Missing you my Angel!

Hello my Beautiful Elyce,

It seems like I have been missing you a whole lot lately. Last weekend I went to a yoga retreat and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was very emotional for me, but I was able to enjoy it and met some wonderful people. It seemed as though the presenters were all speaking to me all weekend, even if there were over 140 people at the retreat. We had a very inspirational speaker named Tom Kelly that really touched me, even though he made us do some crazy eye gazing :-). Talk about being uncomfortable staring into different people's eyes for what seemed like eternity, but nevertheless, I felt as if everyone can see my sorrow. 3 out of the 4 people got teary eyed and I knew they felt the pain I felt of having lost you physically. I happened to be talking to a group of ladies and told them that sometimes I'm mad at God, because he took you too young. At the end of the retreat, one of the ladies reminded me that if I'm mad at God, then in a sense I'm mad at you and I realize I would never be mad at you for leaving me or for anything. I realized at that moment that I need to get more connected with God and spiritually, so in turn I can keep you closer to me.

After the long weekend of being alone, I actually felt the way I would imagine an alcoholic feels, scared to come home and go back to the same old ways. I almost felt that I should be away from everyone until I can get it together, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do so or at least to the somewhat normal life I had before you left this earth. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't cringe when I'm around Noe and Stephanie. I cringe, because they are happy kids and healthy and it's a constant reminder that I will never hear your happy voice, or be able to hold and kiss you and hear you laugh hysterically. Yes...it's not the kids fault....I KNOW, but regardless these are the feelings that I have. This is why I started meditating and trying to become a yogi, so I can try to live in the moment, even though the moment doesn't include you. Yes....I know your spirit is here.....and people stop reminding me of that, BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!! I CAN'T HOLD YOU AND KISS YOU AND I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW. I even asked you to show up in my dreams where I am holding and kissing you, so that I can try to feel you that way.

Grieving is such an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I feel happy when I'm doing what I love to do, playing tennis, and other times I'm mad at the world, God, myself, Shane, kids, and anybody who thinks they know what I'm going through and tells me to do something as if they know it will work. It seems like the last 2 months I have been in the angry stage, but today I started thinking about how you felt going through the dying process. I started visualizing you when you couldn't breath and they had to intubate you. I wondered if you were in a lot of pain and if you were screaming inside trying to tell us something. Then I start thinking of what I could have done to save you and there are many things that I could have done better that would have saved you, if God didn't already have a plan for you. As your Mother, I knew there was something wrong and when your fever started and you fell asleep on the beach, I knew that wasn't normal. So I didn't wait long to take you home and make you some homemade soup. That night daddy knew there was something wrong with your voice, so there he went to emergency with you, but nothing showed up on the ct scan. Next day he took you to Kaiser and again nothing showed up and it looked like you were doing better, but then later that Sunday you complained about your side hurting and your voice was going raspy again and instead of taking you to emergency that night, I waited. Why did I wait? I knew there was something going on outside the norm, but I just thought I was going to ask Shane to take you there again and he had to work the next day, so I thought I had time to take you in the morning. The next morning it was obviously too late, because your organs started giving you more problems.....I knew your kidneys were a problem, because your urine was very very yellow and you were in pain.

I haven't really blamed myself or Shane for this, but I think after speaking to someone recently about you passing away, they brought up the hospital and why you even ended up getting sepsis. I mentioned to them, that the hospital wouldn't have seen it either and if I start putting blame on the hospital, I might as well put blame on me and Shane. The weekend before you got sick, we took you to Arizona and bought a picc line cover so that you can enjoy the pool. Did the pool water get into your picc line and is that how the bacteria got into your blood stream? Your picc line never got wet, but is that something we could have prevented? We also second guessed ourselves and were thinking about getting you off of the picc line before our trip, but we kept it in. I'm sure that others who lose a child or loved one, goes through this same process of blaming themselves. I'm sure they do, but after doing this to myself today, I realized it's too emotionally hard to ask myself these question and to think that I could have done something to prevent you from passing away. For my sanity, I have to believe God's plan was already written and there was nothing anyone could have done to save you. As much as I have always felt I'm in control of what happens to my life or yours, I was quickly reminded that I have no control whatsoever.

So now what? All I have to really hold onto is that I figure out how to keep your spirit close to me and living inside of me. If I could learn to love everybody the way you loved, than I will be successful. I know it's in me, because I loved and continue to love you unconditionally. But what does this all really mean at the end of the day? I really don't have any answers. All I can do is hope that you are leading me the way. I can only hope that I really know what my dharma (purpose in life) is in this lifetime.

