Mommy survived the holidays. It was very difficult and I was on edge the entire time, but I manage to get away with daddy and avoid all the hoopla. There were certain things I couldn't see or get involved with, like seeing kids opening up gifts from others or listening to any Christmas songs, even though you loved Feliz Navidad. The other was being around everyone when the clock hit midnight on New Years. I couldn't hear everyone get excited and yell, "Happy New Year", mainly because it will never be a happy new year without you. This year will have no new memories of you and nothing to really look forward to, like I have always looked forward to events or competitions you were scheduled to have. When it was time for the countdown, I just slipped away to my car and cried. Cried, because I felt so lonely and cried, because you won't be here this year. The good thing, if there is such a thing, is that I survived it and was glad once the holidays were all done.
We are planning Alba's memorial service for this weekend. Even though it's tough to do another memorial service, I think it is nice for her friends to have some closure (if that's the proper word to use here). Daddy is making the video, and it's taking him some time, because it's so emotional. I know daddy will do a great job and it will come out as great as yours did. My plan is to setup a video camera for her friends to send a message to Alba's mom or tell her parents about a story about Alba that will bring some happiness to them. As a grieving Mother, I know how important those things are. I wished your friends did that for me, but I know they can't, because they are limited in what they can do. I did have a few send me letters that I will keep with me forever. The other thing we are planning on doing, is videotaping the entire memorial, so that her parents can have that memory, since they won't be here. Look out for the balloons we are going to release....they will have notes on them, so make sure you guys catch all of them.
Lately I've been having many dreams with you in them. They make me so happy. One was you dressed in your pj onesies and your boots. You were about 7 years old and it made me smile and happy, because I remembered how much you would like to wear your boots, regardless of the weather. One of the many nicknames Shane gave you was, "boots", because you loved to wear them all the time. In another dream, I remember seeing you and being surprised that you were there. We were at a party and I remember grabbing your hand softly, because I knew you were fragile, and I pulled you out to the dance floor. You were dancing with me, then you got distracted, because one of the kids grabbed a jar of yours that had stuff in it, and you got mad and gave them that look you always give when you are mad. I continue having other dreams that I do not remember too well, but I wake up knowing you were in my dream and get happy. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. I really enjoy it and I hope to continue seeing you there. Daddy finally had a dream of you too and I know he was so excited, so keep showing up in his dreams. He will be very happy.
Mommy has been a wreck lately. It seems like I can cry so easily these days and the tears just flow. I feel so lost again....not knowing if I'm coming or going. My health is getting worse and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm going to the Chopra center for a 4 day yoga retreat and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also trying to eat better and start on an ayurvedic diet.
There are days I just want to run away, but then I think if I leave, I'm leaving you behind. This house is so you and your room is still intact. I even bought some items to put up on your wall and hung the beautiful pink heart on your door. Did you like it? Your favorite color. So when I think about leaving (don't know where I would go) I can't get myself to leave, even thinking about going to Puerto Vallarta and getting away, makes me sad. I have never been alone. When I was divorced, I had you with me. We have always been connected at the hip and you were my side kick. So now when I think about leaving, I just get sad and feel so lonely, because you won't be there with me physically. When you left this world, I left with you. There doesn't seem to be anything here left for me, because I died when you did. There has to be a purpose why I'm here and you are not. There has to be something I must do before I leave this world, but what is it? What's my dharma? I thought I always knew what my dharma was, but maybe it's not what I think it has always been. I felt my dharma has been to help others with similar disabilities, or help other that don't have the knowledge or resources I may have, or mentor children, or be there for my family and friends and provide them with strength. Maybe it's helping my adoptive kids, but right now it's hard to wrap my arms around that, because I'm so bitter that you are not here. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get angry hearing young kids laughing and having a good time. I just want to run away, because it's just another reminder of what you are not able to do. Well I guess if I can survive this, maybe I can survive anything. Only the future knows what's in store for me and what my dharma will be.
I love you and miss you every second of every day. I hope you are happy in heaven with your twin. I'm sure you and Alba are hanging out giggling like crazy....like that giggle where I had to tell you to run to the restroom so you didn't go in your pants. That's how hard you would laugh and just hearing you laugh like that, would make me start laughing. That was pure joy to me. Until next time my baby girl....I'll see you in my dreams.
I love you this big (((((((((((((((( hugs kisses )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity.
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