Almost Four Years Ago - Flashbacks to That Day

It will be 4 years on July 20, 2016 that Elyce crossed over and left us. I flashback to the day she died and leaving the room when it was time to remove her from life support. My mom, sister, and a few family members that I trusted stayed in the room to watch the last seconds of her life. Shane and I couldn't bear to watch her last heartbeat, so we stayed and waited for the node from the nurse to tell us she was gone. I flashback and recall walking out of the ICU and turning back to see her laying on the hospital bed alone. I was leaving her all alone! How could I leave her alone? There’s never been a time I left her all alone without anyone watching over her and now I'm just walking away from her. I think to myself, will the nurses take good care of her? Where are they moving her to? Will she feel alone and scared when they move her to the morgue. This is the grief I deal with every single day. I don't always allow myself to go to this place, but there are times that I probably should so I can allow myself to let the tears flow as they may. It just hurts.....hurts so much that I get stomach pains from the sinking feeling.

Another vivid flashback I have was after I got home from the hospital. As you can imagine, I was exhausted and extremely sad that I couldn't stop crying. I finally laid down in bed and tried to close my eyes, but that's when I felt the overwhelming feeling of energy and I knew it was Elyce. In the past, I have only felt this feeling once before and it was shortly after my great aunt passed away. It's a feeling that is hard to explain, but I can describe it as the sensation you feel when someone walks in the house and you can feel them before you can see them. It's like that. When my great aunt passed away, I felt that same feeling and ignorantly thought she was going to show up in front of me. In Elyce's case, I felt as if she was actually laying on top of me. It was her...I knew it was her. We had such an amazing strong bond since she was born and I'm sure she wasn't ready to leave me as I wasn't ready for her to leave. Her soul was so powerful it scared me. I was afraid if I opened my eye, she would be standing in front of me. Strangely enough, when Rose (my ex-mother-in-law) passed away, I couldn’t feel her presence. Who knows....Rose was probably busy being with Elyce and It wouldn't surprise me if Elyce was able to feel her energy.

2 weeks following Elyce's death, I continued feeling Elyce's energy when I laid down to sleep and when I would awaken. It felt as if she was sitting on the edge of my bed watching over me. The first couple of nights, I turned my back to the window, because I had a chair next to my bed where I kept Elyce’s last clothes she wore. I literally would jump into bed, turn my back to the chair and close my eyes without opening them. As soon as I closed my eyes, I can feel her presence. Then I was able to feel the heaviness of her soul. Little by little I started opening my eyes and talking to her as if she was present. I would tell her that I wasn't scared and that I knew she was there to help me get through the first couple of months of this agonizing pain.

I remember when I first started meditating and how Elyce's energy wouldn’t allow me to settle into my meditation. At one of my meditation seminars, that was held at the Chopra Center, I met a monk that really spoke to me and asked him what I should do about Elycse's energy that was distracting me. He told me to just talk to her. He said, "Talk to her. She can hear you. Set up a pillow for her to sit and ask her to sit there and meditate with you. Tell her it's time to mediate and you will watch that she will settle down". So I did what I was told and purchased a pillow for her and told her it was time to meditate and she needs to settle in and meditate with me. I also told her that if she doesn't settle down, it would distract me. Sure enough, it worked.

Trust me when I say that I would have been the first one to judge this experience. In my analytical mind, things need to make sense and everything has a place and things fit in their place. Not in this case, right? But after going through this experience, I am now a BELIEVER. It took this horrifying event and pain to understand and accept that there is much more to this world as I know it. We all get signs, but we will never be able to see them if we aren't open to them. If we judge rather than accept there is "something" more; even if we can't pinpoint what that "something" is, then we won't be able to truly experience this wonderful gift we are all given.

Elyce's energy stayed with me for a bit over a year. I finally had to let her know that I would be ok and it was time for her to go on her way and continue her journey. It was difficult for me to do, but I didn't want to be the one keeping her from her other obligations. I do miss feeling her energy, but she hasn't stopped sending me signs. Those signs are always there and I thank you Elyce for all those messages. You send them when I most need them and for that I am very grateful!!

Mother's Day Manifesto

Read this on FB and thought is was very fitting and I know this speaks my truth!

Mother's Day Manifesto

by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me. 

Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.

But please, just sit beside me. 

Say nothing. 

Do not offer a cure. 

Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.

Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.

Please be gentle with me.

And I will try to be gentle with me too.

I will not ever "get over" my child's death so please don’t urge me down that path. 

Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when  I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface. 

There are day when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of your absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief. 

Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.

My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I've learned, which are simply unanswerable.

So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.

As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child's absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder.

So this year, on Mother’s Day, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.

Don’t forget to say, “How are you really feeling this Mother’s Day?” Don’t forget that even if I have living children, my heart still aches for the one who is not here —for I am never quite complete without my child. 

My child may have died; but my love - and my motherhood - never will.

******

Learn more about how to find - or become - help:

certification.missfoundation.org

joannecacciatore.com

Sickness and Death

As I'm sitting here with this sinus cold and fever, can't help but think of how Elyce felt when she was dying. The one trigger that started me thinking about this was that my heels were hurting from being in bed for 24 hours. This took me back as I can picture Elyce's little heels turning red at the end where your heel hits the mattress. The nurse would turn her so she wouldn't get any bed sores, but then her oxygen would drop. Still makes me sad thinking of the pain she must of been in. I mean why was her oxygen dropping when they moved her? It had to be, because she couldn't handle being moved.

Here I am feeling sick with my entire body aching and I can't imagine what Elyce felt like or how others feel like when they are dying. There has to be some kind of mechanism your body has to protect people from so much pain. I wonder if the pain mechanism is similar to when I got my tattoo. At the beginning of the tattoo process I was meditating and felt a little bit of pain. I was well prepared to feel lots of pain, but surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, until the end. The last 5 minutes or so, I felt the sharp knife cutting into my flesh and I thought to myself, "I don't think I can do this much longer". Then next thing you know, it is over and I'm elated. Granted I'm not stating that this is similar, but all I have to gauge from is this or when we get sick and every part of our body including our teeth hurt.

Elyce had been sick since she was first diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in August 2009. Her ability to withstand pain was incredible. This always scared us, because she wouldn't communicate when she was in pain and we would have never known it if we looked at her. She always had a smile on her face and now I wonder if it was for us. After her diabetes diagnosis, she was diagnosed with celiac. She was little by little dying on us and we had no idea. Her little body wasn't absorbing the nutrients she needed, but again if you looked at her, she looked perfectly healthy. Once we started seeing signs like her legs and tummy swelling, we would know there was something wrong and that her albumin was low.

When I say, we had no idea she was dying, we didn't really know. Who would know? Although the one thing I do know now is that the divine was preparing me for her death. There were signs before her passing and now I can clearly see them. My intuition told me she wasn't going to make it and I felt it, but we question our intuition often. Especially something like this, we remind ourselves to stay positive, even when we feel it in our gut. Today, I listen to my intuition and it's my intuition that is leading me the way to a new start. Renting our house, moving out, finding a new job, and starting all over again. I'm being pulled back to the Bay Area...not sure why, but I know that's where I need to be. So let's see how this plays out, but I know Elyce is holding my hand and taking me on the path I need to be.

P.S. This picture I took from the internet and the funny thing is, that it was the very first picture that came up. Look at the moms ring....doesn't it look like my ring and my hand. These are signs and I don't miss many today.

One step forward, 2-3 steps back.

This past month I have finished cleaning out Elyce's room. Her clothes were given to her sister and to her cousin and luckily I am able to fit into Elyce's clothes, so I kept most of her jammies, socks, some blouses, and even a few dresses. The remaining items that really didn't have a lot of meaning went to St. Martha's 2nd Hand Treasures. I know that I was just on a task mode trying to get everything done, because I didn't realize how ideal it was to donate her items to St. Martha's until I actually did it. Elyce used to volunteer at St. Martha's 2nd Hand Treasures, so it made sense to donate the remaining items there. As I was in my robotic mode, I pulled up to the front of the store instead of pulling to the back of the store where they accept all donations. This donation was different....it was special and it was sad, so I didn't want to just hand over my box and have the person grab and toss it with all the other items. So I walked into the store and spoke to one of the little old ladies there and told her my situation. She kindly told me to sit still and shortly after the manager came to help me. The minute I seen her, I lost it. All the emotions I had been keeping at bay, just came out. The manager was very sweet and just stood there and told me it was ok and that she was sorry for my loss. She asked me if I wanted her to donate the clothes to a family or to donate them to the store. I told her it didn't matter, but I just didn't want her items tossed as if they were worthless. It took me 10 minutes to compose myself before I was able to drive home.

The other items I had left to go through, were all of her books. She loved books and had over 50 books that were in very good shape, so I thought I donate them to the library. Elyce loved going to the Temecula library any chance she got, so it was the perfect choice. I drove up and spoke to the lady at the front desk and she was very helpful and considerate. I had no idea that you can request a name plate to be placed inside the books that are donated. Not all books get cycled out to the library floor, but they were able to cycle out at least 8 books. The library manager was so nice about my situation and took me into her office to discuss how it would work. She handled each one of Elyce's book with so much care, that it made me feel so good about it. The thought that Elyce's books will be shared with all the many library visitors makes me smile. Who knew they also had a special section of books for "special needs" kids. <3 So going through her items was easier than I thought it would be. Everything made sense and it felt right. Let's go back to July 17, 2013. This day I was still in Puerto Vallarta so I can spend Elyce's angelversary there by the ocean. The funny thing is that I received an email stating that Rose had Elyce as a beneficiary to her will. I had no idea. Rose passed away a year and 2 days before Elyce and nobody ever mentioned a word to me. Unfortunately, money does crazy things to people and I think it did this to her bio dad. The sad thing was that instead of bio dad offering to help with Elyce's funeral, he never offered knowing there was money left to Elyce that should have gone to her funeral. The one thing I have never expected was help for my daughter's medical issues or when she passed away, but the fact that bio dad decides he should be the one to keep the money blows my mind. So now I ask myself, should I even try to fight him on this or let it go. Flash back to August 2012, my meeting with the medium. I went back to re-read my notes and it said that Elyce had put up this wall for her dad, but she was showing she had 2 dads and it wasn't the dad with the initial "S". The medium also mentioned some other things that I will not mentioned, but it made me realize that Elyce knew what her bio dad had done and probably flashed through her life seeing how he wasn't around very much towards the last years of her life. I ask myself, what would be the reason for me to find out about this money a few days before Elyce's angelversary? Of all days, why then? So I think Elyce was sending me a message and that she would want me to fight more on the principle then the money. So I ask myself, do I have the energy to do it? I don't know, but when I walked in the library to donate her books, there was this huge sign in front of the ladies desk that stated they now have a legal section in the library. I guess this isn't the norm for libraries to have and the other thing was that the manager introduced me to the legal assistant too. So maybe that was another sign. :-)
You Just Got to believe.....solo tienes que creer!

Coming Home

Why is it so difficult to return home after being gone a few days?  I'm literally sitting in my car alone down the street  trying to compose myself before I walk in.  Shane and kids are home waiting, but I can't get myself to go.  It has nothing to do with not loving them / but everything to do with the pain I feel in my heart of knowing Elyce won't be there. This is where the running away comes in and every time I experience this it reminds me I need to find a new place to call home.

I'm sure 99.9% of people can't understand this and never will and I never expect anyone to understand.  The reason I write these feelings for those that decide to read my blog is to explain in my own words how it feels to lose a child and how it feels so lonely.  My own husband can't understand either, but its ok.  It is what it is.  Many people remind me that Elyce wants me to be happy and I agree, but nothing nothing can help my broken heart.  It is shattered into pieces and may be able to be put back together, but will never be the same.  You will be able see where you glued it back together, but the beauty and strength of the heart will never be the same.  

I've always said I have 2 choices:  To keep fighting for my life and make it the best it can be in its new norm or dig a hole somewhere and climb in.  I'm choosing to fight for my life and try to live as Elyce would want me to live BUT it's still difficult lonely and sad place to be without my girl. 

New Norm and Messages

People who lose a child start living what we call, The New Norm.  The new norm for me and other grieving parents is to learn to live a completely different life than the one we had prior to losing a child.  Why is that?  Because the loss we experience is the greatest loss of all and your world gets turned upside down.  The divorce rate is high as you struggle to learn to adapt to the new norm and you realize you and your husband grieve differently.  Depression sets in and you are basically living to survive.  

I can clearly recall waiting for my sister and Mara to arrive before we took Elyce off of life support, Shane told me very directly that's its him and I that are in this together.  He kept repeating it so I can hear it and not forget that's we are in this together.  I was taken aback by his insistence and said, yes of course!  But now as I sit here today, that simple sentence makes sense to me.  Now we are being tested and now I can see why so many parents end up divorcing after such a traumatizing  event!   Recently, I was reading a grieving article and this parent wrote how her and her husband made love for weeks after losing their child.  She even wrote, "how can you even be thinking of doing that after you lose a child?  She said that their hearts were so broken they just wanted to hold on to the love they do have.  That was Shane and I.  I found it odd myself, but in those couple of weeks we felt we only had each other and needed to feel the closeness - so we made love every day.  It was as if if helped us survive those few weeks. 

Now it's shifted to where I feel like I'm alone in this grief. Even with my husband, I'm alone. Nobody quite understands what I'm going through, except another mother who had a special needs child and lost them as well, but it's still different. Nobody is the same. Shane and I are grieving in a completely separate and different manner. I'm open to new ideas and like talking about my grief, where he is quiet and doesn't talk much about it or open up to anyone about his grief. This separates us.

Some of the grieving parents I've talked to also say that they start the grieving process after they start going through their Childs personal belongings and/or move out of the house.  people may wonder why move out of the house, well its because its a constant reminder of what we no longer have.  This is where I'm currently at in the grieving process. This past weekend I started giving things away and it felt right.  Although, I had some major crying sessions, anger sessions and denial sessions all at once, But I think it helped me move a step forward.  I packed the items that I wanted to keep, like graduation stuff, things she made, her Special Olympics medals and ribbons, etc. A few days ago, I finally moved the purple pj top she last wore out of my room.  The pj top was laying on the chair next to my side of the bed for over a year and I finally decided to place it in a plastic bag.  I ended up storing it in the box where I had all the other items.  

Fast forward to today - after my grieving therapy session, my therapist told me that during the session Elyce showed her a blouse or top and that Elyce was saying that I had a box of all the things that made me happy of Elyce, but that I kept this blouse that was the only thing in the box that made me sad! Mind you, my therapist had no idea that I kept her pj top next to my bed and that as of recent I decided to put it in the box.  Wow...that little stinker Elyce!  She is clearly with me more than I will ever know!  That message made me smile, even though I know she probably wants me to let go of the blouse and I'm not quite ready for that next step. 

Letting Go?

Today I attended a Kundalini yoga class in Spanish. First time attending a yoga class in Spanish, but enjoyed it. Kundalini yoga is less physical and more mental/spiritual. I've attended one before and it was similar. After the class I had a ton of energy - probably due to all the fast breathing you do in the class. It helps circulate the oxygen in the body. I felt a lot of energy while meditating towards the end of class. I never know who's energy I'm feeling, but its the kind of energy that you feel when you close your eyes and you feel as if people are dancing and moving in front of you when indeed their not. After the Spanish class I spoke to the instructor. She asked how long I've been doing yoga and meditation and then the conversation went into losing Elyce. I mentioned the energy episode and she told me the following, which I've heard before but never really accept or believe its the case. She asked how often I feel Elyce and I mentioned probably every few weeks or month. She said it was too often and she says it sounds as if I was her world as she was mine and she probably is staying here for me. She also said we were practically one. She said whenever I feel ready that I need to tell her to leave and go to heaven and then say a prayer to help her leave. The lady said she probably doesn't want to leave me and I confessed that I enjoy when I can feel her presence. 

After hearing this same thing again, I guess I may be causing her harm by allowing and accepting her to stay around me. It does give me comfort and I get really sad thinking of telling her to go. This is the part that I don't know if I should believe - the part that I'm not doing her any good by wanting to keep her energy close to me. I mean what do I do with that? I guess if I go with my gut and intuition, I would have to tell Elyce to go and be free and that mommy is going to be ok, but am I really going to be ok after telling her to leave? How do I know what the best thing for both of us will be? As I'm sitting here writing this blog, what song starts playing at the restaurant? Querida! Elyce's favorite spanish song - part of the song says, my love, Every minute of my life I think of you every day, look at my loneliness, look at my loneliness, that I don't feel we'll at all, I miss and cry still for you.  

My day today felt so erratic - one minute I can feel Elyce with me, the next I'm telling her she needs to go and be with her grandma and alba and then the next I panic because I have to really think of how she sang and performed for me or how her laugh sounds or her beautiful smile - Then the crying comes on. Talk about bipolar! 

A few days ago as I was in the pool - I could hear Elyce laughing and talking to Alba - as if they were teasing me and I turned around almost expecting them to be sitting there lounging on the pool chair, but obviously they weren't. I do wonder if my mind plays tricks with me, but it comes from out of nowhere - when I least expect it. So I wonder if I'm going crazy - I sure hope not ;-)

For now, I will do what my doctor ordered and continue meditating and focusing on my health, while enjoying my last days in paradise. I decided on this trip that I can do this for a very long time, so I better figure out how to make it work and move to a place like Puerto Vallarta. 

Elyce will be cheering me on along the way.