Lychee.....Mommy misses you and loves you to eternity! I will never ever stop loving you and I hope when we meet again, you will not have forgotten me. I'm counting on that!

New Year - 2013

My beautiful Elyce,

Mommy survived the holidays. It was very difficult and I was on edge the entire time, but I manage to get away with daddy and avoid all the hoopla. There were certain things I couldn't see or get involved with, like seeing kids opening up gifts from others or listening to any Christmas songs, even though you loved Feliz Navidad. The other was being around everyone when the clock hit midnight on New Years. I couldn't hear everyone get excited and yell, "Happy New Year", mainly because it will never be a happy new year without you. This year will have no new memories of you and nothing to really look forward to, like I have always looked forward to events or competitions you were scheduled to have. When it was time for the countdown, I just slipped away to my car and cried. Cried, because I felt so lonely and cried, because you won't be here this year. The good thing, if there is such a thing, is that I survived it and was glad once the holidays were all done.

We are planning Alba's memorial service for this weekend. Even though it's tough to do another memorial service, I think it is nice for her friends to have some closure (if that's the proper word to use here). Daddy is making the video, and it's taking him some time, because it's so emotional. I know daddy will do a great job and it will come out as great as yours did. My plan is to setup a video camera for her friends to send a message to Alba's mom or tell her parents about a story about Alba that will bring some happiness to them. As a grieving Mother, I know how important those things are. I wished your friends did that for me, but I know they can't, because they are limited in what they can do. I did have a few send me letters that I will keep with me forever. The other thing we are planning on doing, is videotaping the entire memorial, so that her parents can have that memory, since they won't be here. Look out for the balloons we are going to release....they will have notes on them, so make sure you guys catch all of them.

Lately I've been having many dreams with you in them. They make me so happy. One was you dressed in your pj onesies and your boots. You were about 7 years old and it made me smile and happy, because I remembered how much you would like to wear your boots, regardless of the weather. One of the many nicknames Shane gave you was, "boots", because you loved to wear them all the time. In another dream, I remember seeing you and being surprised that you were there. We were at a party and I remember grabbing your hand softly, because I knew you were fragile, and I pulled you out to the dance floor. You were dancing with me, then you got distracted, because one of the kids grabbed a jar of yours that had stuff in it, and you got mad and gave them that look you always give when you are mad. I continue having other dreams that I do not remember too well, but I wake up knowing you were in my dream and get happy. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. I really enjoy it and I hope to continue seeing you there. Daddy finally had a dream of you too and I know he was so excited, so keep showing up in his dreams. He will be very happy.

Mommy has been a wreck lately. It seems like I can cry so easily these days and the tears just flow. I feel so lost again....not knowing if I'm coming or going. My health is getting worse and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm going to the Chopra center for a 4 day yoga retreat and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also trying to eat better and start on an ayurvedic diet.

There are days I just want to run away, but then I think if I leave, I'm leaving you behind. This house is so you and your room is still intact. I even bought some items to put up on your wall and hung the beautiful pink heart on your door. Did you like it? Your favorite color. So when I think about leaving (don't know where I would go) I can't get myself to leave, even thinking about going to Puerto Vallarta and getting away, makes me sad. I have never been alone. When I was divorced, I had you with me. We have always been connected at the hip and you were my side kick. So now when I think about leaving, I just get sad and feel so lonely, because you won't be there with me physically. When you left this world, I left with you. There doesn't seem to be anything here left for me, because I died when you did. There has to be a purpose why I'm here and you are not. There has to be something I must do before I leave this world, but what is it? What's my dharma? I thought I always knew what my dharma was, but maybe it's not what I think it has always been. I felt my dharma has been to help others with similar disabilities, or help other that don't have the knowledge or resources I may have, or mentor children, or be there for my family and friends and provide them with strength. Maybe it's helping my adoptive kids, but right now it's hard to wrap my arms around that, because I'm so bitter that you are not here. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get angry hearing young kids laughing and having a good time. I just want to run away, because it's just another reminder of what you are not able to do. Well I guess if I can survive this, maybe I can survive anything. Only the future knows what's in store for me and what my dharma will be.

I love you and miss you every second of every day. I hope you are happy in heaven with your twin. I'm sure you and Alba are hanging out giggling like crazy....like that giggle where I had to tell you to run to the restroom so you didn't go in your pants. That's how hard you would laugh and just hearing you laugh like that, would make me start laughing. That was pure joy to me. Until next time my baby girl....I'll see you in my dreams.

I love you this big (((((((((((((((( hugs kisses )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity.