Xmas and New Year's

Hi my love.....so glad Christmas is over and for the most part I was able to treat it like any other day, except when people wished us Merry Christmas, which I would not respond or make eye contact in hope to avoid it. On Christmas eve, Daddy and I went to the movies and came back to get dressed for dinner. We went downstairs for happy hour and appetizers and last minute decided to change our dinner plans and go to Osetra. It was a great restaurant and immediately after we sat down, there were some ladies next to us from London and Daddy was wondering how the lobster ravioli taste. I asked the lady after making eye contact how the ravioli was and we didn't stop talking from there. They were both from London, but one lady originally from Ireland and they were the funniest ladies ever. They kept us entertained for at least 2 hours, which was great. We needed that. On Christmas day we got up and walked to breakfast then hit the gym in the hotel. When we returned from the gym, I jumped in the shower and for some reason I started writing on the steamed up glass --- Elyce + Mommy and I lost it then. I was quiet so daddy wouldn't hear me, but then he noticed and wanted to talk about it, but I said I couldn't. It took a lot for me to finish getting ready and go to Balboa park as planned. I really just wanted to get in my car and drive home so I can lay in bed and cry all day and night, but I somehow found the strength to keep going. We had dinner at Prado restaurant and it was excellent, so was glad we were able to enjoy it. I figured I have time on the drive back home to let it all out, which I did. Daddy and I had separate cars and it hit daddy the same, but he was a mess when we got home and wasn't able to sleep much.

I don't know why, but when daddy went to get the kids yesterday, I was already dreading seeing them bring in all the gifts, so I asked daddy to keep them outside in garage for now. I still wanted to stay in my pretend nothing happened week, because it's too painful to think of you not being here to celebrate the holidays. But even with the pretending part, I'm having such a hard time being patient and understanding with the kids. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't handle being with them especially alone. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the constant reminder that they are here and you are not and I get so angry because of that! It's just not fair and I'm pissed off as hell that my adopted kids are here without you and there is nothing nothing I can do about it. Nobody will ever understand this, but they will feel like they can advise or judge me, but they can't. Unless you go through similar situation, then you can't judge!

For New Years eve, uncle Meno and aunt Susi will be here. I'm looking forward in spending time with them, but the closer we get to that day, the more nervous I'm getting. Today, I'm thinking I will step out of the house when the clock hits 12, because I don't want to think of 2013 as a Happy New Year. Why you ask? Because in 2013 there will be no new memories of you and you will not be physically with me in 2013. So what's so fricken "happy" about that? Nothing.....plus every year since 2009 I hoped for a better year and look what it got me. Yes...I'm still in the pissed off stage and I'm not liking this stage too much, because I never know how I'm going to react to a situation and I know it's not fair to others, but I'm trying to survive and if people get offended then I guess they are not people I want in my life.

Yesterday I received a beautiful knitted blanket and 2 books from my old friend Odilia. I'm sure you remember her and she really remembers you and the bond you and I have always had. Odilia gets it...she is one of the few people that can step in my shoes and imagine how I would feel and she hasn't lost a child, but she gets it. The blanket will be used plenty and I will remember what Odilia said the blanket was for, to give me lots of huge hugs. I'm grateful...I really am!

Hope you and Alba are flying high loving each other and being our guardian angels. I'm sure you are helping us get up in the morning and get going. Alba's family need the same and I'm sure Alba is doing the same with them, giving them strength. Next year my only goal is to talk to the medium again. This time I want to reach out to Alba and confirm you and her are together like I think you are.

Mommy misses you every second of every day and I pray that you continue being by my side each and every day I am here on this earth to keep me going.

I love you this big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity!