Two months ago.....

Today marks two months since you have been gone and we are still in disbelief that you are gone and never coming back. When I say those words out loud, NEVER COMING BACK, they make me cry. Wow.....it's so final. Daddy and I sometimes feel you are just going to walk through the door, as if you are coming home from camp. We are logical people, but it's so illogical to think that you are gone. It still doesn't make any sense to us.

I look at this picture to remind me...not the best picture, but sometimes Mommy needs a reality check.

When I speak to people or when I write on Facebook that I am numb, people say that I shouldn't hold back and I should feel everything as part of my grieving. I wonder how many of them have lost a child that was their complete life? I'm sure none have. I'm not holding back the tears, the sadness, the anger, the disbelief, the guilt, the loneliness, and the excruciating pain. My body and mind is helping me get through all of this, by making me numb at times to ease that pain. It's not something I control. I actually feel guilty when I'm not feeling the pain....almost as if I have forgotten about you. God knows that will never happen!

On the forum I belong to, many people say that friends and family forget about them and they feel that since it's been so many months, years, etc., they don't need the support as they once needed when they first lost their child/husband/parent, etc. That's not the case. Elyce you gave me so much love, hugs, and kisses that I will never get again. Someone has to make up for it. A Hug, pat on the back, rub on the back, hand holding, etc are good. No words need to be spoken.

So today I received a Christian grieving booklet that talks about the grieving process and provides prayers depending on what stage you are going through. I'm not a very religious person, but am open to anything that will help me. The book mentioned God knowing our loss, because he too lost a son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to give us a way to overcome our sins and imperfections. So were you, Elyce, sent to us for the same reason? Granted you didn't die on a cross like Jesus did, but the lessons you taught us were similar to those Jesus taught.

• Do not judge others - love all
• Trust God and that everything will work out as planned
• Don't be anxious about tomorrow - enjoy life today
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (The "golden rule").

These lessons that you have taught us will go on forever in our hearts. When we start feeling judgmental, we will remember how loving you were to all those that crossed your path. When we don't have faith in God, we will always remember that there's a bigger plan for us and we will know when it's time. When I worry about the holidays coming up, I will try to enjoy life as it is today. When I feel anger and want to take it out on anyone who crosses my path, I will remember the golden rule.

For today I am not very open to Jesus's message, because today I am angry at him. Even though logic is telling me that you were heaven sent and I was the lucky person that was chosen to be your Mother, I'm still angry that I do not have you here today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day in which I can open up my heart and soul to him.

Can you send me some more signs? I can use them about now my beautiful Angel. Mommy loves you more!!