Giving Thanks? To What?

As the holidays are approaching, I'm finding myself getting anxious. Holiday's have always been a big deal for Elyce. She absolutely loved both and loved having her friends over to celebrate. At that point in our lives, we had a lot of reasons to celebrate, but today is a different story.

Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for the kids are set. All these plans were set early October, so I didn't have to think about them anymore. On Thanksgiving, I'm dropping off the kids at my sisters house and the whole family will be there to celebrate. Kids are looking forward to it and I gave them an option to go there or go with me to a hotel room and wait for Daddy to get off work so we can have dinner. Shane and I are looking at this day as another regular day, except we will be in a hotel room. For Christmas, the kids will be super excited that they are spending it with their siblings. I knew I wouldn't be able to go shopping for anyone this year or step foot in many of the stores Elyce used to love, but luckily I always have tons of gifts that I've bought some time back and keep in a box just in case I forget a birthday, holidays, etc. Early in October I gathered all the gifts and the kids stockings and filled them up. I had just gone to Costco and seen pj's, so pick some up so they have their annual pj gift. The kids know we aren't celebrating either holiday and I told them I will write Santa a note to let him know where the kids will be on Christmas. This is the best I can do this year and I think even with this, the kids are lucky to have options. Some children out there do not have options and we are all fortunate that we do.

When I think of Thanksgiving, I normally would think of giving thanks. But this year, what am I thankful for? I mean I lost the most important person in my life, so how can I possibly be thankful for anything. Everything else is so unimportant. I know it sounds rude and harsh, but that's the reality. My goal during these trying times has been to try to stay positive and try to stay active to keep myself from getting depressed. So with that being said, I'm going to try to come up with some things that I am thankful for today.

1. I am extremely thankful for having had Elyce in my life. I am so fortunate to have been chosen to be her Mother and to have had the unconditional love most people wish they would have with their kids. Our love for each other is the ultimate love and I always appreciated it and was always grateful!

2. I am grateful for having memories of Elyce. I wish I can somehow scan my brain and put all those memories into my computer where I can create videos of what I see in my head. But for now, I am thankful that I have many good positive memories that I will treasure for life.

3. Pictures say a thousand words and boy do her pictures exude who she really is. I am grateful for capturing the many happy moments of her life and am lucky that her life was just that. Her pictures capture her love for life, her happiness, her sense of humor, and that mischievous look that will tell you she was up to no good.

4. I am also thankful for being able to continue to feel her spirit everyday and have her by my side. I can feel you honey and I know you are there! I do wish I can see you at times, but am grateful that I can at least feel your presence every day.

5. I am thankful for my husband. My patient husband who takes me for who I am and has been there to support me every step of the way. I am thankful for his love and patience he always had with Elyce since day 1 and the unbelievable bond they shared. Elyce loved her daddy unconditionally like her daddy loved Elyce. It was beautiful to watch them hold hands, hug, kiss, and just being silly.

6. I am grateful that Stephanie and Noe are really good kids even with all they challenges they have faced in their short lives. I'm lucky to have such a great big sister, Stephanie, to help me in whatever I need help with. She does a good job on taking the Mother role at times, even though I like for her to stay young and innocent. I'm thankful that Elyce was able to be part of their lives and instill some of the qualities she had. I already see them in the kids and it makes me smile.

7. I am thankful for having support with the kids during these hard times. We are truly fortunate to have Monica in our lives and can't thank her enough for everything she does for us.

8. I am thankful for Alba's bone marrow donor and thankful that she continues to fight for her life and is making progress everyday.

9. I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to ask how I'm doing and for listening to me when I want to talk. Even if it's emotional when I'm asked, I need friends and family to continue asking, because it shows that they care.

10. I am thankful for my friends and family who are there to help us with taking the kids for a few hours, a day, or a weekend. This is a big help and we appreciate you!

Today and most of my days, this is what I am thankful for. Some days are rough and I can't see past my grief, but some days there is a light and that light is Elyce who keeps me going, because I know she would want her Mom to keep going. :-(

Mommy loves you this big <-----------------------LOVE---------------------------->to eternity! Wish you were still here on this earth with me so we can cuddle and kiss like we used to. I miss you so so much it hurts my heart.

I feel you

Hi my beautiful girl. I can feel your presence a lot lately and I thank you for that. Yesterday when I was in the car and listening to some of the songs you loved to sing to, I can almost see you next to me singing your part and me singing my part. You would always take the boy role and tell me I was the girl, when we would sing High School musical songs. I've sang songs with you since you left, but for some reason yesterday was so vivid and it was like I can almost see your shell. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

This morning when I was starting my meditation, I felt you with me asking me what I was doing. So I told you and I put down a pillow next to mine and told you to meditate with me. What did you think of meditation? Maybe that's why I was emotional, because I felt you there. When I was concentrating on my breathing, I got a glimpse of you in the hospital bed with the breathing tubes. I got emotional, but told myself to focus on my breathing, then I can later get emotional. I'm seeing how meditation seems to be helping me feel your presence more. It's weird, but maybe because I'm getting down to the subconscious mind.

Can you fell my sadness? I'm sorry if you don't like me to be sad, but honey you are my life and I will always miss you, be sad that you aren't physically with me on this earth, and I will always love you for eternity. People say the spirit lives on and I do believe it, but curious to know how that works. I mean I know you will never be in your body, because that is ashes now, but I think of you as an energy ring made out of who knows what kind of matter. They say there are many other living things around us. Just because we can't see them, it doesn't mean they are not present. Do you imagine if we could see them? That would be a lot of chaos. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that your spirit lives on.

Your nina, Mirna, got married this weekend. I know you were there cheering her on and did you see how beautiful she looked? The girls were all thinking about you on her day and they toasted for you. I was so emotional and thought, I shouldn't be the one crying today, it should have been your nina! I know Mirna felt bad that she wasn't there for your funeral, so I think those emotions have been on her mind and when she seen me we broke down. She loves you very much, but I know you know that.

Daddy says I should take a vacation and get away, but I just realized that whenever I would get away, you were my traveling partner. Now I don't have you to join me and I get so sad. I know I need to get away by myself, but it's so lonely thinking of going alone. If I get the nerve to get away, I was thinking of going to Puerto Vallarta. I figured I have family there and I can go see them when I feel up to it, but I can be alone when I need to be.

I love you very much my baby! Stay with me, ok? I want you to be with me forever!

My Raw Feelings and Thoughts - I Hurt

****Please do not continue reading, if you find that you may be judgmental on what I'm going to write. This blog is for me to vent and to show my raw emotions, but some may feel strongly over certain things I write, but would appreciate you keep your thoughts to yourself. This isn't meant to offend *****

Right now I'm so mad at Elyce for leaving me. Today I feel angry that Elyce left and took the only joy that I have had in my life. Elyce....I know my love, that you would not have chosen this path, but nevertheless you left me behind.

I have so much anger right now. Must be my new stage in mourning. I resent Noe and Stephanie, because they are here and Elyce is not. I know it's nobody's fault. I know it's not theirs, but the reality is that I still resent them, because they shouldn't be here without Elyce.

When we considered adopting, I thought to myself who better than Shane and I. We have always been ones to volunteer, mentor, coach, and take exchange students in, just because we wanted to help. This has always been my calling and I believe Shane's as well. Never would I have imagined the difficulty in bonding and attaching to adopted kids. At the beginning of the adoption, things were hard to get used to and I was surprised on the many issues that came up, but it was ok and I started to bond with both. We only had the kids for about a year and right before we were supposed to sign adoption papers, Elyce was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My world came crashing down, because after meeting with her doctor, he said that there was a big possibility she can get another autoimmune disease. This is when I started doing my research....spending countless hours understanding the other diseases and knowing what to look for. I think this is why I quickly questioned the doctors when her iron, b12, calcium, and albumin were low after 6 months of having type 1 diabetes. Sure enough she got Celiac, but it took months to get it diagnosed.

After my world came crashing down, all I can think of is how do I get you better. In the meantime, here are the kids needing me to be there for them as any Mother would be needed. At that point it was as if they were in my way and were taking time away from me helping you. I started resenting them more and more, as you got sicker and sicker. Your Dad was always great with them, but I had such a hard time and all I have been doing was pushing them away. I mean my only flesh and blood daughter has these diseases and she needs me more than she will ever need me. I had to be there for her every second of every day. This of course made it difficult for Noe and Stephanie. Here is this distant Mother who doesn't show any emotion towards them, but is always hugging her, bathing her, playing with her, cooking special meals for her, and any other thing she needed I was there in a heartbeat. Anytime they needed something, I would send them to Shane or tell them to wait.

This is horrible for a Mother to be like this. Trust me I have guilt, but my priorities have always been ELYCE. Now that she isn't here with me, I still feel that she is my priority and I am my priority. I still feel the same way with the kids. I'm short with them. I don't make time in the areas they want me to make time for them. I feel that I always have to shift to focus on their needs and it makes me mad, because I just lost Elyce and can't they see my only flesh and blood is gone and I'm a wreck and I can't accept that she will never be here and they need me, but I can't be there for them now.

Shane is a wonderful Dad. He doesn't struggle like I do, but I think that is normal, because Elyce met him when she was 7 or 8 years old. I bonded with her the minute she was inside me. It's a different type of attachment I believe that Mothers have, versus the Fathers. For Shane he loves Noe and Stephanie and gives them love and attention. He is trying to help me and is changing his schedule so he can have better hours and be around doing these tasks with the kids. With his changed hours, he can enroll them in soccer and tennis and they can get to do some fun stuff, and also take the stress from me. I hope this can help me with the kids. It scares me thinking I will never be able to be close to them and be the Mother I know I can be. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept them without feeling the resentment. It's the reality of things and it saddens me that I'm having a hard time with them. I would have never done this if I thought I would have had so much difficulty, trust me. I know that I'm failing, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know if it's to take time for myself and only myself and come back with a fresh mind and acceptance. I've tried therapy, but don't think at this point I'm ready for more, because it goes back to them again and they say I can only be the one to make things better for them, but how could I if I'm not well?

Today these are my feelings. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I will be more positive and patient, but today I HURT.