Holidays

Hello my baby girl. I'm missing you so much lately, probably because I haven't felt you too much this week. Are you with Alba helping her get through this horrible leukemia? I'm sure you are there holding her hand telling her, "Come on Alba...you can do it!". She needs your strength and we are praying that she stays here longer, although I know you will be happy if she was there with you, but she is still young and has a lot of life to live, like you did. Although, God has his plan and we have no control over what has already been chosen for us, but it would be so unfair if you both go at such a young age. Keep cheering her on....she is getting tired of fighting, but you of all people can cheer her on to keep fighting, just like you did to the very end.

It's funny and irritating how many people who have never came close to losing someone, can sit there and tell you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. Your aunt had dinner and invited us. I told her I couldn't go celebrate the holidays, because there isn't anything to celebrate for, but your daddy and the kids will be there. Your aunt said it was just dinner, but then the kids came home with all these gifts. Doesn't she or others know that it would have hurt me if I did decide to go and see the kids open up the gifts? These are all constant reminders of not having you here and it hurts a lot! I'm not saying kids shouldn't have gifts, but it's the surprises that get to me, besides it's only December 3rd and kids are unwrapping gifts this early. I would have expected the gifts at a later time, but not yesterday. As soon as I seen daddy bringing them in I lost it. Others who weren't close to you or have had the pleasure of having the beautiful bond that I did with you, can move on. I can't. Some people focus on how the kids need to have these things or they need me, but to tell you the truth, the kids are resilient and they manage better than we do. It's not that I don't want them to have gifts or celebrate, I just want to be prepared for it and have no surprises. If I know about it ahead of time, I can then decide for myself what works for me. People should know that if daddy and I are not ok, the kids will not be ok. The focus should be on daddy and me, not about what the kids want or need.

Thanksgiving went ok. Kids had fun at your aunt's house with all the cousins. Stephanie continues having problems with lose. I get it, but we are trying to teach her the difference of not seeing you and not seeing her sisters or cousins. I think sometimes she thinks when she says goodbye and has to leave from her siblings or cousins house, she won't see them again. I asked her, can you call your cousins? She says, yes. I ask her, can you call Elyce? She says, no. Then I remind her anytime she feels the need to talk to her cousins or siblings, all we have to do is pick up the phone and call them. She doesn't have to miss them and cry every time. I told her I can see why you would cry missing Elyce, but the others are still here and you can talk or see them anytime. I know they both have gone through losing their bio-parents and now their sister, so I get it.

On Thanksgiving, were you present at your aunt and cousins house? They made you a place mat and you were setup to sit in between Maricel and Stephanie. Did you see Maricel had on your black dress? This is the very first item I have given away, but that dress called out her name for some reason and she loved it.

Mommy hopes to get through the holidays in one piece. Please be there with me and hold my hand while I go through the motion in the first holidays without you. I know it's going to hurt and there will be lots of crying, but help me get through them without any major issues with the family.

Love you always and forever!