Sickness and Death

As I'm sitting here with this sinus cold and fever, can't help but think of how Elyce felt when she was dying. The one trigger that started me thinking about this was that my heels were hurting from being in bed for 24 hours. This took me back as I can picture Elyce's little heels turning red at the end where your heel hits the mattress. The nurse would turn her so she wouldn't get any bed sores, but then her oxygen would drop. Still makes me sad thinking of the pain she must of been in. I mean why was her oxygen dropping when they moved her? It had to be, because she couldn't handle being moved.

Here I am feeling sick with my entire body aching and I can't imagine what Elyce felt like or how others feel like when they are dying. There has to be some kind of mechanism your body has to protect people from so much pain. I wonder if the pain mechanism is similar to when I got my tattoo. At the beginning of the tattoo process I was meditating and felt a little bit of pain. I was well prepared to feel lots of pain, but surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, until the end. The last 5 minutes or so, I felt the sharp knife cutting into my flesh and I thought to myself, "I don't think I can do this much longer". Then next thing you know, it is over and I'm elated. Granted I'm not stating that this is similar, but all I have to gauge from is this or when we get sick and every part of our body including our teeth hurt.

Elyce had been sick since she was first diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in August 2009. Her ability to withstand pain was incredible. This always scared us, because she wouldn't communicate when she was in pain and we would have never known it if we looked at her. She always had a smile on her face and now I wonder if it was for us. After her diabetes diagnosis, she was diagnosed with celiac. She was little by little dying on us and we had no idea. Her little body wasn't absorbing the nutrients she needed, but again if you looked at her, she looked perfectly healthy. Once we started seeing signs like her legs and tummy swelling, we would know there was something wrong and that her albumin was low.

When I say, we had no idea she was dying, we didn't really know. Who would know? Although the one thing I do know now is that the divine was preparing me for her death. There were signs before her passing and now I can clearly see them. My intuition told me she wasn't going to make it and I felt it, but we question our intuition often. Especially something like this, we remind ourselves to stay positive, even when we feel it in our gut. Today, I listen to my intuition and it's my intuition that is leading me the way to a new start. Renting our house, moving out, finding a new job, and starting all over again. I'm being pulled back to the Bay Area...not sure why, but I know that's where I need to be. So let's see how this plays out, but I know Elyce is holding my hand and taking me on the path I need to be.

P.S. This picture I took from the internet and the funny thing is, that it was the very first picture that came up. Look at the moms ring....doesn't it look like my ring and my hand. These are signs and I don't miss many today.

One step forward, 2-3 steps back.

This past month I have finished cleaning out Elyce's room. Her clothes were given to her sister and to her cousin and luckily I am able to fit into Elyce's clothes, so I kept most of her jammies, socks, some blouses, and even a few dresses. The remaining items that really didn't have a lot of meaning went to St. Martha's 2nd Hand Treasures. I know that I was just on a task mode trying to get everything done, because I didn't realize how ideal it was to donate her items to St. Martha's until I actually did it. Elyce used to volunteer at St. Martha's 2nd Hand Treasures, so it made sense to donate the remaining items there. As I was in my robotic mode, I pulled up to the front of the store instead of pulling to the back of the store where they accept all donations. This donation was different....it was special and it was sad, so I didn't want to just hand over my box and have the person grab and toss it with all the other items. So I walked into the store and spoke to one of the little old ladies there and told her my situation. She kindly told me to sit still and shortly after the manager came to help me. The minute I seen her, I lost it. All the emotions I had been keeping at bay, just came out. The manager was very sweet and just stood there and told me it was ok and that she was sorry for my loss. She asked me if I wanted her to donate the clothes to a family or to donate them to the store. I told her it didn't matter, but I just didn't want her items tossed as if they were worthless. It took me 10 minutes to compose myself before I was able to drive home.

The other items I had left to go through, were all of her books. She loved books and had over 50 books that were in very good shape, so I thought I donate them to the library. Elyce loved going to the Temecula library any chance she got, so it was the perfect choice. I drove up and spoke to the lady at the front desk and she was very helpful and considerate. I had no idea that you can request a name plate to be placed inside the books that are donated. Not all books get cycled out to the library floor, but they were able to cycle out at least 8 books. The library manager was so nice about my situation and took me into her office to discuss how it would work. She handled each one of Elyce's book with so much care, that it made me feel so good about it. The thought that Elyce's books will be shared with all the many library visitors makes me smile. Who knew they also had a special section of books for "special needs" kids. <3 So going through her items was easier than I thought it would be. Everything made sense and it felt right. Let's go back to July 17, 2013. This day I was still in Puerto Vallarta so I can spend Elyce's angelversary there by the ocean. The funny thing is that I received an email stating that Rose had Elyce as a beneficiary to her will. I had no idea. Rose passed away a year and 2 days before Elyce and nobody ever mentioned a word to me. Unfortunately, money does crazy things to people and I think it did this to her bio dad. The sad thing was that instead of bio dad offering to help with Elyce's funeral, he never offered knowing there was money left to Elyce that should have gone to her funeral. The one thing I have never expected was help for my daughter's medical issues or when she passed away, but the fact that bio dad decides he should be the one to keep the money blows my mind. So now I ask myself, should I even try to fight him on this or let it go. Flash back to August 2012, my meeting with the medium. I went back to re-read my notes and it said that Elyce had put up this wall for her dad, but she was showing she had 2 dads and it wasn't the dad with the initial "S". The medium also mentioned some other things that I will not mentioned, but it made me realize that Elyce knew what her bio dad had done and probably flashed through her life seeing how he wasn't around very much towards the last years of her life. I ask myself, what would be the reason for me to find out about this money a few days before Elyce's angelversary? Of all days, why then? So I think Elyce was sending me a message and that she would want me to fight more on the principle then the money. So I ask myself, do I have the energy to do it? I don't know, but when I walked in the library to donate her books, there was this huge sign in front of the ladies desk that stated they now have a legal section in the library. I guess this isn't the norm for libraries to have and the other thing was that the manager introduced me to the legal assistant too. So maybe that was another sign. :-)
You Just Got to believe.....solo tienes que creer!

Coming Home

Why is it so difficult to return home after being gone a few days?  I'm literally sitting in my car alone down the street  trying to compose myself before I walk in.  Shane and kids are home waiting, but I can't get myself to go.  It has nothing to do with not loving them / but everything to do with the pain I feel in my heart of knowing Elyce won't be there. This is where the running away comes in and every time I experience this it reminds me I need to find a new place to call home.

I'm sure 99.9% of people can't understand this and never will and I never expect anyone to understand.  The reason I write these feelings for those that decide to read my blog is to explain in my own words how it feels to lose a child and how it feels so lonely.  My own husband can't understand either, but its ok.  It is what it is.  Many people remind me that Elyce wants me to be happy and I agree, but nothing nothing can help my broken heart.  It is shattered into pieces and may be able to be put back together, but will never be the same.  You will be able see where you glued it back together, but the beauty and strength of the heart will never be the same.  

I've always said I have 2 choices:  To keep fighting for my life and make it the best it can be in its new norm or dig a hole somewhere and climb in.  I'm choosing to fight for my life and try to live as Elyce would want me to live BUT it's still difficult lonely and sad place to be without my girl. 

New Norm and Messages

People who lose a child start living what we call, The New Norm.  The new norm for me and other grieving parents is to learn to live a completely different life than the one we had prior to losing a child.  Why is that?  Because the loss we experience is the greatest loss of all and your world gets turned upside down.  The divorce rate is high as you struggle to learn to adapt to the new norm and you realize you and your husband grieve differently.  Depression sets in and you are basically living to survive.  

I can clearly recall waiting for my sister and Mara to arrive before we took Elyce off of life support, Shane told me very directly that's its him and I that are in this together.  He kept repeating it so I can hear it and not forget that's we are in this together.  I was taken aback by his insistence and said, yes of course!  But now as I sit here today, that simple sentence makes sense to me.  Now we are being tested and now I can see why so many parents end up divorcing after such a traumatizing  event!   Recently, I was reading a grieving article and this parent wrote how her and her husband made love for weeks after losing their child.  She even wrote, "how can you even be thinking of doing that after you lose a child?  She said that their hearts were so broken they just wanted to hold on to the love they do have.  That was Shane and I.  I found it odd myself, but in those couple of weeks we felt we only had each other and needed to feel the closeness - so we made love every day.  It was as if if helped us survive those few weeks. 

Now it's shifted to where I feel like I'm alone in this grief. Even with my husband, I'm alone. Nobody quite understands what I'm going through, except another mother who had a special needs child and lost them as well, but it's still different. Nobody is the same. Shane and I are grieving in a completely separate and different manner. I'm open to new ideas and like talking about my grief, where he is quiet and doesn't talk much about it or open up to anyone about his grief. This separates us.

Some of the grieving parents I've talked to also say that they start the grieving process after they start going through their Childs personal belongings and/or move out of the house.  people may wonder why move out of the house, well its because its a constant reminder of what we no longer have.  This is where I'm currently at in the grieving process. This past weekend I started giving things away and it felt right.  Although, I had some major crying sessions, anger sessions and denial sessions all at once, But I think it helped me move a step forward.  I packed the items that I wanted to keep, like graduation stuff, things she made, her Special Olympics medals and ribbons, etc. A few days ago, I finally moved the purple pj top she last wore out of my room.  The pj top was laying on the chair next to my side of the bed for over a year and I finally decided to place it in a plastic bag.  I ended up storing it in the box where I had all the other items.  

