Today I attended a Kundalini yoga class in Spanish. First time attending a yoga class in Spanish, but enjoyed it. Kundalini yoga is less physical and more mental/spiritual. I've attended one before and it was similar. After the class I had a ton of energy - probably due to all the fast breathing you do in the class. It helps circulate the oxygen in the body. I felt a lot of energy while meditating towards the end of class. I never know who's energy I'm feeling, but its the kind of energy that you feel when you close your eyes and you feel as if people are dancing and moving in front of you when indeed their not. After the Spanish class I spoke to the instructor. She asked how long I've been doing yoga and meditation and then the conversation went into losing Elyce. I mentioned the energy episode and she told me the following, which I've heard before but never really accept or believe its the case. She asked how often I feel Elyce and I mentioned probably every few weeks or month. She said it was too often and she says it sounds as if I was her world as she was mine and she probably is staying here for me. She also said we were practically one. She said whenever I feel ready that I need to tell her to leave and go to heaven and then say a prayer to help her leave. The lady said she probably doesn't want to leave me and I confessed that I enjoy when I can feel her presence.
After hearing this same thing again, I guess I may be causing her harm by allowing and accepting her to stay around me. It does give me comfort and I get really sad thinking of telling her to go. This is the part that I don't know if I should believe - the part that I'm not doing her any good by wanting to keep her energy close to me. I mean what do I do with that? I guess if I go with my gut and intuition, I would have to tell Elyce to go and be free and that mommy is going to be ok, but am I really going to be ok after telling her to leave? How do I know what the best thing for both of us will be? As I'm sitting here writing this blog, what song starts playing at the restaurant? Querida! Elyce's favorite spanish song - part of the song says, my love, Every minute of my life I think of you every day, look at my loneliness, look at my loneliness, that I don't feel we'll at all, I miss and cry still for you.
My day today felt so erratic - one minute I can feel Elyce with me, the next I'm telling her she needs to go and be with her grandma and alba and then the next I panic because I have to really think of how she sang and performed for me or how her laugh sounds or her beautiful smile - Then the crying comes on. Talk about bipolar!
A few days ago as I was in the pool - I could hear Elyce laughing and talking to Alba - as if they were teasing me and I turned around almost expecting them to be sitting there lounging on the pool chair, but obviously they weren't. I do wonder if my mind plays tricks with me, but it comes from out of nowhere - when I least expect it. So I wonder if I'm going crazy - I sure hope not ;-)
For now, I will do what my doctor ordered and continue meditating and focusing on my health, while enjoying my last days in paradise. I decided on this trip that I can do this for a very long time, so I better figure out how to make it work and move to a place like Puerto Vallarta.
Elyce will be cheering me on along the way.
