Hello my Beautiful Elyce,
It seems like I have been missing you a whole lot lately. Last weekend I went to a yoga retreat and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was very emotional for me, but I was able to enjoy it and met some wonderful people. It seemed as though the presenters were all speaking to me all weekend, even if there were over 140 people at the retreat. We had a very inspirational speaker named Tom Kelly that really touched me, even though he made us do some crazy eye gazing :-). Talk about being uncomfortable staring into different people's eyes for what seemed like eternity, but nevertheless, I felt as if everyone can see my sorrow. 3 out of the 4 people got teary eyed and I knew they felt the pain I felt of having lost you physically. I happened to be talking to a group of ladies and told them that sometimes I'm mad at God, because he took you too young. At the end of the retreat, one of the ladies reminded me that if I'm mad at God, then in a sense I'm mad at you and I realize I would never be mad at you for leaving me or for anything. I realized at that moment that I need to get more connected with God and spiritually, so in turn I can keep you closer to me.
After the long weekend of being alone, I actually felt the way I would imagine an alcoholic feels, scared to come home and go back to the same old ways. I almost felt that I should be away from everyone until I can get it together, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do so or at least to the somewhat normal life I had before you left this earth. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't cringe when I'm around Noe and Stephanie. I cringe, because they are happy kids and healthy and it's a constant reminder that I will never hear your happy voice, or be able to hold and kiss you and hear you laugh hysterically. Yes...it's not the kids fault....I KNOW, but regardless these are the feelings that I have. This is why I started meditating and trying to become a yogi, so I can try to live in the moment, even though the moment doesn't include you. Yes....I know your spirit is here.....and people stop reminding me of that, BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!! I CAN'T HOLD YOU AND KISS YOU AND I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW. I even asked you to show up in my dreams where I am holding and kissing you, so that I can try to feel you that way.
Grieving is such an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I feel happy when I'm doing what I love to do, playing tennis, and other times I'm mad at the world, God, myself, Shane, kids, and anybody who thinks they know what I'm going through and tells me to do something as if they know it will work. It seems like the last 2 months I have been in the angry stage, but today I started thinking about how you felt going through the dying process. I started visualizing you when you couldn't breath and they had to intubate you. I wondered if you were in a lot of pain and if you were screaming inside trying to tell us something. Then I start thinking of what I could have done to save you and there are many things that I could have done better that would have saved you, if God didn't already have a plan for you. As your Mother, I knew there was something wrong and when your fever started and you fell asleep on the beach, I knew that wasn't normal. So I didn't wait long to take you home and make you some homemade soup. That night daddy knew there was something wrong with your voice, so there he went to emergency with you, but nothing showed up on the ct scan. Next day he took you to Kaiser and again nothing showed up and it looked like you were doing better, but then later that Sunday you complained about your side hurting and your voice was going raspy again and instead of taking you to emergency that night, I waited. Why did I wait? I knew there was something going on outside the norm, but I just thought I was going to ask Shane to take you there again and he had to work the next day, so I thought I had time to take you in the morning. The next morning it was obviously too late, because your organs started giving you more problems.....I knew your kidneys were a problem, because your urine was very very yellow and you were in pain.
I haven't really blamed myself or Shane for this, but I think after speaking to someone recently about you passing away, they brought up the hospital and why you even ended up getting sepsis. I mentioned to them, that the hospital wouldn't have seen it either and if I start putting blame on the hospital, I might as well put blame on me and Shane. The weekend before you got sick, we took you to Arizona and bought a picc line cover so that you can enjoy the pool. Did the pool water get into your picc line and is that how the bacteria got into your blood stream? Your picc line never got wet, but is that something we could have prevented? We also second guessed ourselves and were thinking about getting you off of the picc line before our trip, but we kept it in. I'm sure that others who lose a child or loved one, goes through this same process of blaming themselves. I'm sure they do, but after doing this to myself today, I realized it's too emotionally hard to ask myself these question and to think that I could have done something to prevent you from passing away. For my sanity, I have to believe God's plan was already written and there was nothing anyone could have done to save you. As much as I have always felt I'm in control of what happens to my life or yours, I was quickly reminded that I have no control whatsoever.
So now what? All I have to really hold onto is that I figure out how to keep your spirit close to me and living inside of me. If I could learn to love everybody the way you loved, than I will be successful. I know it's in me, because I loved and continue to love you unconditionally. But what does this all really mean at the end of the day? I really don't have any answers. All I can do is hope that you are leading me the way. I can only hope that I really know what my dharma (purpose in life) is in this lifetime.
Lychee.....Mommy misses you and loves you to eternity! I will never ever stop loving you and I hope when we meet again, you will not have forgotten me. I'm counting on that!
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