Fast forward to today - after my grieving therapy session, my therapist told me that during the session Elyce showed her a blouse or top and that Elyce was saying that I had a box of all the things that made me happy of Elyce, but that I kept this blouse that was the only thing in the box that made me sad! Mind you, my therapist had no idea that I kept her pj top next to my bed and that as of recent I decided to put it in the box.  Wow...that little stinker Elyce!  She is clearly with me more than I will ever know!  That message made me smile, even though I know she probably wants me to let go of the blouse and I'm not quite ready for that next step. 

Letting Go?

Today I attended a Kundalini yoga class in Spanish. First time attending a yoga class in Spanish, but enjoyed it. Kundalini yoga is less physical and more mental/spiritual. I've attended one before and it was similar. After the class I had a ton of energy - probably due to all the fast breathing you do in the class. It helps circulate the oxygen in the body. I felt a lot of energy while meditating towards the end of class. I never know who's energy I'm feeling, but its the kind of energy that you feel when you close your eyes and you feel as if people are dancing and moving in front of you when indeed their not. After the Spanish class I spoke to the instructor. She asked how long I've been doing yoga and meditation and then the conversation went into losing Elyce. I mentioned the energy episode and she told me the following, which I've heard before but never really accept or believe its the case. She asked how often I feel Elyce and I mentioned probably every few weeks or month. She said it was too often and she says it sounds as if I was her world as she was mine and she probably is staying here for me. She also said we were practically one. She said whenever I feel ready that I need to tell her to leave and go to heaven and then say a prayer to help her leave. The lady said she probably doesn't want to leave me and I confessed that I enjoy when I can feel her presence. 

After hearing this same thing again, I guess I may be causing her harm by allowing and accepting her to stay around me. It does give me comfort and I get really sad thinking of telling her to go. This is the part that I don't know if I should believe - the part that I'm not doing her any good by wanting to keep her energy close to me. I mean what do I do with that? I guess if I go with my gut and intuition, I would have to tell Elyce to go and be free and that mommy is going to be ok, but am I really going to be ok after telling her to leave? How do I know what the best thing for both of us will be? As I'm sitting here writing this blog, what song starts playing at the restaurant? Querida! Elyce's favorite spanish song - part of the song says, my love, Every minute of my life I think of you every day, look at my loneliness, look at my loneliness, that I don't feel we'll at all, I miss and cry still for you.  

My day today felt so erratic - one minute I can feel Elyce with me, the next I'm telling her she needs to go and be with her grandma and alba and then the next I panic because I have to really think of how she sang and performed for me or how her laugh sounds or her beautiful smile - Then the crying comes on. Talk about bipolar! 

A few days ago as I was in the pool - I could hear Elyce laughing and talking to Alba - as if they were teasing me and I turned around almost expecting them to be sitting there lounging on the pool chair, but obviously they weren't. I do wonder if my mind plays tricks with me, but it comes from out of nowhere - when I least expect it. So I wonder if I'm going crazy - I sure hope not ;-)

For now, I will do what my doctor ordered and continue meditating and focusing on my health, while enjoying my last days in paradise. I decided on this trip that I can do this for a very long time, so I better figure out how to make it work and move to a place like Puerto Vallarta. 

Elyce will be cheering me on along the way. 

11 Months Today - Still in Shock

As I sit here thinking of how I used to spend my days with you, some things are a blur and it scares me that I'm forgetting. The blur may just be due to my body protecting me from all the pain of dealing with your death, but nevertheless, I don't ever want to have your memories be a blur.

Today as I was driving to work, I was very emotional and cried all my way to work. While driving, I was picturing you sitting in the front seat of my car(well your car)and looking out the window with that big beautiful smile of yours. At that minute, one of the songs you used to love to sing and dance to came on and I knew that was a message from you. It brought a smile to my face, but then a burst of tears and me yelling and asking God why this had to happen to you. They say this is all part of what grieving parents experience....all the ups and downs and never knowing which part is going to hit you until it does. SCREW YOU GRIEF! YOU WILL NOT WIN!

These past months have been tough, because many of your friends graduated from high school. It was very hard for me to look at the pictures their parents posted, but I wanted to be happy for them and I tried to feel the joy that I felt when you graduated high school. When I look at any of your teammates for Special Olympics, it brings me back to when you were competing and how strong you were, even with all your physical limitations you had when you were sick. God....what an inspiration you were to me and to others. Yesterday, I received some pictures of some of your friends wearing a Special Olympics shirt that had written, "In Memory of Elyce". I was happy to see it, but again, it made me sad, because it should have never been this way.

