Coming Home

Why is it so difficult to return home after being gone a few days?  I'm literally sitting in my car alone down the street  trying to compose myself before I walk in.  Shane and kids are home waiting, but I can't get myself to go.  It has nothing to do with not loving them / but everything to do with the pain I feel in my heart of knowing Elyce won't be there. This is where the running away comes in and every time I experience this it reminds me I need to find a new place to call home.

I'm sure 99.9% of people can't understand this and never will and I never expect anyone to understand.  The reason I write these feelings for those that decide to read my blog is to explain in my own words how it feels to lose a child and how it feels so lonely.  My own husband can't understand either, but its ok.  It is what it is.  Many people remind me that Elyce wants me to be happy and I agree, but nothing nothing can help my broken heart.  It is shattered into pieces and may be able to be put back together, but will never be the same.  You will be able see where you glued it back together, but the beauty and strength of the heart will never be the same.  

I've always said I have 2 choices:  To keep fighting for my life and make it the best it can be in its new norm or dig a hole somewhere and climb in.  I'm choosing to fight for my life and try to live as Elyce would want me to live BUT it's still difficult lonely and sad place to be without my girl.