Today marks 5 Months

For 21 years I had my sidekick Elyce with me 24/7. For 21 years, I've bought presents and surprised her with the things she would cut out and paste for Santa. This year it's the very first year and not the last year that I won't be able to surprise her with gifts. Even if I did buy them and give to charity, it's not the same. It will never be the same. I used to absolutely love Christmas. I looked forward to it and loved seeing the excitement in Elyce's face and later the kids face. Even though Christmas has been so commercialized, the part I liked the most was the baking, cooking, festivities and planning. That was always more important than what gifts I received. Now I don't feel like baking and cooking or celebrating the season without my Elyce. For those that tell me, "she would want me to celebrate and be happy", you are right, but I can't. Sometimes it feels as though being happy and forgetting about the loss is forgetting her. Shane purchased more gifts for the kids, as if they didn't have enough, but felt he wanted to buy them something off their Santa list. To me it was just wrong. It was wrong, because they don't need anymore toys. It was wrong, because buying for them and not Elyce is wrong. It was wrong, because I feel that he can easily do these things without feeling the way I feel.

I'm going through my days lately numb keeping busy trying to speed up the time to next year. Every year since 2009 I said, "oh I can't wait for the new year, fresh start". I had so much hope that it was going to be a better year. I never asked it to be better in the materialistic sense....I asked better for Elyce's health....in that we would be better able to help her and get her back to normal. But that wasn't God's plan. Every year was worse. Now this new year to me will be different, because I will not be hoping for anything. For what I want isn't possible and thinking back on the last 3 years I ask myself, "how bad can it get now after losing Elyce"? I mean granted.....it can be my time to go, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? I mean I would get to be with Elyce and live in the life of no pain and just love.

This year I only have 1 greeting card up on my counter, that was sent by my brother and sister in-law and all the others I tossed (not the beautiful family pictures ones). People may think why? Well it really pisses me off to receive a generic happy holiday card. I mean really???? wishing us Merry Xmas and then just signing your name without any personal note? Sorry if I offend, but I myself am offended from the lack of caring in taking the time and writing a personal note stating how you know it will be a difficult holiday without our beloved Elyce. There's no "merry" or "happy" in my life during this time. I'm not living the life with happiness. I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful only biological daughter and to top it off now mourning the loss of our beautiful exchange student, Alba. So for anyone out there who sends out cards to people who have recently had a loss, please think of those that may not be as fortunate as you and write a personal note so they know you get it and care. Be thankful you are not living in their shoes and have your loved one safe at home.

Miss you every day Elyce. Continue to shine bright like a diamond my Angel! Hope you like the Charlie Brown tree we bought for you....I know you have always wanted one and I'm sorry for not getting one for you in the past. For now on, you will get your Charlie Brown tree every year. Love you to eternity!