Coming Home

Why is it so difficult to return home after being gone a few days?  I'm literally sitting in my car alone down the street  trying to compose myself before I walk in.  Shane and kids are home waiting, but I can't get myself to go.  It has nothing to do with not loving them / but everything to do with the pain I feel in my heart of knowing Elyce won't be there. This is where the running away comes in and every time I experience this it reminds me I need to find a new place to call home.

I'm sure 99.9% of people can't understand this and never will and I never expect anyone to understand.  The reason I write these feelings for those that decide to read my blog is to explain in my own words how it feels to lose a child and how it feels so lonely.  My own husband can't understand either, but its ok.  It is what it is.  Many people remind me that Elyce wants me to be happy and I agree, but nothing nothing can help my broken heart.  It is shattered into pieces and may be able to be put back together, but will never be the same.  You will be able see where you glued it back together, but the beauty and strength of the heart will never be the same.  

I've always said I have 2 choices:  To keep fighting for my life and make it the best it can be in its new norm or dig a hole somewhere and climb in.  I'm choosing to fight for my life and try to live as Elyce would want me to live BUT it's still difficult lonely and sad place to be without my girl. 

New Norm and Messages

People who lose a child start living what we call, The New Norm.  The new norm for me and other grieving parents is to learn to live a completely different life than the one we had prior to losing a child.  Why is that?  Because the loss we experience is the greatest loss of all and your world gets turned upside down.  The divorce rate is high as you struggle to learn to adapt to the new norm and you realize you and your husband grieve differently.  Depression sets in and you are basically living to survive.  

I can clearly recall waiting for my sister and Mara to arrive before we took Elyce off of life support, Shane told me very directly that's its him and I that are in this together.  He kept repeating it so I can hear it and not forget that's we are in this together.  I was taken aback by his insistence and said, yes of course!  But now as I sit here today, that simple sentence makes sense to me.  Now we are being tested and now I can see why so many parents end up divorcing after such a traumatizing  event!   Recently, I was reading a grieving article and this parent wrote how her and her husband made love for weeks after losing their child.  She even wrote, "how can you even be thinking of doing that after you lose a child?  She said that their hearts were so broken they just wanted to hold on to the love they do have.  That was Shane and I.  I found it odd myself, but in those couple of weeks we felt we only had each other and needed to feel the closeness - so we made love every day.  It was as if if helped us survive those few weeks. 

Now it's shifted to where I feel like I'm alone in this grief. Even with my husband, I'm alone. Nobody quite understands what I'm going through, except another mother who had a special needs child and lost them as well, but it's still different. Nobody is the same. Shane and I are grieving in a completely separate and different manner. I'm open to new ideas and like talking about my grief, where he is quiet and doesn't talk much about it or open up to anyone about his grief. This separates us.

Some of the grieving parents I've talked to also say that they start the grieving process after they start going through their Childs personal belongings and/or move out of the house.  people may wonder why move out of the house, well its because its a constant reminder of what we no longer have.  This is where I'm currently at in the grieving process. This past weekend I started giving things away and it felt right.  Although, I had some major crying sessions, anger sessions and denial sessions all at once, But I think it helped me move a step forward.  I packed the items that I wanted to keep, like graduation stuff, things she made, her Special Olympics medals and ribbons, etc. A few days ago, I finally moved the purple pj top she last wore out of my room.  The pj top was laying on the chair next to my side of the bed for over a year and I finally decided to place it in a plastic bag.  I ended up storing it in the box where I had all the other items.  

Fast forward to today - after my grieving therapy session, my therapist told me that during the session Elyce showed her a blouse or top and that Elyce was saying that I had a box of all the things that made me happy of Elyce, but that I kept this blouse that was the only thing in the box that made me sad! Mind you, my therapist had no idea that I kept her pj top next to my bed and that as of recent I decided to put it in the box.  Wow...that little stinker Elyce!  She is clearly with me more than I will ever know!  That message made me smile, even though I know she probably wants me to let go of the blouse and I'm not quite ready for that next step. 

Letting Go?

