Flashbacks to that day....

Today I'm sitting here flashing back to when Elyce took her last breath. Shane and I decided we didn't want to be there when they took her off life support, but luckily she wasn't alone. My Mom, my sister Vicky, Mara, and my aunt and uncle were by her side. They said she went peacefully, but I regret not being there to hold her hand. I wish I could have held her, but with all the tubes and stuff she was hooked up to, I didn't want to hurt her by climbing up on her bed and holding her.

The other thing that keeps popping up is remembering after she took her last breath and walking away leaving her in the hospital room by herself. How could I have left her by herself? We have never ever left her by herself and here we were turning our backs on her and letting strangers come and get her. I can picture them putting her in the coolers they keep the bodies, then transporting her to the morgue. I can also imagine her being put in the box that she was going to be cremated in. I know she was no longer in her body, but hard to think of her being cremated. That body that we tried to keep healthy for so many years gone........just like that.

During her 5 day hospital stay and after they intubated her, I was such a coward and scared to be around her when she was like that. I would go in talk to her and encourage her to keep fighting, but I think down deep inside I knew this was it. It was that feeling I get when I know something bad is going to happen. So I think me coming in and out of her room for short visits was all I could muster. She didn't look like herself and her little hands didn't feel like her either. But now as I sit here flashing back to those days, I feel like I missed out. I mean I was there when she came into this world, I should have been there when she left.

In the last 4-5 months of her life, I remember thinking what would I do if she were to pass away. This thought kept creeping into my head and I would have to yell at myself and say, "stop thinking of these crazy things". These thoughts would make me cry, but why they kept popping into my mind, I don't know. Maybe some sort of sign or intuition?

When I look back at her life since she was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in August 28, 2009, I can see how her health started deteriorating slowly. I would spend 2-3 hours a day researching cures, alternative medicines such as phyto and gamma therapies, and other diseases that can possibly mimic Celiac, but to not prevail. Guess what I didn't ever research? Sepsis and how her picc line could develop bacteria (specifically sepsis) without there being any signs. I think the reason why I didn't do research, was because I trusted that the doctor and nurses would have brought this up if it was a concern. Her dressing were changed weekly as they strongly emphasized and if there were any concerns, we would have seen them on the surface they say. Well.....that wasn't the case. As much as I try to stay away from asking the "what ifs", it's hard not to.

So for now I have to just accept that it was her time to go back and feel comfort in knowing she isn't alone in heaven.

Two months ago.....

Today marks two months since you have been gone and we are still in disbelief that you are gone and never coming back. When I say those words out loud, NEVER COMING BACK, they make me cry. Wow.....it's so final. Daddy and I sometimes feel you are just going to walk through the door, as if you are coming home from camp. We are logical people, but it's so illogical to think that you are gone. It still doesn't make any sense to us.

I look at this picture to remind me...not the best picture, but sometimes Mommy needs a reality check.

When I speak to people or when I write on Facebook that I am numb, people say that I shouldn't hold back and I should feel everything as part of my grieving. I wonder how many of them have lost a child that was their complete life? I'm sure none have. I'm not holding back the tears, the sadness, the anger, the disbelief, the guilt, the loneliness, and the excruciating pain. My body and mind is helping me get through all of this, by making me numb at times to ease that pain. It's not something I control. I actually feel guilty when I'm not feeling the pain....almost as if I have forgotten about you. God knows that will never happen!

On the forum I belong to, many people say that friends and family forget about them and they feel that since it's been so many months, years, etc., they don't need the support as they once needed when they first lost their child/husband/parent, etc. That's not the case. Elyce you gave me so much love, hugs, and kisses that I will never get again. Someone has to make up for it. A Hug, pat on the back, rub on the back, hand holding, etc are good. No words need to be spoken.

So today I received a Christian grieving booklet that talks about the grieving process and provides prayers depending on what stage you are going through. I'm not a very religious person, but am open to anything that will help me. The book mentioned God knowing our loss, because he too lost a son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to give us a way to overcome our sins and imperfections. So were you, Elyce, sent to us for the same reason? Granted you didn't die on a cross like Jesus did, but the lessons you taught us were similar to those Jesus taught.

• Do not judge others - love all
• Trust God and that everything will work out as planned
• Don't be anxious about tomorrow - enjoy life today
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (The "golden rule").

These lessons that you have taught us will go on forever in our hearts. When we start feeling judgmental, we will remember how loving you were to all those that crossed your path. When we don't have faith in God, we will always remember that there's a bigger plan for us and we will know when it's time. When I worry about the holidays coming up, I will try to enjoy life as it is today. When I feel anger and want to take it out on anyone who crosses my path, I will remember the golden rule.