I've found a great grieving therapist, who is not your typical therapist, but I feel she is helping me more than a typical therapist would have. She has many years of hospice experience and she wrote a book called, Dearly Departed. She combines typical therapy and brings in Reiki to help heal the areas that need healing. After each session, I pick angel cards and it fascinates me that they are always on point on where I am at that time. Mind you I could have picked very dark cards, but that has not been the case. I can feel your presence when I'm having the Reiki performed and I know you are there by my side. It wouldn't surprise me if you have your hand on my shoulder, just like you always did when you were here on earth. Something about your touch, always gave me piece of mind and made me relax. And the many times you would give me a shoulder massage to try to get me to relax, while saying to me "it's ok mom....relax". Your touch is what I miss the most.

Before today, I was in the numb stage, which I don't like. This is probably the one stage that I dislike the most, because I don't feel anything. When I'm in this stage, I think of you and think about your flesh and blood and how that is just gone...just like that, gone.......turned to ash. I know your physical body isn't what continues on, its your soul that continues living with me, but it's hard to not miss your physical body. Those beautiful eyes, your dimple on the left side (I have the same dimple on the same side), that smile....oh that beautiful smile, your chubby fingers, your cute butt that I would tap and say how you had a big butt and you would say, "No, you have a big butt Mommy". Those things are hard not to miss and that is what I grieve the most.

Next month is another tough month I have to prepare myself for. It will be 1 YEAR since you left us and went to heaven. Daddy and I will be going to Puerto Vallarta that week and we come back a day before your angelversary. I'm not sure what I will do for you, but something is telling me to go back to the ocean instead of having a mass for you. Something about the ocean and the energy and peace it brings me, I tend to lean towards that. The one thing I would like to do for you is to honor you and try to appreciate all the wonderful gifts you brought to me since day one and continue bringing me even now. Plus, you always like to have parties, so there you go, we have to celebrate you as if you were physically here. So make sure you are there....I will be looking for you my beautiful girl.

Someone recently told me that they see me doing something along the lines of writing a book. Ha....writing I say. I've never been a good writer, but I have considered it and already have a title for the book, even though I can't imagine myself writing, but will let the angels guide me. Maybe if I write, I can help others along the way that are dealing with similar grief. My motto these days are, "if it is meant to happen, it will happen. And whatever happens, happens as it should be". Sometimes I do forget this motto, but I know I have to let go the control and let the angels and you guide me to my next destination. For it surely isn't what I'm doing now. I'm in transition and I feel it. It scary, but exciting at the same time.

Until next time my beautiful Elyce. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.

The Calm Before the Storm

This month coming up is one that I'm dreading. I'm not even sure how to get through your birthday and then right after that, Mother's Day. I'm starting to feel the heart palpitations again from the anticipation of these two very important dates. I can't even begin to think how I'm going to get through them. Your birthday has always been so important to you and I can't figure out what I can do to make it special. In reality, I just want to run away and hide and I will probably do just that, but even that saddens me. I've never been one to run away, but I don't know how else to face it.

Mother's Day is obsolete to me since the day you passed. What's so special of celebrating this day without you here with me? Yes, I know some people are going to think and try to tell me that I have 2 other children that need me. blah blah blah, but I don't care what others think since they have absolutely no idea how someone would feel losing their ONLY biological child. I'm going to have to keep myself busy and maybe get away from the house for the weekend to be alone and just cry from all the sadness I will be feeling that day and the days leading up to this day.

I've been worried lately, because this past week I got back into my funk again and it's scaring me. It scares me, because its starting to feel like it wants to stick around and I'm doing everything in my power to push this depression away. Tennis has been my safe haven where I can go and get away and have a good time, but lately even that doesn't help as much as it used to. I'm doing yoga once a week, but I need to consider going more often to see if it helps. The last thing I want to do is medicate myself with chemicals and toxins. I'm trying to do it the natural way so God help me.



Maybe calling my spirit guides to help me right now is what I need to consider doing. After all they are there to guide me via intuition and nudge me to stay on track of my soul's purpose whatever that may be. Up to this day, I've been going with my intuition and attending various workshops that I feel are guiding me as you have been. I don't question my decision or judge them, since I know I'm being guided even if it's never been my norm before your passing. I simple just go and take in what I feel applies to me. Recently, I haven't been meditating as much as I should. The main reason has been, because I can't seem to get my thoughts to quiet down or the anger to subside when I meditate at home and sometimes it's better to walk away and take a walk rather than try to meditate. Although, I know I need to find another place that will give me peace and typically it's when I attend the meditation class once a week. There is something sacred about this place that I am able to relax and mediate right from the start.