Today I attended a Kundalini yoga class in Spanish. First time attending a yoga class in Spanish, but enjoyed it. Kundalini yoga is less physical and more mental/spiritual. I've attended one before and it was similar. After the class I had a ton of energy - probably due to all the fast breathing you do in the class. It helps circulate the oxygen in the body. I felt a lot of energy while meditating towards the end of class. I never know who's energy I'm feeling, but its the kind of energy that you feel when you close your eyes and you feel as if people are dancing and moving in front of you when indeed their not. After the Spanish class I spoke to the instructor. She asked how long I've been doing yoga and meditation and then the conversation went into losing Elyce. I mentioned the energy episode and she told me the following, which I've heard before but never really accept or believe its the case. She asked how often I feel Elyce and I mentioned probably every few weeks or month. She said it was too often and she says it sounds as if I was her world as she was mine and she probably is staying here for me. She also said we were practically one. She said whenever I feel ready that I need to tell her to leave and go to heaven and then say a prayer to help her leave. The lady said she probably doesn't want to leave me and I confessed that I enjoy when I can feel her presence. 

After hearing this same thing again, I guess I may be causing her harm by allowing and accepting her to stay around me. It does give me comfort and I get really sad thinking of telling her to go. This is the part that I don't know if I should believe - the part that I'm not doing her any good by wanting to keep her energy close to me. I mean what do I do with that? I guess if I go with my gut and intuition, I would have to tell Elyce to go and be free and that mommy is going to be ok, but am I really going to be ok after telling her to leave? How do I know what the best thing for both of us will be? As I'm sitting here writing this blog, what song starts playing at the restaurant? Querida! Elyce's favorite spanish song - part of the song says, my love, Every minute of my life I think of you every day, look at my loneliness, look at my loneliness, that I don't feel we'll at all, I miss and cry still for you.  

My day today felt so erratic - one minute I can feel Elyce with me, the next I'm telling her she needs to go and be with her grandma and alba and then the next I panic because I have to really think of how she sang and performed for me or how her laugh sounds or her beautiful smile - Then the crying comes on. Talk about bipolar! 

A few days ago as I was in the pool - I could hear Elyce laughing and talking to Alba - as if they were teasing me and I turned around almost expecting them to be sitting there lounging on the pool chair, but obviously they weren't. I do wonder if my mind plays tricks with me, but it comes from out of nowhere - when I least expect it. So I wonder if I'm going crazy - I sure hope not ;-)

For now, I will do what my doctor ordered and continue meditating and focusing on my health, while enjoying my last days in paradise. I decided on this trip that I can do this for a very long time, so I better figure out how to make it work and move to a place like Puerto Vallarta. 

Elyce will be cheering me on along the way. 

11 Months Today - Still in Shock

As I sit here thinking of how I used to spend my days with you, some things are a blur and it scares me that I'm forgetting. The blur may just be due to my body protecting me from all the pain of dealing with your death, but nevertheless, I don't ever want to have your memories be a blur.

Today as I was driving to work, I was very emotional and cried all my way to work. While driving, I was picturing you sitting in the front seat of my car(well your car)and looking out the window with that big beautiful smile of yours. At that minute, one of the songs you used to love to sing and dance to came on and I knew that was a message from you. It brought a smile to my face, but then a burst of tears and me yelling and asking God why this had to happen to you. They say this is all part of what grieving parents experience....all the ups and downs and never knowing which part is going to hit you until it does. SCREW YOU GRIEF! YOU WILL NOT WIN!

These past months have been tough, because many of your friends graduated from high school. It was very hard for me to look at the pictures their parents posted, but I wanted to be happy for them and I tried to feel the joy that I felt when you graduated high school. When I look at any of your teammates for Special Olympics, it brings me back to when you were competing and how strong you were, even with all your physical limitations you had when you were sick. God....what an inspiration you were to me and to others. Yesterday, I received some pictures of some of your friends wearing a Special Olympics shirt that had written, "In Memory of Elyce". I was happy to see it, but again, it made me sad, because it should have never been this way.