For today I am not very open to Jesus's message, because today I am angry at him. Even though logic is telling me that you were heaven sent and I was the lucky person that was chosen to be your Mother, I'm still angry that I do not have you here today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day in which I can open up my heart and soul to him.

Can you send me some more signs? I can use them about now my beautiful Angel. Mommy loves you more!!

Dear Elyce

Hello my baby girl. Mommy is missing you very much. There are so many things that remind me of you, which makes me smile and make me sad at the same time. I can go on my days somewhat ok, but it's those moments that I can see you doing something as if you are there that makes me sad. How I long to see and hold you! I ask myself, what would I do if I had you for a few seconds, minutes, hours, day? Then I realize it wouldn't change anything on how I feel about not having you with me all the time.

This weekend I took kids up to San Diego while daddy was working. We went to Balboa Park and had our lunch there. After lunch I let the kids go play in the fountain. The kids were first timid and I had to encourage them to get in and run around and get wet. As I sat there watching them, I can picture you getting in the water and having that big smile as if you did something totally crazy. You would have splashed water on your face and hair and would have said, "not bad....I like it!". Then you would have splashed around, while all the time you would be looking at me and laughing. God I miss that so much. It's just not the same without you. Did you send the Downs boy there for me? The boy that was also 21 years old and had a mother who had him at the same age I had you? He was precious and in great shape, just like you were. He was athletic like you. His Mom said he was a very healthy eater and didn't eat junk food.....well that part wasn't like you so much. :-)

On Sunday I had my first IE tennis match. Were you watching me? Did you see I put your pink chair outside the court so you can sit and watch? I felt you there and I hope you weren't too disappointed that we didn't win. We gave it all we had and I felt good on how I played. You always encouraged me to do the best when playing tennis and you always cheered me on. When I would finish my match, you would come inside the court with that huge smile of yours and ask me, "you won Mom?" Good thing most of the time was yes, I won. Then you would say, "finally!", as if it was my first win. Noe and Stephanie don't do that. They don't encourage me. They don't ask how I did. They don't seem to care and it just reminds me that I will never have that love that you had for me ever again. It's sad, because they don't have the enthusiasm, the unconditional love for me, the spark that you used to have, and the overall love for life like you did.

These types of days are so unbearable that sometimes I wish I was there with you. God help me get through these difficult days and find peace. I love you my sweet angel!

I'm a Believer - Part 2

Continued:

1. Medium said Elyce wants to know why I haven't gone into her room to get her things together. She said only time I went in was to grab something of Elyce. Medium asked me if it was perfume and I said no. FACT: I have been avoiding going into her room. I have only gone in there to grab her pjs and blouses so I can wear.

2. Medium said Elyce is asking why I still have her car. Medium asked is her car blue? FACT: Yes, Elyce car I bought her when she turned 21 is blue hybrid and I still have it, because I drive it to work.

3. Medium said Elyce is putting up a wall for her dad, but that she has another person she considers her dad. She also asked if bio dad was at the hospital when Elyce passed. FACT: Her bio dad doesn't get involved with Elyce and Elyce has always considered Shane her dad. Bio dad wasn't present at all in the hospital.

4. Medium said that Elyce wants her dad not to feel bad and he did the right thing. Elyce also said it's going to be ok. FACT: Shane has been struggling and telling Elyce how sorry he is for everything that happened to her. He's having a hard time getting passed it.

5. Medium said that Elyce is concerned about a boy...asked if she had a brother and I said, yes. Medium said he is taking it harder than we think. She said this boy has possible attention deficit or some psychological disorder. FACT: He has been having a hard time and cries when he sees his sister or I cry. He has been pretty emotional. I have always told Shane he has attention deficit.

6. Medium asked if there was two birthday in the last 30 days. She said Elyce put up happy birthday balloons. Medium said Elyce was present at our birthdays and to look at pictures for aura. FACT: My birthday was August 22 and Shane Sept 1. There are a couple of pictures with a bizarre light above my head.

7. Medium asked if I was older than my husband. She said that Elyce laughs and says I'm older. FACT: I am 4 years older than Shane.

8. Medium asked if Elyce has letters in her room on her wall. She asked if the letters were TVHS or something. She said she is pointing at letters on her wall. FACT: Shane framed Elyce's name and it's the only thing with letters on her wall.

9. Medium said that Elyce is concerned with a boy legs and that it really does hurt, but he doesn't say. She said it may be his knee. I asked medium to ask Elyce if it's Noe she is talking about. Elyce winked and smiled. FACT: After telling Shane what the medium said, Shane said Noe has been waking up crying that his knee hurts, but thought it was just growing pains.