Anther memorable day will be May 29, which is Shane and my anniversary. We hope to get away for the weekend and play some golf and tennis, but I will be thinking of the day we got married and how daddy presented you with a beautiful cross necklace made out of sapphires, like my ring. It was so special and you adored your daddy. It was as if you got married too.



Once May is out of the way, then I have a month and a half to then face your angelversary. Another day that will be tough, but Shane and I already made plans to go to Puerto Vallarta that week and return on Friday the 19th. Stephanie will be in Puerto Vallarta another week and Noe will be staying with Shane's dad, so Shane and I can spend this day together and weep.

Just anticipating all this makes me anxious, so I have to try to stay in the present moment and face one day at a time. This will most likely be my last post until June, so I hope all my friends who are Mother's treasure the day with your children and count your blessings.

Walking the path

Today, I woke up knowing it was time to write on my blog, especially after you visited me in my dream. Even though I am happy when you visit me in my dreams, I woke up hysterically crying, because as much as I continue grieving your loss, I'm still shocked you are not physically with me. In this dream we all knew you were dying and I was prepping you for it and it was my job to take you down the right path. I recall not being able to find you and later found you with her pjs in her hand going down the wrong path. When you seen me you said, "oh mom", as you used to say with a sigh as if I was here to save the day or when you would be so happy to see me. Then I woke up with all these emotions inside me and crying until I fell back to sleep. This dream made me ask myself, I'm I holding you back from going where you needs to go? Are you lost or in limbo out there? I hope that wasn't the message, because it would make me sadder. I do believe you are where you need to be and that your visit in this dream was to let me know that we continue walking on the path together. I'm stretching here but have to hold onto hope of some kind. The other message can be that I need to make sure I'm walking down the right path and that if I have any doubt of a specific path, to steer clear from it and go with my instincts.

It's been an interesting journey since you have been gone. I'm always have had a keen sense of intuition and now that I am opening more up, I'm learning that I am seeing things more clearly. Some things I see may not make sense at the time, but as time goes by, the light comes on and it makes perfect sense. I'm holding on to the belief that things in my life are happening as they should. I'm where I should be at this present time.

Two days ago as I was driving home, I started thinking about you and Alba. I was trying to remember the day she passed away, December 15, and then I remembered the day you passed away, July 20 and it dawned on me that you were 5 years older than Alba. To be exact, 5 years 2 months older. You died 5 months, 5 days from each other. Your birthday is May 2 and hers is July 2. The coincidence in the number 2 and 5 is amazing. The other connection with the number 2 is, my birthday is August 22. We adopted 2 children. You and Alba were called, twins. My license plate has Elyce 2. Why 2 and 5, I don't really know, but there is some kind of connection with these 2 numbers and I'm sure I will know when I should know.

So wherever the road takes me in the near future, I will know the you are holding my hand and leading the way. I will know that this is where I need to be. For now I'm open to going wherever you think I need to be.....just lead the way.



Mommy loves you to the moon and back!

Signs

Hello my beautiful girl...it's been almost a month since I last wrote. It's not because I have forgotten about you....it's just been hard to write lately. After my last posting, I hit a dark place for a day. It was so not me and it scared me. I woke up one Saturday morning and I didn't have the energy, drive, and will to get up. I woke up thinking of you and crying inconsolably. For whatever reason, I woke up thinking of you and flashing back to the the last time I checked you in to the hospital and all the pain you were in. As a laid in bed crying, I thought to myself, Elyce has NEVER cried like that ever before....how much pain she must have been in and I felt so sad. Then I started thinking of the pain mommy put you through when I had to lift you up to place the bed pan under you and the screaming and crying that came out of you. Just writing about it makes me so sad and helpless. How can any mommy see their child go through so much pain?

On this dark day of mine, I stayed in bed until noon time, then decided to get up and get some tea. Once I went downstairs to get my tea, I remembered I had taped some tennis matches I wanted to see, so I decided to stay downstairs and watch one of the matches. Once I finished watching the match, I felt more energized and decided I should get dressed and go to my favorite lunch spot. Daddy and the kids had left for lunch and daddy had a tennis match after lunch, so I was home alone (although daddy was reluctant to leave me alone, but I wanted alone time). Even though I went out, I can feel myself wanting to cry over anything, but I toughed it out and had a nice lunch by myself and decided to go cheer daddy on. By the time daddy finished playing his tennis match, it was after 5 p.m. and I felt more like myself. I was able to get out of my funk and not stay in bed feeling depressed, so that made me feel good.

