Happy Halloween My Angel

Hi Baby Girl.....today is the first of the many holidays you enjoyed celebrating. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate, but all I have is the memories and the pictures of you in your costumes. They are never enough for me, because as many pictures I have of you, they will never make up the fact that you are gone. Damn it....it hurts so much! I just want to scream! Now I know why people who lose a child get addicted to drugs, because it hurts so much and nothing can take the pain away. I wish I can run away from it all....but the commitments keep me here and the thought that I'm leaving you behind keeps me here as well.

Noe and Stephanie dressed up for school last week, but they won't be going out to trick or treat today. I just don't have it in me, but I told them they can dress up and I would take them to their favorite place to eat and then they can pick where they want to go for dessert. I know I could have had someone take them, but I also didn't want to be alone today, because I know I will be sad and just curl up in a ball and cry all night.

I'm almost finished with your Dia de los Muertos altar. I'm adding your favorite things up there, as well as Frida's bone and a shot for Rose. I hope you will come visit tomorrow or the next day. I'll be waiting for you. Stephanie told me a few things that you will like, so I'm putting those out later tonight.

I started meditation, in hope that it will help me get through this, but in reality I think it just gives me peace of mind, but will never repair my broken heart. Daddy and I are attending an event at the Chopra center for the weekend....hopefully if we find someone to watch the kids for us. It sounds like it will be a good relaxing weekend for us. Daddy thinks I should get away for a week or two and the weird thing is that I do want to, but then I think I'm leaving you behind at home. I do know that I need something, but nothing I do will ever ever bring you back and that is all I want. There is nothing else that matters, but having you back with me. So if this isn't possible, now what? What's left to do? What's my purpose in life? What's going to make me smile like I once did?

I'm thinking of talking to the medium again....I want to feel you close again and I've been so caught up with all my emotions, that I don't feel you as strongly as I would like. I'm not scared of seeing you Elyce......Mommy is passed that, so it's ok for you to show up and talk to me.

I'm looking forward in seeing you in the next days, so I encourage you to come and see us and eat all your favorite foods you liked to eat. We will be waiting with open arms. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU MORE. I LOVE YOU THIS BIG...............

P.S. Was this you? You never liked bats, but I did find it odd that we had one in our front porch when there has never been one that we have ever seen around where we live.