Since I can remember, I've always loved Christmas. It wasn't just about receiving gifts, but much deeper than that. Family and the Coming together with with all the cousins and uncles enjoying playing games and stuffing ourselves with the once of year tamales, atole, and bunuelos. You would leave with a full and happy stomach but also a bit horse from losing your voice from trying to speak up and be heard amongst all the family. This was what's it's always been about. The joy Christmas brought and the deep deep connection with something bigger than myself or family that I never really thought about until after Elyce passed away.
After Elyce was born, I remember going to church and listening to the holiday music during mass. I would have too hold back from crying, because the music would just affect my core deep inside my soul and I would get so emotional listening to this beautiful music. I'm not sure that I do know, but I feel it's my connection with the divine.
This year has been the hardest by far. It's been 4 years and 5 months since Elyce has passed and this is the 5th Christmas she has missed. I passed down the love for Christmas to Elyce. This was her favorite holiday and she loved like I loved. We both enjoying the giving part of Christmas...I taught her well. This is why this time of the year is so hard on me. I have so much anger and resentment watching other perfect family pictures on facebook enjoying the holidays and I cringe. I'm just counting the days till it's over, but down deep inside I wish I too can enjoy these holidays like I once did. But I can't! The anger and resentment take hold of me and I try to put on the mask so others don't feel uncomfortable when in reality I just want to stay in my bed and cry. This isn't a choice that I'm making, but it's survival. I wish this would be different.....but it's not. That's the reality! But I continue with just a little bit of hope that maybe next year will be better and maybe in the near future I too will be able to celebrate it, instead of waiting for the holidays to be over with.
I realize that the people around me, especially my husband, have to walk a fine line with me during these holidays. He usually will ask to see what I expect or want to do during the holidays and that in itself upsets me. But I get why he is asking. I've never been adventurous where I can get up and go somewhere. I'm more of a planner, so feeling the way I do at times, is difficult in all aspects, because there are times that I feel ok and other times that I'm not. It's the times when I feel ok that I expect others to know I'm ok and to help me plan, but that doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of courage to speak up and state it, but even with that, it's still a fine line that one can go too far and back we go into that funk.
I've always said mourning the loss of your daughter is being in survival mode every single day. You don't know what you are going to feel until it's too late and you feel it. My new co-worker who fought cancer and is a believer in the word "believe". She told me she wanted me to know that she knows it's a hard time of the year for me and that she wants me to know she is thinking about me and hoping the best. She didn't expect to make me cry, but I did. I am not one to cry at work or if I do feel it coming, I close my office door. She felt horrible and I even felt angry at her for disrupting me by asking me or telling me how she felt. She meant well and I know that without a doubt, but I couldn't help to get upset. How dare she talk to me about something so sensitive and at work?? She was yet another person meaning well and having to walk that fine line.
As I sit here and write, I see how difficult it must be for others to know what to do when they don't know what to do and all they want to do is to help! I get that....I'm a helper and I know I would want to comfort them. But please don't give up on us people....we are trying the best way we know how and we do appreciate all the support you have given us. That support alone had kept me here instead of wanting to dig a hole and crawling in it! So I thank all of you for hanging in there with me through my journey. I hope one day to help those behind me, as I continue doing the work and trying to not just survive but to soar!
Much love to all including my beautiful daughter Elyce, who continues guiding me from above 💜💜
