Shock & Sadness

Losing a child isn't something I wish upon anyone, even to my worst enemy (which I don't really have). When you think you have a handle on your mourning, you get hit with reality as if it's the first time you have heard your daughter passed away. My therapist says I'm still in shock and I believe her, because today as I was driving it suddenly occurred to me that Elyce is dead....yes dead! Then I'm in disbelief and in shock to hear this as it was the first time. Realistically I know she passed away, but someone my brain gets fooled into thinking otherwise. Weird how our brains work to protect us from enduring this monstrous pain!

If someone asked me what I would like to get rid of that is affecting me, I would say SADNESS. Most people that know me would be surprised to hear sadness over anxiety. It's a bit odd for me not to feel anxious as I did when Elyce was with me. I haven't figured that one out, but I wonder if somewhere deep inside there is some comfort in knowing that she isn't suffering. Another part would be that I no longer worry about her as I did when she was at school or with us and having to figure out what she is able to eat every single day. Anxiety is a somewhat easy fix in that we can just pop a supplement and it will all get better. Your heart will stop racing, your palms stop sweating, your breathing will be normal, your level of patience will increase, etc. But for sadness, what's the cure? How do you mend a broken heart that has a huge hole in it and there's nothing in the world that can be done to fill it back up?

As I sit here thinking of sadness, I keep going back to the daily conversations I had with Elyce regarding her sadness due to her Grandma's and Frida's passing. I would explain to her that there was nothing we can do to bring them back and to always look up in the clouds and maybe she can see them. She would look up in the clouds and ask me, Grandma Rose and Frida are up there? I would say, yes, but you won't see Frida's black coat, because when they are in heaven they are all white. Obviously I was clueless on the colors and now that I read Heaven's For Real, I would answer that differently.

I recall my conversation with her naturopathic doctor about Elyce's daily sadness and her doctor recommended some drops of flower essence, which she didn't get a chance to take them very long. Elyce had a really hard time accepting the deaths of her loved ones. Now I ask myself....was God trying to prepare me for death? Was he giving me the direction on how to deal with death? If so, it's not working and who was I fooling when I'd tell Elyce that they are sitting on the clouds watching over her. They were always by her side, as I think she is with me.

So my question to God or whoever is listening....how does any parent move on and live life. I've heard so many recommendations like "live as if it's your last", "life is precious, so enjoy every minute". How the hell do you enjoy your life with this sorrow? These sayings may work for those that haven't experience the death of a child, but not for those that lost a child. Every Mother out there....ask yourself, what would I do if my child off of a sudden passed away? I'm sure tears would roll down your cheeks and you would tell yourself to stop thinking of these awful thoughts.....AS I DID! I had these thoughts in my head the last 4-6 months. Why was I asking myself this question? Was this another way of preparing me??