10. I asked Medium where Elyce hangs out in the house. Medium said she is at the end of the bed and she sees me cry. She also hangs out in her room. FACT: I feel her the most in my room, but the times I have gone in her room I have felt her presence.

11. Medium said Elyce doesn't want me to use a medium. Medium said I have some psychic abilities and when I talk to Elyce she hears me and talks to me. Medium said that what I hear is Elyce talking to me. FACT: I've always felt that I have some kind of intuition or something and I have only lost 2 important people in my life. My great aunt and my beautiful Elyce. I've been able to feel each of their presence and cover my head and close my eyes, because I think I will see them. There have been other things that have happened to me in the past as well.

12. Medium said she gets impression Elyce's death was a surprise and she sees a sharp impact on her chest. Medium asked if she was in a car accident. I say, no. She said she's getting a sharp impact on her chest. Medium also said she is getting the impression Elyce was dead, but then not dead and then dead again. FACT: Elyce had to be forcefully intubated, because she was turning blue and they had to do an emergency intubation which is hard on the chest. Elyce was pronounced brain dead before we took her off life support.

13. Medium said Elyce knows I was surprised on all the information I was getting without asking hardly any questions. FACT: My mouth was open when medium was rambling on with all this information. This was all done over the phone.

Using a medium is not something I have ever done or consider doing. I'm a very logical person and things have to make sense to me. I am also spiritual, because I do believe there are many people with this unbelievable gift. Although if it was me, I would be scared all the time. At an early age, I remember I would wake up crying and telling my parents my dream was always about death. All I can remember now is that it was about death and there was something hard like a concrete block and my head would rest on it. Weird, but I outgrew it, until I was a teenager and had some other experiences where I knew something bad was going to happen, but never knew what and when exactly.

Anybody out there have similar psychic experience or use a medium in the past?

From a friend

I'm going to post a letter that was beautifully framed, but have no idea which one of my friends gave this to me the day of Elyce's service. So if it was you, please let me know so I can properly thank you! This beautiful frame sits on my desk at work and I get to see and read it everyday and I am grateful!

- In Memory of Elyce -

Our hearts break for you today, Christina,

And for the precious treasure which you allowed us to share,

Surely, God knew what he was doing when he smiled down upon you,

And found the perfect mother for one as special as Elyce.

With the strength of a mother lion,

You expected the most and settled for nothing less,

Regardless of the challenges you faced along the way.

No disability on earth was going to make your daughter different
from any other girl.

Your beautiful, unconditional love was reflected in all she became.

Her 1000 watt smile, laughing eyes, ready laughter, abundant love,

Quick "thumbs up", steady work ethic, concern for others...

There were traits created and nurtured by you.

Just watching the two of you together was pure joy.

Christina, you could not have done a better job making Elyce's life
meaningful and full of love and dignity.

We will miss her sweet, sweet presence in this world.

I'm a Believer - Part 1

I'm sure most of you were wondering what I meant when I posted that I'm a Believer. I've had such sadness and have been needing some comfort and wanting to know that Elyce is ok, that I was considering using a medium. An acquaintance offered to give me a reading about a week ago, but it ended up getting me more frustrated than giving me peace. The only information I was getting was that Elyce was very concerned about me and she wanted me to get counseling, etc. When I asked the medium my questions, the medium stated I wasn't ready for this information according to Elyce. I wasn't ready? Really? I prepared myself for this meeting and all I get is this I ask? I knew this medium meant well, but nevertheless it left a bad taste in my mouth.

This past week I decided to look for a Reiki Master so Shane can try it out in hope it will help him. I found a Reiki Master and noticed that she also does reading. I emailed the medium and told her my past experience with the other medium and told her I was interested in a possible reading. She said the only reason why the other medium wasn't getting information, was probably because Elyce didn't want to talk to her. Then she goes on to say that as she is writing to me, she is getting a message in Spanish from an older lady that is with Elyce. This lady was holding a black rosary and her name had 2 names in it ____ Maria or Maria _______. My first reaction was really? Which Hispanic family doesn't have a "Maria" family member in it? I thought this medium is assuming I'm Mexican and she must have thought to herself, can't go wrong with guessing there was a Maria related to us in heaven. Skeptical but always curious, I decided to go ahead and move forward with this medium. The cost was $25.00 for 15 minutes, so I figured it's worth a try. I emailed her back and she gave me phone number to call and reminded me to hold Elyce's picture close to me when I call.

Prior to the reading I Googled my name to see what would come up and the only thing was my blog. The only way this medium can get detailed information was if she knew Elyce or I, or if she was a good detective. The day of the reading I wrote down a few questions I was preparing to ask. Our conversation started with some niceties, followed with asking me if I figured out who this family member named Maria was. She said she was the one to greet Elyce along with a 40 year old man. My goal was to give little information to this medium and just write down everything she was saying. I didn't really acknowledge if I knew them or not. I also didn't tell her Elyce's name until the middle of the reading. The only information the medium had was my name.

