****Please do not continue reading, if you find that you may be judgmental on what I'm going to write. This blog is for me to vent and to show my raw emotions, but some may feel strongly over certain things I write, but would appreciate you keep your thoughts to yourself. This isn't meant to offend *****
Right now I'm so mad at Elyce for leaving me. Today I feel angry that Elyce left and took the only joy that I have had in my life. Elyce....I know my love, that you would not have chosen this path, but nevertheless you left me behind.
I have so much anger right now. Must be my new stage in mourning. I resent Noe and Stephanie, because they are here and Elyce is not. I know it's nobody's fault. I know it's not theirs, but the reality is that I still resent them, because they shouldn't be here without Elyce.
When we considered adopting, I thought to myself who better than Shane and I. We have always been ones to volunteer, mentor, coach, and take exchange students in, just because we wanted to help. This has always been my calling and I believe Shane's as well. Never would I have imagined the difficulty in bonding and attaching to adopted kids. At the beginning of the adoption, things were hard to get used to and I was surprised on the many issues that came up, but it was ok and I started to bond with both. We only had the kids for about a year and right before we were supposed to sign adoption papers, Elyce was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My world came crashing down, because after meeting with her doctor, he said that there was a big possibility she can get another autoimmune disease. This is when I started doing my research....spending countless hours understanding the other diseases and knowing what to look for. I think this is why I quickly questioned the doctors when her iron, b12, calcium, and albumin were low after 6 months of having type 1 diabetes. Sure enough she got Celiac, but it took months to get it diagnosed.
After my world came crashing down, all I can think of is how do I get you better. In the meantime, here are the kids needing me to be there for them as any Mother would be needed. At that point it was as if they were in my way and were taking time away from me helping you. I started resenting them more and more, as you got sicker and sicker. Your Dad was always great with them, but I had such a hard time and all I have been doing was pushing them away. I mean my only flesh and blood daughter has these diseases and she needs me more than she will ever need me. I had to be there for her every second of every day. This of course made it difficult for Noe and Stephanie. Here is this distant Mother who doesn't show any emotion towards them, but is always hugging her, bathing her, playing with her, cooking special meals for her, and any other thing she needed I was there in a heartbeat. Anytime they needed something, I would send them to Shane or tell them to wait.
This is horrible for a Mother to be like this. Trust me I have guilt, but my priorities have always been ELYCE. Now that she isn't here with me, I still feel that she is my priority and I am my priority. I still feel the same way with the kids. I'm short with them. I don't make time in the areas they want me to make time for them. I feel that I always have to shift to focus on their needs and it makes me mad, because I just lost Elyce and can't they see my only flesh and blood is gone and I'm a wreck and I can't accept that she will never be here and they need me, but I can't be there for them now.
Shane is a wonderful Dad. He doesn't struggle like I do, but I think that is normal, because Elyce met him when she was 7 or 8 years old. I bonded with her the minute she was inside me. It's a different type of attachment I believe that Mothers have, versus the Fathers. For Shane he loves Noe and Stephanie and gives them love and attention. He is trying to help me and is changing his schedule so he can have better hours and be around doing these tasks with the kids. With his changed hours, he can enroll them in soccer and tennis and they can get to do some fun stuff, and also take the stress from me. I hope this can help me with the kids. It scares me thinking I will never be able to be close to them and be the Mother I know I can be. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept them without feeling the resentment. It's the reality of things and it saddens me that I'm having a hard time with them. I would have never done this if I thought I would have had so much difficulty, trust me. I know that I'm failing, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know if it's to take time for myself and only myself and come back with a fresh mind and acceptance. I've tried therapy, but don't think at this point I'm ready for more, because it goes back to them again and they say I can only be the one to make things better for them, but how could I if I'm not well?
Today these are my feelings. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I will be more positive and patient, but today I HURT.
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