People who lose a child start living what we call, The New Norm. The new norm for me and other grieving parents is to learn to live a completely different life than the one we had prior to losing a child. Why is that? Because the loss we experience is the greatest loss of all and your world gets turned upside down. The divorce rate is high as you struggle to learn to adapt to the new norm and you realize you and your husband grieve differently. Depression sets in and you are basically living to survive.
I can clearly recall waiting for my sister and Mara to arrive before we took Elyce off of life support, Shane told me very directly that's its him and I that are in this together. He kept repeating it so I can hear it and not forget that's we are in this together. I was taken aback by his insistence and said, yes of course! But now as I sit here today, that simple sentence makes sense to me. Now we are being tested and now I can see why so many parents end up divorcing after such a traumatizing event! Recently, I was reading a grieving article and this parent wrote how her and her husband made love for weeks after losing their child. She even wrote, "how can you even be thinking of doing that after you lose a child? She said that their hearts were so broken they just wanted to hold on to the love they do have. That was Shane and I. I found it odd myself, but in those couple of weeks we felt we only had each other and needed to feel the closeness - so we made love every day. It was as if if helped us survive those few weeks.
Now it's shifted to where I feel like I'm alone in this grief. Even with my husband, I'm alone. Nobody quite understands what I'm going through, except another mother who had a special needs child and lost them as well, but it's still different. Nobody is the same. Shane and I are grieving in a completely separate and different manner. I'm open to new ideas and like talking about my grief, where he is quiet and doesn't talk much about it or open up to anyone about his grief. This separates us.
Some of the grieving parents I've talked to also say that they start the grieving process after they start going through their Childs personal belongings and/or move out of the house. people may wonder why move out of the house, well its because its a constant reminder of what we no longer have. This is where I'm currently at in the grieving process. This past weekend I started giving things away and it felt right. Although, I had some major crying sessions, anger sessions and denial sessions all at once, But I think it helped me move a step forward. I packed the items that I wanted to keep, like graduation stuff, things she made, her Special Olympics medals and ribbons, etc. A few days ago, I finally moved the purple pj top she last wore out of my room. The pj top was laying on the chair next to my side of the bed for over a year and I finally decided to place it in a plastic bag. I ended up storing it in the box where I had all the other items.
Fast forward to today - after my grieving therapy session, my therapist told me that during the session Elyce showed her a blouse or top and that Elyce was saying that I had a box of all the things that made me happy of Elyce, but that I kept this blouse that was the only thing in the box that made me sad! Mind you, my therapist had no idea that I kept her pj top next to my bed and that as of recent I decided to put it in the box. Wow...that little stinker Elyce! She is clearly with me more than I will ever know! That message made me smile, even though I know she probably wants me to let go of the blouse and I'm not quite ready for that next step.