I've found a great grieving therapist, who is not your typical therapist, but I feel she is helping me more than a typical therapist would have. She has many years of hospice experience and she wrote a book called, Dearly Departed. She combines typical therapy and brings in Reiki to help heal the areas that need healing. After each session, I pick angel cards and it fascinates me that they are always on point on where I am at that time. Mind you I could have picked very dark cards, but that has not been the case. I can feel your presence when I'm having the Reiki performed and I know you are there by my side. It wouldn't surprise me if you have your hand on my shoulder, just like you always did when you were here on earth. Something about your touch, always gave me piece of mind and made me relax. And the many times you would give me a shoulder massage to try to get me to relax, while saying to me "it's ok mom....relax". Your touch is what I miss the most.

Before today, I was in the numb stage, which I don't like. This is probably the one stage that I dislike the most, because I don't feel anything. When I'm in this stage, I think of you and think about your flesh and blood and how that is just gone...just like that, gone.......turned to ash. I know your physical body isn't what continues on, its your soul that continues living with me, but it's hard to not miss your physical body. Those beautiful eyes, your dimple on the left side (I have the same dimple on the same side), that smile....oh that beautiful smile, your chubby fingers, your cute butt that I would tap and say how you had a big butt and you would say, "No, you have a big butt Mommy". Those things are hard not to miss and that is what I grieve the most.

Next month is another tough month I have to prepare myself for. It will be 1 YEAR since you left us and went to heaven. Daddy and I will be going to Puerto Vallarta that week and we come back a day before your angelversary. I'm not sure what I will do for you, but something is telling me to go back to the ocean instead of having a mass for you. Something about the ocean and the energy and peace it brings me, I tend to lean towards that. The one thing I would like to do for you is to honor you and try to appreciate all the wonderful gifts you brought to me since day one and continue bringing me even now. Plus, you always like to have parties, so there you go, we have to celebrate you as if you were physically here. So make sure you are there....I will be looking for you my beautiful girl.

Someone recently told me that they see me doing something along the lines of writing a book. Ha....writing I say. I've never been a good writer, but I have considered it and already have a title for the book, even though I can't imagine myself writing, but will let the angels guide me. Maybe if I write, I can help others along the way that are dealing with similar grief. My motto these days are, "if it is meant to happen, it will happen. And whatever happens, happens as it should be". Sometimes I do forget this motto, but I know I have to let go the control and let the angels and you guide me to my next destination. For it surely isn't what I'm doing now. I'm in transition and I feel it. It scary, but exciting at the same time.

Until next time my beautiful Elyce. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.

The Calm Before the Storm

This month coming up is one that I'm dreading. I'm not even sure how to get through your birthday and then right after that, Mother's Day. I'm starting to feel the heart palpitations again from the anticipation of these two very important dates. I can't even begin to think how I'm going to get through them. Your birthday has always been so important to you and I can't figure out what I can do to make it special. In reality, I just want to run away and hide and I will probably do just that, but even that saddens me. I've never been one to run away, but I don't know how else to face it.

Mother's Day is obsolete to me since the day you passed. What's so special of celebrating this day without you here with me? Yes, I know some people are going to think and try to tell me that I have 2 other children that need me. blah blah blah, but I don't care what others think since they have absolutely no idea how someone would feel losing their ONLY biological child. I'm going to have to keep myself busy and maybe get away from the house for the weekend to be alone and just cry from all the sadness I will be feeling that day and the days leading up to this day.

I've been worried lately, because this past week I got back into my funk again and it's scaring me. It scares me, because its starting to feel like it wants to stick around and I'm doing everything in my power to push this depression away. Tennis has been my safe haven where I can go and get away and have a good time, but lately even that doesn't help as much as it used to. I'm doing yoga once a week, but I need to consider going more often to see if it helps. The last thing I want to do is medicate myself with chemicals and toxins. I'm trying to do it the natural way so God help me.



Maybe calling my spirit guides to help me right now is what I need to consider doing. After all they are there to guide me via intuition and nudge me to stay on track of my soul's purpose whatever that may be. Up to this day, I've been going with my intuition and attending various workshops that I feel are guiding me as you have been. I don't question my decision or judge them, since I know I'm being guided even if it's never been my norm before your passing. I simple just go and take in what I feel applies to me. Recently, I haven't been meditating as much as I should. The main reason has been, because I can't seem to get my thoughts to quiet down or the anger to subside when I meditate at home and sometimes it's better to walk away and take a walk rather than try to meditate. Although, I know I need to find another place that will give me peace and typically it's when I attend the meditation class once a week. There is something sacred about this place that I am able to relax and mediate right from the start.

Anther memorable day will be May 29, which is Shane and my anniversary. We hope to get away for the weekend and play some golf and tennis, but I will be thinking of the day we got married and how daddy presented you with a beautiful cross necklace made out of sapphires, like my ring. It was so special and you adored your daddy. It was as if you got married too.



Once May is out of the way, then I have a month and a half to then face your angelversary. Another day that will be tough, but Shane and I already made plans to go to Puerto Vallarta that week and return on Friday the 19th. Stephanie will be in Puerto Vallarta another week and Noe will be staying with Shane's dad, so Shane and I can spend this day together and weep.

Just anticipating all this makes me anxious, so I have to try to stay in the present moment and face one day at a time. This will most likely be my last post until June, so I hope all my friends who are Mother's treasure the day with your children and count your blessings.

Walking the path

Today, I woke up knowing it was time to write on my blog, especially after you visited me in my dream. Even though I am happy when you visit me in my dreams, I woke up hysterically crying, because as much as I continue grieving your loss, I'm still shocked you are not physically with me. In this dream we all knew you were dying and I was prepping you for it and it was my job to take you down the right path. I recall not being able to find you and later found you with her pjs in her hand going down the wrong path. When you seen me you said, "oh mom", as you used to say with a sigh as if I was here to save the day or when you would be so happy to see me. Then I woke up with all these emotions inside me and crying until I fell back to sleep. This dream made me ask myself, I'm I holding you back from going where you needs to go? Are you lost or in limbo out there? I hope that wasn't the message, because it would make me sadder. I do believe you are where you need to be and that your visit in this dream was to let me know that we continue walking on the path together. I'm stretching here but have to hold onto hope of some kind. The other message can be that I need to make sure I'm walking down the right path and that if I have any doubt of a specific path, to steer clear from it and go with my instincts.

It's been an interesting journey since you have been gone. I'm always have had a keen sense of intuition and now that I am opening more up, I'm learning that I am seeing things more clearly. Some things I see may not make sense at the time, but as time goes by, the light comes on and it makes perfect sense. I'm holding on to the belief that things in my life are happening as they should. I'm where I should be at this present time.

Two days ago as I was driving home, I started thinking about you and Alba. I was trying to remember the day she passed away, December 15, and then I remembered the day you passed away, July 20 and it dawned on me that you were 5 years older than Alba. To be exact, 5 years 2 months older. You died 5 months, 5 days from each other. Your birthday is May 2 and hers is July 2. The coincidence in the number 2 and 5 is amazing. The other connection with the number 2 is, my birthday is August 22. We adopted 2 children. You and Alba were called, twins. My license plate has Elyce 2. Why 2 and 5, I don't really know, but there is some kind of connection with these 2 numbers and I'm sure I will know when I should know.

So wherever the road takes me in the near future, I will know the you are holding my hand and leading the way. I will know that this is where I need to be. For now I'm open to going wherever you think I need to be.....just lead the way.



Mommy loves you to the moon and back!

Signs

Hello my beautiful girl...it's been almost a month since I last wrote. It's not because I have forgotten about you....it's just been hard to write lately. After my last posting, I hit a dark place for a day. It was so not me and it scared me. I woke up one Saturday morning and I didn't have the energy, drive, and will to get up. I woke up thinking of you and crying inconsolably. For whatever reason, I woke up thinking of you and flashing back to the the last time I checked you in to the hospital and all the pain you were in. As a laid in bed crying, I thought to myself, Elyce has NEVER cried like that ever before....how much pain she must have been in and I felt so sad. Then I started thinking of the pain mommy put you through when I had to lift you up to place the bed pan under you and the screaming and crying that came out of you. Just writing about it makes me so sad and helpless. How can any mommy see their child go through so much pain?

