Today as I was driving to work, I was very emotional and cried all my way to work. While driving, I was picturing you sitting in the front seat of my car(well your car)and looking out the window with that big beautiful smile of yours. At that minute, one of the songs you used to love to sing and dance to came on and I knew that was a message from you. It brought a smile to my face, but then a burst of tears and me yelling and asking God why this had to happen to you. They say this is all part of what grieving parents experience....all the ups and downs and never knowing which part is going to hit you until it does. SCREW YOU GRIEF! YOU WILL NOT WIN!
These past months have been tough, because many of your friends graduated from high school. It was very hard for me to look at the pictures their parents posted, but I wanted to be happy for them and I tried to feel the joy that I felt when you graduated high school. When I look at any of your teammates for Special Olympics, it brings me back to when you were competing and how strong you were, even with all your physical limitations you had when you were sick. God....what an inspiration you were to me and to others. Yesterday, I received some pictures of some of your friends wearing a Special Olympics shirt that had written, "In Memory of Elyce". I was happy to see it, but again, it made me sad, because it should have never been this way.
I've found a great grieving therapist, who is not your typical therapist, but I feel she is helping me more than a typical therapist would have. She has many years of hospice experience and she wrote a book called, Dearly Departed. She combines typical therapy and brings in Reiki to help heal the areas that need healing. After each session, I pick angel cards and it fascinates me that they are always on point on where I am at that time. Mind you I could have picked very dark cards, but that has not been the case. I can feel your presence when I'm having the Reiki performed and I know you are there by my side. It wouldn't surprise me if you have your hand on my shoulder, just like you always did when you were here on earth. Something about your touch, always gave me piece of mind and made me relax. And the many times you would give me a shoulder massage to try to get me to relax, while saying to me "it's ok mom....relax". Your touch is what I miss the most.
Before today, I was in the numb stage, which I don't like. This is probably the one stage that I dislike the most, because I don't feel anything. When I'm in this stage, I think of you and think about your flesh and blood and how that is just gone...just like that, gone.......turned to ash. I know your physical body isn't what continues on, its your soul that continues living with me, but it's hard to not miss your physical body. Those beautiful eyes, your dimple on the left side (I have the same dimple on the same side), that smile....oh that beautiful smile, your chubby fingers, your cute butt that I would tap and say how you had a big butt and you would say, "No, you have a big butt Mommy". Those things are hard not to miss and that is what I grieve the most.
Next month is another tough month I have to prepare myself for. It will be 1 YEAR since you left us and went to heaven. Daddy and I will be going to Puerto Vallarta that week and we come back a day before your angelversary. I'm not sure what I will do for you, but something is telling me to go back to the ocean instead of having a mass for you. Something about the ocean and the energy and peace it brings me, I tend to lean towards that. The one thing I would like to do for you is to honor you and try to appreciate all the wonderful gifts you brought to me since day one and continue bringing me even now. Plus, you always like to have parties, so there you go, we have to celebrate you as if you were physically here. So make sure you are there....I will be looking for you my beautiful girl.
Someone recently told me that they see me doing something along the lines of writing a book. Ha....writing I say. I've never been a good writer, but I have considered it and already have a title for the book, even though I can't imagine myself writing, but will let the angels guide me. Maybe if I write, I can help others along the way that are dealing with similar grief. My motto these days are, "if it is meant to happen, it will happen. And whatever happens, happens as it should be". Sometimes I do forget this motto, but I know I have to let go the control and let the angels and you guide me to my next destination. For it surely isn't what I'm doing now. I'm in transition and I feel it. It scary, but exciting at the same time.
Until next time my beautiful Elyce. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
