality I just want to stay in my bed and cry. This isn't a choice that I'm making, but it's survival. I wish this would be different.....but it's not. That's the reality! But I continue with just a little bit of hope that maybe next year will be better and maybe in the near future I too will be able to celebrate it, instead of waiting for the holidays to be over with.

I realize that the people around me, especially my husband, have to walk a fine line with me during these holidays. He usually will ask to see what I expect or want to do during the holidays and that in itself upsets me. But I get why he is asking. I've never been adventurous where I can get up and go somewhere. I'm more of a planner, so feeling the way I do at times, is difficult in all aspects, because there are times that I feel ok and other times that I'm not. It's the times when I feel ok that I expect others to know I'm ok and to help me plan, but that doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of courage to speak up and state it, but even with that, it's still a fine line that one can go too far and back we go into that funk.

I've always said mourning the loss of your daughter is being in survival mode every single day. You don't know what you are going to feel until it's too late and you feel it. My new co-worker who fought cancer and is a believer in the word "believe". She told me she wanted me to know that she knows it's a hard time of the year for me and that she wants me to know she is thinking about me and hoping the best. She didn't expect to make me cry, but I did. I am not one to cry at work or if I do feel it coming, I close my office door. She felt horrible and I even felt angry at her for disrupting me by asking me or telling me how she felt. She meant well and I know that without a doubt, but I couldn't help to get upset. How dare she talk to me about something so sensitive and at work?? She was yet another person meaning well and having to walk that fine line.

As I sit here and write, I see how difficult it must be for others to know what to do when they don't know what to do and all they want to do is to help! I get that....I'm a helper and I know I would want to comfort them. But please don't give up on us people....we are trying the best way we know how and we do appreciate all the support you have given us. That support alone had kept me here instead of wanting to dig a hole and crawling in it! So I thank all of you for hanging in there with me through my journey. I hope one day to help those behind me, as I continue doing the work and trying to not just survive but to soar!

Much love to all including my beautiful daughter Elyce, who continues guiding me from above 💜💜

Almost Four Years Ago - Flashbacks to That Day

It will be 4 years on July 20, 2016 that Elyce crossed over and left us. I flashback to the day she died and leaving the room when it was time to remove her from life support. My mom, sister, and a few family members that I trusted stayed in the room to watch the last seconds of her life. Shane and I couldn't bear to watch her last heartbeat, so we stayed and waited for the node from the nurse to tell us she was gone. I flashback and recall walking out of the ICU and turning back to see her laying on the hospital bed alone. I was leaving her all alone! How could I leave her alone? There’s never been a time I left her all alone without anyone watching over her and now I'm just walking away from her. I think to myself, will the nurses take good care of her? Where are they moving her to? Will she feel alone and scared when they move her to the morgue. This is the grief I deal with every single day. I don't always allow myself to go to this place, but there are times that I probably should so I can allow myself to let the tears flow as they may. It just hurts.....hurts so much that I get stomach pains from the sinking feeling.

Another vivid flashback I have was after I got home from the hospital. As you can imagine, I was exhausted and extremely sad that I couldn't stop crying. I finally laid down in bed and tried to close my eyes, but that's when I felt the overwhelming feeling of energy and I knew it was Elyce. In the past, I have only felt this feeling once before and it was shortly after my great aunt passed away. It's a feeling that is hard to explain, but I can describe it as the sensation you feel when someone walks in the house and you can feel them before you can see them. It's like that. When my great aunt passed away, I felt that same feeling and ignorantly thought she was going to show up in front of me. In Elyce's case, I felt as if she was actually laying on top of me. It was her...I knew it was her. We had such an amazing strong bond since she was born and I'm sure she wasn't ready to leave me as I wasn't ready for her to leave. Her soul was so powerful it scared me. I was afraid if I opened my eye, she would be standing in front of me. Strangely enough, when Rose (my ex-mother-in-law) passed away, I couldn’t feel her presence. Who knows....Rose was probably busy being with Elyce and It wouldn't surprise me if Elyce was able to feel her energy.

2 weeks following Elyce's death, I continued feeling Elyce's energy when I laid down to sleep and when I would awaken. It felt as if she was sitting on the edge of my bed watching over me. The first couple of nights, I turned my back to the window, because I had a chair next to my bed where I kept Elyce’s last clothes she wore. I literally would jump into bed, turn my back to the chair and close my eyes without opening them. As soon as I closed my eyes, I can feel her presence. Then I was able to feel the heaviness of her soul. Little by little I started opening my eyes and talking to her as if she was present. I would tell her that I wasn't scared and that I knew she was there to help me get through the first couple of months of this agonizing pain.

I remember when I first started meditating and how Elyce's energy wouldn’t allow me to settle into my meditation. At one of my meditation seminars, that was held at the Chopra Center, I met a monk that really spoke to me and asked him what I should do about Elycse's energy that was distracting me. He told me to just talk to her. He said, "Talk to her. She can hear you. Set up a pillow for her to sit and ask her to sit there and meditate with you. Tell her it's time to mediate and you will watch that she will settle down". So I did what I was told and purchased a pillow for her and told her it was time to meditate and she needs to settle in and meditate with me. I also told her that if she doesn't settle down, it would distract me. Sure enough, it worked.

Trust me when I say that I would have been the first one to judge this experience. In my analytical mind, things need to make sense and everything has a place and things fit in their place. Not in this case, right? But after going through this experience, I am now a BELIEVER. It took this horrifying event and pain to understand and accept that there is much more to this world as I know it. We all get signs, but we will never be able to see them if we aren't open to them. If we judge rather than accept there is "something" more; even if we can't pinpoint what that "something" is, then we won't be able to truly experience this wonderful gift we are all given.

Elyce's energy stayed with me for a bit over a year. I finally had to let her know that I would be ok and it was time for her to go on her way and continue her journey. It was difficult for me to do, but I didn't want to be the one keeping her from her other obligations. I do miss feeling her energy, but she hasn't stopped sending me signs. Those signs are always there and I thank you Elyce for all those messages. You send them when I most need them and for that I am very grateful!!