I thank God that I have a hobby that I love to do and that has helped me so much. I think of the many parents who have lost a child and do not have hobbies and they just stay home and the depression sets in. Although, I do think you are helping me through this by lifting me up and getting me through those hard days.

In this past month, I joined some new meetup groups that focus on spiritual awareness, meditation, yoga, and energy healing. I'm very intrigued by the energy we each have and the energy I can easily feel from others, including your energy. I'm tapping into this area, because I want to feel you around me all the time. I've always been very intuitive and have had some special moments that others do not have and I want to expand my knowledge in this area. I also attended the Labyrinth of Life meeting with a mom who also lost her daughter (who happens to be downs syndrome). Elyce...have you met her? Her name is Grace. She was as beautiful as you my love. In this meeting we just spoke about the earths energy and we all got to choose some angel tarot cards. I chose 2...don't know why 2, but others chose the number they wanted to choose. These cards were very meaningful to me and they had the following meaning (based on my interpretation which is NOT coincidence I picked them....nothing is coincidence - things are how they should be). See below pictures.



Two of Water: A relationship that continues to grow. Forgiveness. The positive resolution of a conflict.

At first when I seen this card, I automatically thought "Alba and Elyce", but the wording threw me off. The person heading this meeting DID NOT give us a reading or anything like that. After we finished meditating, I realized the meaning of this card and it wasn't what I had first thought. Many people know I have struggled with Noe and Stephanie, especially after you passed away. The #2 has many meanings: You were born on May 2. Alba and Elyce called themselves twins = 2. Noe and Stephanie = 2 adoptive children. My license plate has (love symbol)Elyce2. I chose 2 cards.....why I don't know....I didn't think about the number. So this card was telling me that I will find forgiveness for Noe and Stephanie, because I struggle and I blame them for being here instead of you. Right or wrong, but that's what I feel. But this card gave me hope...hope that I will resolve this conflict and forgive them for something they have no control as I had no control over you dying. I know you are sending me these messages and I am hopeful I can get past this anger. They did not have any control over this situation, as I had NO control....as much as I thought I did....I had NONE.

The Lovers: Intimate Relationships. Carefully Weigh Your Decisions. Good Health.

This card was reminding me to focus on daddy and work on having an intimate relationship. I've been struggling with your death and feel that I need to run away and leave everyone behind.....even daddy as much as I love him. So this card is telling me to carefully think about the decisions I make and how important daddy is to me to just let things go, simply because I feel like running away from everything. Good health means just that. I've had anxiety attacks to the point that I thought I may be having heart problems. Now I'm making sure I'm eating well and taking all my supplements that I need to take to get my health under control.

These two cards are my life as of now. As crazy as it may sound, life events are no coincidence, they happen for reasons we don't know or will never know until we go up to heaven and everything will be clear to us. Until then, I hold on to hope and continue working on my energy so that I can feel you are still part of my life, even if I can't see you.....I feel you.

Mommy loves you to the moon. You are my spirit and my soul. You are my love of my life and will always be even if you aren't here with me. Keep sending me signs, because I am open to them. I'm no longer scared. I'm just scared that I won't continue feeling your energy and I don't want that. Love you my beautiful Elyce.

How will I ever stop hurting?

My baby girl......mommy misses you so much and I don't know how to stop hurting or to continue going on. I hurt so much and my heart is physically hurting, that I had to go to doctors last week. Now I know what they mean when people say they have a broken heart.....because, it does feel like it's broken. Today is a hard day for me and when daddy and I have disagreements, I feel like my world is falling apart and I don't know what to do to get it back in order. Maybe I do need to take time away, but I'm too scared to leave, because I may never come back. I keep thinking of things I can do to fill the void, but nothing seems to work even though in the surface I seem ok. When reality hits me, it hurts so much and I can feel my heart breaking in pieces. I keep thinking if I can only find something that will help mend my heart, I can get past this, but there isn't anything that I have found that has helped. There are so many people out there that want to help me and I appreciate it so so much, but at the end of the day, I'm in this alone and not even my husband can help me. I'm the only person that can help me, but I don't know how. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself, but all I want is to not hurt so much and not to be so angry at the people who are the closest to me.....Daddy and the kids. I take it out on them and sometimes I think they are better off without me.

Elyce.....I need you to continue guiding me in the direction you think I should go. I can't do this alone....I need you to lead me and to talk to me and continue being there by my side. Can you do that for me? I do believe you are telling me that I should take time for me and to be selfish for ones in my life.

Are you and Alba flying high being happy together? Mommy is going to try talking to the medium in hope I can connect with Alba. I just want to be reassured the twins are together as I think you are.

