The Calm Before the Storm

This month coming up is one that I'm dreading. I'm not even sure how to get through your birthday and then right after that, Mother's Day. I'm starting to feel the heart palpitations again from the anticipation of these two very important dates. I can't even begin to think how I'm going to get through them. Your birthday has always been so important to you and I can't figure out what I can do to make it special. In reality, I just want to run away and hide and I will probably do just that, but even that saddens me. I've never been one to run away, but I don't know how else to face it.

Mother's Day is obsolete to me since the day you passed. What's so special of celebrating this day without you here with me? Yes, I know some people are going to think and try to tell me that I have 2 other children that need me. blah blah blah, but I don't care what others think since they have absolutely no idea how someone would feel losing their ONLY biological child. I'm going to have to keep myself busy and maybe get away from the house for the weekend to be alone and just cry from all the sadness I will be feeling that day and the days leading up to this day.

I've been worried lately, because this past week I got back into my funk again and it's scaring me. It scares me, because its starting to feel like it wants to stick around and I'm doing everything in my power to push this depression away. Tennis has been my safe haven where I can go and get away and have a good time, but lately even that doesn't help as much as it used to. I'm doing yoga once a week, but I need to consider going more often to see if it helps. The last thing I want to do is medicate myself with chemicals and toxins. I'm trying to do it the natural way so God help me.



Maybe calling my spirit guides to help me right now is what I need to consider doing. After all they are there to guide me via intuition and nudge me to stay on track of my soul's purpose whatever that may be. Up to this day, I've been going with my intuition and attending various workshops that I feel are guiding me as you have been. I don't question my decision or judge them, since I know I'm being guided even if it's never been my norm before your passing. I simple just go and take in what I feel applies to me. Recently, I haven't been meditating as much as I should. The main reason has been, because I can't seem to get my thoughts to quiet down or the anger to subside when I meditate at home and sometimes it's better to walk away and take a walk rather than try to meditate. Although, I know I need to find another place that will give me peace and typically it's when I attend the meditation class once a week. There is something sacred about this place that I am able to relax and mediate right from the start.

Anther memorable day will be May 29, which is Shane and my anniversary. We hope to get away for the weekend and play some golf and tennis, but I will be thinking of the day we got married and how daddy presented you with a beautiful cross necklace made out of sapphires, like my ring. It was so special and you adored your daddy. It was as if you got married too.



Once May is out of the way, then I have a month and a half to then face your angelversary. Another day that will be tough, but Shane and I already made plans to go to Puerto Vallarta that week and return on Friday the 19th. Stephanie will be in Puerto Vallarta another week and Noe will be staying with Shane's dad, so Shane and I can spend this day together and weep.

Just anticipating all this makes me anxious, so I have to try to stay in the present moment and face one day at a time. This will most likely be my last post until June, so I hope all my friends who are Mother's treasure the day with your children and count your blessings.

Walking the path

Today, I woke up knowing it was time to write on my blog, especially after you visited me in my dream. Even though I am happy when you visit me in my dreams, I woke up hysterically crying, because as much as I continue grieving your loss, I'm still shocked you are not physically with me. In this dream we all knew you were dying and I was prepping you for it and it was my job to take you down the right path. I recall not being able to find you and later found you with her pjs in her hand going down the wrong path. When you seen me you said, "oh mom", as you used to say with a sigh as if I was here to save the day or when you would be so happy to see me. Then I woke up with all these emotions inside me and crying until I fell back to sleep. This dream made me ask myself, I'm I holding you back from going where you needs to go? Are you lost or in limbo out there? I hope that wasn't the message, because it would make me sadder. I do believe you are where you need to be and that your visit in this dream was to let me know that we continue walking on the path together. I'm stretching here but have to hold onto hope of some kind. The other message can be that I need to make sure I'm walking down the right path and that if I have any doubt of a specific path, to steer clear from it and go with my instincts.

It's been an interesting journey since you have been gone. I'm always have had a keen sense of intuition and now that I am opening more up, I'm learning that I am seeing things more clearly. Some things I see may not make sense at the time, but as time goes by, the light comes on and it makes perfect sense. I'm holding on to the belief that things in my life are happening as they should. I'm where I should be at this present time.

Two days ago as I was driving home, I started thinking about you and Alba. I was trying to remember the day she passed away, December 15, and then I remembered the day you passed away, July 20 and it dawned on me that you were 5 years older than Alba. To be exact, 5 years 2 months older. You died 5 months, 5 days from each other. Your birthday is May 2 and hers is July 2. The coincidence in the number 2 and 5 is amazing. The other connection with the number 2 is, my birthday is August 22. We adopted 2 children. You and Alba were called, twins. My license plate has Elyce 2. Why 2 and 5, I don't really know, but there is some kind of connection with these 2 numbers and I'm sure I will know when I should know.

So wherever the road takes me in the near future, I will know the you are holding my hand and leading the way. I will know that this is where I need to be. For now I'm open to going wherever you think I need to be.....just lead the way.



Mommy loves you to the moon and back!