Flashbacks to that day....

Today I'm sitting here flashing back to when Elyce took her last breath. Shane and I decided we didn't want to be there when they took her off life support, but luckily she wasn't alone. My Mom, my sister Vicky, Mara, and my aunt and uncle were by her side. They said she went peacefully, but I regret not being there to hold her hand. I wish I could have held her, but with all the tubes and stuff she was hooked up to, I didn't want to hurt her by climbing up on her bed and holding her.

The other thing that keeps popping up is remembering after she took her last breath and walking away leaving her in the hospital room by herself. How could I have left her by herself? We have never ever left her by herself and here we were turning our backs on her and letting strangers come and get her. I can picture them putting her in the coolers they keep the bodies, then transporting her to the morgue. I can also imagine her being put in the box that she was going to be cremated in. I know she was no longer in her body, but hard to think of her being cremated. That body that we tried to keep healthy for so many years gone........just like that.

During her 5 day hospital stay and after they intubated her, I was such a coward and scared to be around her when she was like that. I would go in talk to her and encourage her to keep fighting, but I think down deep inside I knew this was it. It was that feeling I get when I know something bad is going to happen. So I think me coming in and out of her room for short visits was all I could muster. She didn't look like herself and her little hands didn't feel like her either. But now as I sit here flashing back to those days, I feel like I missed out. I mean I was there when she came into this world, I should have been there when she left.

In the last 4-5 months of her life, I remember thinking what would I do if she were to pass away. This thought kept creeping into my head and I would have to yell at myself and say, "stop thinking of these crazy things". These thoughts would make me cry, but why they kept popping into my mind, I don't know. Maybe some sort of sign or intuition?

When I look back at her life since she was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in August 28, 2009, I can see how her health started deteriorating slowly. I would spend 2-3 hours a day researching cures, alternative medicines such as phyto and gamma therapies, and other diseases that can possibly mimic Celiac, but to not prevail. Guess what I didn't ever research? Sepsis and how her picc line could develop bacteria (specifically sepsis) without there being any signs. I think the reason why I didn't do research, was because I trusted that the doctor and nurses would have brought this up if it was a concern. Her dressing were changed weekly as they strongly emphasized and if there were any concerns, we would have seen them on the surface they say. Well.....that wasn't the case. As much as I try to stay away from asking the "what ifs", it's hard not to.

So for now I have to just accept that it was her time to go back and feel comfort in knowing she isn't alone in heaven.