Mommy wants you to know that I will love you forever and ever! Mommy hopes and prays that when I see you in heaven, you will not forget who I am and it will be as if you never left me. LOVE YOU MY SWEET ANGEL!

Missing you my Angel!

Hello my Beautiful Elyce,

It seems like I have been missing you a whole lot lately. Last weekend I went to a yoga retreat and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was very emotional for me, but I was able to enjoy it and met some wonderful people. It seemed as though the presenters were all speaking to me all weekend, even if there were over 140 people at the retreat. We had a very inspirational speaker named Tom Kelly that really touched me, even though he made us do some crazy eye gazing :-). Talk about being uncomfortable staring into different people's eyes for what seemed like eternity, but nevertheless, I felt as if everyone can see my sorrow. 3 out of the 4 people got teary eyed and I knew they felt the pain I felt of having lost you physically. I happened to be talking to a group of ladies and told them that sometimes I'm mad at God, because he took you too young. At the end of the retreat, one of the ladies reminded me that if I'm mad at God, then in a sense I'm mad at you and I realize I would never be mad at you for leaving me or for anything. I realized at that moment that I need to get more connected with God and spiritually, so in turn I can keep you closer to me.

After the long weekend of being alone, I actually felt the way I would imagine an alcoholic feels, scared to come home and go back to the same old ways. I almost felt that I should be away from everyone until I can get it together, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do so or at least to the somewhat normal life I had before you left this earth. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't cringe when I'm around Noe and Stephanie. I cringe, because they are happy kids and healthy and it's a constant reminder that I will never hear your happy voice, or be able to hold and kiss you and hear you laugh hysterically. Yes...it's not the kids fault....I KNOW, but regardless these are the feelings that I have. This is why I started meditating and trying to become a yogi, so I can try to live in the moment, even though the moment doesn't include you. Yes....I know your spirit is here.....and people stop reminding me of that, BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!! I CAN'T HOLD YOU AND KISS YOU AND I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW. I even asked you to show up in my dreams where I am holding and kissing you, so that I can try to feel you that way.

Grieving is such an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I feel happy when I'm doing what I love to do, playing tennis, and other times I'm mad at the world, God, myself, Shane, kids, and anybody who thinks they know what I'm going through and tells me to do something as if they know it will work. It seems like the last 2 months I have been in the angry stage, but today I started thinking about how you felt going through the dying process. I started visualizing you when you couldn't breath and they had to intubate you. I wondered if you were in a lot of pain and if you were screaming inside trying to tell us something. Then I start thinking of what I could have done to save you and there are many things that I could have done better that would have saved you, if God didn't already have a plan for you. As your Mother, I knew there was something wrong and when your fever started and you fell asleep on the beach, I knew that wasn't normal. So I didn't wait long to take you home and make you some homemade soup. That night daddy knew there was something wrong with your voice, so there he went to emergency with you, but nothing showed up on the ct scan. Next day he took you to Kaiser and again nothing showed up and it looked like you were doing better, but then later that Sunday you complained about your side hurting and your voice was going raspy again and instead of taking you to emergency that night, I waited. Why did I wait? I knew there was something going on outside the norm, but I just thought I was going to ask Shane to take you there again and he had to work the next day, so I thought I had time to take you in the morning. The next morning it was obviously too late, because your organs started giving you more problems.....I knew your kidneys were a problem, because your urine was very very yellow and you were in pain.

I haven't really blamed myself or Shane for this, but I think after speaking to someone recently about you passing away, they brought up the hospital and why you even ended up getting sepsis. I mentioned to them, that the hospital wouldn't have seen it either and if I start putting blame on the hospital, I might as well put blame on me and Shane. The weekend before you got sick, we took you to Arizona and bought a picc line cover so that you can enjoy the pool. Did the pool water get into your picc line and is that how the bacteria got into your blood stream? Your picc line never got wet, but is that something we could have prevented? We also second guessed ourselves and were thinking about getting you off of the picc line before our trip, but we kept it in. I'm sure that others who lose a child or loved one, goes through this same process of blaming themselves. I'm sure they do, but after doing this to myself today, I realized it's too emotionally hard to ask myself these question and to think that I could have done something to prevent you from passing away. For my sanity, I have to believe God's plan was already written and there was nothing anyone could have done to save you. As much as I have always felt I'm in control of what happens to my life or yours, I was quickly reminded that I have no control whatsoever.

So now what? All I have to really hold onto is that I figure out how to keep your spirit close to me and living inside of me. If I could learn to love everybody the way you loved, than I will be successful. I know it's in me, because I loved and continue to love you unconditionally. But what does this all really mean at the end of the day? I really don't have any answers. All I can do is hope that you are leading me the way. I can only hope that I really know what my dharma (purpose in life) is in this lifetime.

Lychee.....Mommy misses you and loves you to eternity! I will never ever stop loving you and I hope when we meet again, you will not have forgotten me. I'm counting on that!

New Year - 2013

My beautiful Elyce,

Mommy survived the holidays. It was very difficult and I was on edge the entire time, but I manage to get away with daddy and avoid all the hoopla. There were certain things I couldn't see or get involved with, like seeing kids opening up gifts from others or listening to any Christmas songs, even though you loved Feliz Navidad. The other was being around everyone when the clock hit midnight on New Years. I couldn't hear everyone get excited and yell, "Happy New Year", mainly because it will never be a happy new year without you. This year will have no new memories of you and nothing to really look forward to, like I have always looked forward to events or competitions you were scheduled to have. When it was time for the countdown, I just slipped away to my car and cried. Cried, because I felt so lonely and cried, because you won't be here this year. The good thing, if there is such a thing, is that I survived it and was glad once the holidays were all done.

We are planning Alba's memorial service for this weekend. Even though it's tough to do another memorial service, I think it is nice for her friends to have some closure (if that's the proper word to use here). Daddy is making the video, and it's taking him some time, because it's so emotional. I know daddy will do a great job and it will come out as great as yours did. My plan is to setup a video camera for her friends to send a message to Alba's mom or tell her parents about a story about Alba that will bring some happiness to them. As a grieving Mother, I know how important those things are. I wished your friends did that for me, but I know they can't, because they are limited in what they can do. I did have a few send me letters that I will keep with me forever. The other thing we are planning on doing, is videotaping the entire memorial, so that her parents can have that memory, since they won't be here. Look out for the balloons we are going to release....they will have notes on them, so make sure you guys catch all of them.

Lately I've been having many dreams with you in them. They make me so happy. One was you dressed in your pj onesies and your boots. You were about 7 years old and it made me smile and happy, because I remembered how much you would like to wear your boots, regardless of the weather. One of the many nicknames Shane gave you was, "boots", because you loved to wear them all the time. In another dream, I remember seeing you and being surprised that you were there. We were at a party and I remember grabbing your hand softly, because I knew you were fragile, and I pulled you out to the dance floor. You were dancing with me, then you got distracted, because one of the kids grabbed a jar of yours that had stuff in it, and you got mad and gave them that look you always give when you are mad. I continue having other dreams that I do not remember too well, but I wake up knowing you were in my dream and get happy. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. I really enjoy it and I hope to continue seeing you there. Daddy finally had a dream of you too and I know he was so excited, so keep showing up in his dreams. He will be very happy.

Mommy has been a wreck lately. It seems like I can cry so easily these days and the tears just flow. I feel so lost again....not knowing if I'm coming or going. My health is getting worse and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm going to the Chopra center for a 4 day yoga retreat and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also trying to eat better and start on an ayurvedic diet.

There are days I just want to run away, but then I think if I leave, I'm leaving you behind. This house is so you and your room is still intact. I even bought some items to put up on your wall and hung the beautiful pink heart on your door. Did you like it? Your favorite color. So when I think about leaving (don't know where I would go) I can't get myself to leave, even thinking about going to Puerto Vallarta and getting away, makes me sad. I have never been alone. When I was divorced, I had you with me. We have always been connected at the hip and you were my side kick. So now when I think about leaving, I just get sad and feel so lonely, because you won't be there with me physically. When you left this world, I left with you. There doesn't seem to be anything here left for me, because I died when you did. There has to be a purpose why I'm here and you are not. There has to be something I must do before I leave this world, but what is it? What's my dharma? I thought I always knew what my dharma was, but maybe it's not what I think it has always been. I felt my dharma has been to help others with similar disabilities, or help other that don't have the knowledge or resources I may have, or mentor children, or be there for my family and friends and provide them with strength. Maybe it's helping my adoptive kids, but right now it's hard to wrap my arms around that, because I'm so bitter that you are not here. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get angry hearing young kids laughing and having a good time. I just want to run away, because it's just another reminder of what you are not able to do. Well I guess if I can survive this, maybe I can survive anything. Only the future knows what's in store for me and what my dharma will be.

I love you and miss you every second of every day. I hope you are happy in heaven with your twin. I'm sure you and Alba are hanging out giggling like crazy....like that giggle where I had to tell you to run to the restroom so you didn't go in your pants. That's how hard you would laugh and just hearing you laugh like that, would make me start laughing. That was pure joy to me. Until next time my baby girl....I'll see you in my dreams.

I love you this big (((((((((((((((( hugs kisses )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity.