Faith

5 years today, baby girl, you left this world at 8:50 p.m.. They turned off lift support and I remember when the nurse looked at me and nodded her head to signal that you were gone. Few minutes went by and we started walking out of the ICU. I turned back to see you laying in that bed all alone and realizing this will be the one and only time I leave you completely alone. What happened after I left? Did they take good care of you or just throw you with all the other people who died? Then I think about them transporting your body to the crematory and wonder if the ones handling your body are handling you with care. Did they feel anything when they seen your little body being placed in the chamber? Who wouldn't feel the pain if they put themselves in any parents shoes. We are left here to try to answer our own questions, but we truly don't know. We hope we made the right choices on your final day. Although will there ever be peace over the choices we made? No. We just try to have faith that the body was just the mask of your actual self and continue living our life as best as we can. Faith has to be bigger than the fear and I think faith was bigger then and continues to be the hope of seeing you again 🙏🏼💕🙏🏼💕

Leading with the Heart

Tomorrow will be 5 years that Elyce has been gone. Those people who have never lost a child, can maybe think that 5 years is a long time and that a parent should be able to get to a good place or over it. Many know that a parent will NEVER get over losing a child, even when you have other living children to distract you. If anything, it makes it worse if you have other children at home, because you have to put on that face and be strong for them and the family. I did that for some time, but I knew that if I avoided it or distracted myself with family or other activities, it would be that much worse for me. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband to allow me that time to heal, but unfortunately, it's an ongoing lifetime process.

Just recently I realized that my anger, frustration, resentfulness, bitterness, and guilt that I have felt is due to my inability to change the situation. Sounds simple, right? Simple in that I should know I can't change the outcome of this. I can't go back to the way things were. I can't hold her, kiss her, smell her, parent her or see her grow up to her full potential. Simple, right? I wish I had a pill that would allow me to fully accept that this is my life and there isn't one damn thing I can do about it. This is where the healing begins. The deep raw healing that gets to my very core and breaks me down that I have no choice but to change my mindset.

I remember one of my first card readings I had in Temecula. I came across a small little shop in Old Town and decided to try it out. Back then I was not a believer, but I just followed the yellow brick road to wherever it was leading me which meant trying this out. The card reader told me that I would find a great love. What do you mean a great love? How dare she say that! Didn't I just tell her that I just lost my daughter? The greatest love of all is gone and no one will ever take the place of that beautiful unconditional love we had for each other. So now as I've been flashing back to those desperate months, I can understand why she said that to me at the time. Since Elyce was born, I've had my heart filled with love and it's all I've known. So that was the expectations of others around me. Love has a specific look and feel. If those things don't happen, then they can't possibly love me. Not fair to have an expectation of what love "should" look like. There will never be enough love that anyone can give us to satisfy us. We must love ourself and lead with the heart by asking ourselves if our decisions are making us or others happy. Are we giving without having an expectation.

In this lifetime, I'm learning that in this lifetime my journey is to learn to lead with my heart. For me to learn this lesson, my heart was going to be broken until then. To this date, I've learned things the hard way. I'm learning that I must lead with my heart and not my analytical logical brain, which has steered me the wrong way so many times. Don't get me wrong, being logical and analytical is great for work, but not for affairs of the heart. I'm down to the raw vulnerable me which is a bit scary.....feeling as if I'm naked. I've lost everything that is important to me. My only biological daughter was born with Down's Syndrome, then 21 years later she passed away. My Grandma passed away in March, then to get home and put my doggie Mansito down. I knew after putting Mansito down, that it was a sign of some sort and would affect my marriage. My husband proposed to me with Mansito and it was as if his passing was a sign. A few weeks later, I moved out and separated from the one man that I can honestly say, I love. So, if this isn't enough heartbreak for a lifetime, I don't know what is.

So, I choose Love.......Lead with my Heart not because I don't want any more heartaches, but because I'm understanding that self-love is our foundation to happiness and love for others. If I can truly love myself, then everything else will fall into place. The expectations will no longer be there, because I can't expect an external event or person to fill that void. The void must come from within me. I don't give up easily....i may fall and bump my head a few times, but i get right up. I get up, not for my ego, but because I know down deep inside I have so much more to give.

The one thing I have never or will never lose sight of is that my husband was my savior and my strength. I've always said, I knew I loved him when I left him watching Elyce while I was shopping. He probably didn't realize how much work Elyce would be, but he leads with his heart. I never once told Elyce to call Shane daddy. She did it on her own. He loved her so much!! He gave us strength to carry on and there wasn't any hurdle we couldn't get over as long as he was there and we tackled each situation together as a family. If you can just see the way she looked at her daddy, it would make anyone cry, because you can feel that beautiful connection and love they had for each other. If I can love my family like Elyce did, then I've learned my lesson here on earth.


Today, I asked Shane to write a sentence or two that I can add to her 5-year angelversary posting and to my surprised he wrote this short beautiful poem. Shane has always said how much he misses her chubby little hands. I am so proud of him, because I know it was hard for him to write this. As simple as it sounds, it wasn't easy for him because of all the emotions that go along with the feelings and truth behind the words. This brings me happiness and fills my heart.


Missing Your Hand
- by Daddy

Heading to the store
Where is your hand...

Heading to the park
Where is your hand...

Heading to the baseball game
Where is your hand...

Heading for a walk
Where is your hand...

Time has passed and all that is left is an empty heart and empty hand.