Key Points in this reading were:

1. Older lady speaking Spanish with 2 names (Maria being one of the names) was Elyce's Bacah (Grandma Rose) real name: Rosa Maria

2. The 40 year old with them was Elyce's uncle (Rose's son). George passed away a few years back at a young age of 40+ from an epileptic attack.

3. Medium asked if I knew Al. She said there were (2) Al's that were Elyce's friends name that she was concerned about. FACT: Al 1=Allison her best friend. Al 2= Alba her Spanish sister. Allison nickname is "Al" and Elyce started calling Alba "Al" more so to give Alba a hard time. She would say "Al" and start busting up.

4. Medium wanted me to give 1 of the Al's Elyce's purses. Medium said purses, because she was getting the impression that clothes won't fit her, because of the difference in size. Medium stated one of them is taller and she stated she was getting impression Elyce is shorter. FACT: I spoke to Allison's mom and told her Elyce would want Allison to have some of her stuff that Allison had given her for Elyce's birthdays, although the clothes would not fit Allison. I told her that I remember Allison giving Elyce 2 purses and those should go back to her. Only person I ever mentioned this to was Allison's mom. My husband didn't even know about this conversation.

5. Medium wanted me to give the other Al Elyce's hoodie. FACT: Alba and I went shopping at Hollister and Alba liked a hoodie, which she bought. I decided to buy one for me and the other for Elyce. This is the only hoodie Elyce ever wore, because she prefers to wear zip up sweatshirts. She only wore this hoodie, because she liked being twins with her sister Alba.

These are just a couple of things that the medium stated. As I was hearing this information and trying to write down everything that was coming from her mouth, I was in disbelief in how much detailed information she knew.

To Be Continued...............

Shock & Sadness

Losing a child isn't something I wish upon anyone, even to my worst enemy (which I don't really have). When you think you have a handle on your mourning, you get hit with reality as if it's the first time you have heard your daughter passed away. My therapist says I'm still in shock and I believe her, because today as I was driving it suddenly occurred to me that Elyce is dead....yes dead! Then I'm in disbelief and in shock to hear this as it was the first time. Realistically I know she passed away, but someone my brain gets fooled into thinking otherwise. Weird how our brains work to protect us from enduring this monstrous pain!

If someone asked me what I would like to get rid of that is affecting me, I would say SADNESS. Most people that know me would be surprised to hear sadness over anxiety. It's a bit odd for me not to feel anxious as I did when Elyce was with me. I haven't figured that one out, but I wonder if somewhere deep inside there is some comfort in knowing that she isn't suffering. Another part would be that I no longer worry about her as I did when she was at school or with us and having to figure out what she is able to eat every single day. Anxiety is a somewhat easy fix in that we can just pop a supplement and it will all get better. Your heart will stop racing, your palms stop sweating, your breathing will be normal, your level of patience will increase, etc. But for sadness, what's the cure? How do you mend a broken heart that has a huge hole in it and there's nothing in the world that can be done to fill it back up?

As I sit here thinking of sadness, I keep going back to the daily conversations I had with Elyce regarding her sadness due to her Grandma's and Frida's passing. I would explain to her that there was nothing we can do to bring them back and to always look up in the clouds and maybe she can see them. She would look up in the clouds and ask me, Grandma Rose and Frida are up there? I would say, yes, but you won't see Frida's black coat, because when they are in heaven they are all white. Obviously I was clueless on the colors and now that I read Heaven's For Real, I would answer that differently.

I recall my conversation with her naturopathic doctor about Elyce's daily sadness and her doctor recommended some drops of flower essence, which she didn't get a chance to take them very long. Elyce had a really hard time accepting the deaths of her loved ones. Now I ask myself....was God trying to prepare me for death? Was he giving me the direction on how to deal with death? If so, it's not working and who was I fooling when I'd tell Elyce that they are sitting on the clouds watching over her. They were always by her side, as I think she is with me.

So my question to God or whoever is listening....how does any parent move on and live life. I've heard so many recommendations like "live as if it's your last", "life is precious, so enjoy every minute". How the hell do you enjoy your life with this sorrow? These sayings may work for those that haven't experience the death of a child, but not for those that lost a child. Every Mother out there....ask yourself, what would I do if my child off of a sudden passed away? I'm sure tears would roll down your cheeks and you would tell yourself to stop thinking of these awful thoughts.....AS I DID! I had these thoughts in my head the last 4-6 months. Why was I asking myself this question? Was this another way of preparing me??

Bereaved Parents Wish List

"Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand or go through it. "