On this dark day of mine, I stayed in bed until noon time, then decided to get up and get some tea. Once I went downstairs to get my tea, I remembered I had taped some tennis matches I wanted to see, so I decided to stay downstairs and watch one of the matches. Once I finished watching the match, I felt more energized and decided I should get dressed and go to my favorite lunch spot. Daddy and the kids had left for lunch and daddy had a tennis match after lunch, so I was home alone (although daddy was reluctant to leave me alone, but I wanted alone time). Even though I went out, I can feel myself wanting to cry over anything, but I toughed it out and had a nice lunch by myself and decided to go cheer daddy on. By the time daddy finished playing his tennis match, it was after 5 p.m. and I felt more like myself. I was able to get out of my funk and not stay in bed feeling depressed, so that made me feel good.

I thank God that I have a hobby that I love to do and that has helped me so much. I think of the many parents who have lost a child and do not have hobbies and they just stay home and the depression sets in. Although, I do think you are helping me through this by lifting me up and getting me through those hard days.

In this past month, I joined some new meetup groups that focus on spiritual awareness, meditation, yoga, and energy healing. I'm very intrigued by the energy we each have and the energy I can easily feel from others, including your energy. I'm tapping into this area, because I want to feel you around me all the time. I've always been very intuitive and have had some special moments that others do not have and I want to expand my knowledge in this area. I also attended the Labyrinth of Life meeting with a mom who also lost her daughter (who happens to be downs syndrome). Elyce...have you met her? Her name is Grace. She was as beautiful as you my love. In this meeting we just spoke about the earths energy and we all got to choose some angel tarot cards. I chose 2...don't know why 2, but others chose the number they wanted to choose. These cards were very meaningful to me and they had the following meaning (based on my interpretation which is NOT coincidence I picked them....nothing is coincidence - things are how they should be). See below pictures.



Two of Water: A relationship that continues to grow. Forgiveness. The positive resolution of a conflict.

At first when I seen this card, I automatically thought "Alba and Elyce", but the wording threw me off. The person heading this meeting DID NOT give us a reading or anything like that. After we finished meditating, I realized the meaning of this card and it wasn't what I had first thought. Many people know I have struggled with Noe and Stephanie, especially after you passed away. The #2 has many meanings: You were born on May 2. Alba and Elyce called themselves twins = 2. Noe and Stephanie = 2 adoptive children. My license plate has (love symbol)Elyce2. I chose 2 cards.....why I don't know....I didn't think about the number. So this card was telling me that I will find forgiveness for Noe and Stephanie, because I struggle and I blame them for being here instead of you. Right or wrong, but that's what I feel. But this card gave me hope...hope that I will resolve this conflict and forgive them for something they have no control as I had no control over you dying. I know you are sending me these messages and I am hopeful I can get past this anger. They did not have any control over this situation, as I had NO control....as much as I thought I did....I had NONE.

The Lovers: Intimate Relationships. Carefully Weigh Your Decisions. Good Health.

This card was reminding me to focus on daddy and work on having an intimate relationship. I've been struggling with your death and feel that I need to run away and leave everyone behind.....even daddy as much as I love him. So this card is telling me to carefully think about the decisions I make and how important daddy is to me to just let things go, simply because I feel like running away from everything. Good health means just that. I've had anxiety attacks to the point that I thought I may be having heart problems. Now I'm making sure I'm eating well and taking all my supplements that I need to take to get my health under control.

These two cards are my life as of now. As crazy as it may sound, life events are no coincidence, they happen for reasons we don't know or will never know until we go up to heaven and everything will be clear to us. Until then, I hold on to hope and continue working on my energy so that I can feel you are still part of my life, even if I can't see you.....I feel you.

Mommy loves you to the moon. You are my spirit and my soul. You are my love of my life and will always be even if you aren't here with me. Keep sending me signs, because I am open to them. I'm no longer scared. I'm just scared that I won't continue feeling your energy and I don't want that. Love you my beautiful Elyce.