My Sweet Beautiful Elyce,
Today marks 3 weeks since you have been gone. The week you were in the hospital is a blur and I know I’ve been numb ever since you’re passing. It finally hit me last week that I will never see you again. Telling myself I will not see you ever again is what kills me inside. There is such emptiness in my heart that it feels like I’m not alive anymore. I’m like a robot. I am doing things, but my mind is elsewhere and in a fog.
People say your service was beautiful, but was it? Did it do you justice? I don’t think so; you had so much life and love in you that it’s hard to explain to others that didn’t know you very well. Although, most people who attended loved you very much and they had good stories about you that always made them smile.
Every morning and night I tell you “good morning /good night my beautiful girl”. Do you hear me? I’ve been talking to you every day and have been telling you to give me a sign that will tell me you’re ok. I even give you specific things to drop or move, but I have to understand you will send me a sign when it’s time. That day came on August 9, 2012. I got out of my car for some food and left the driver’s side open while Shane waited outside. I had been driving on this particular trip and as soon as I got back into the car, I noticed the feather on my seat. I believe that was you telling me you are ok, right? It had to be, because there weren’t any birds or trees around.
Mommy cries when I relive the moments in the hospital. Especially when you were crying and said, “I want to go home”. I wish I could have taken you home, but you were in so much pain that I couldn’t take you with me. When I think of the last time I seen you alive, I remember you asking me to stay the night with you in the hospital. Why didn’t I stay? I wish I had stayed with you and I decided to sneak out so you wouldn’t be upset. Daddy always stays with you and I thought this was going to be another one of our visits that you would come back home. I thought I was going to bring you home and Daddy and the kids were going to be waiting for you with balloons and flowers. Daddy would have carried you out of the car and taken you to your bed, just like you liked it. That’s how it should have been, just like prior hospital visits.
Mommy remembers how much you love your grandma Rose. Are you with her? Every day you would ask for your Grandma. I remember I used to tell you that you will see her when God decides it’s your time to go to heaven. Do you remember what you said to me? You said, “I don’t want to go to heaven....I want to stay here with you”. Mommy cries remembering that, because I know you wanted to stay with me. In the hospital you fought so hard to stay with us, but my baby, God needed you up there to liven up the place.
Mommy cries when people ask me how I am doing. I want to yell and tell them I think about leaving this world so I can be with you, but I bite my tongue so they don’t feel bad. When people tell me, “Elyce is in a better place”. I want to tell them; NO….the better place would be with me.
My beautiful Elyce…..I will try to be strong like you were, but I’m realizing I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I cry at work, in the car, in the store, at home, and other places. I haven’t been able to go into your room yet. I will one of these days, but I know I will end up staying in there and won’t want to come out.
Love,
Your Mommy
Christina I am heartbroken for you. I know Elyce was your everything - your world. I'm sick inside thinking about what your every minute without Elyce might be like. I don't want this kind of suffering for you! You are living every parents worst nightmare and I am so sorry. I feel so helpless. If there is anything I can do that might give you the slightest bit of comfort, please reach out to me. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteCristina, I am so sorry for the pain that you are enduring. I can see that it feels like your world is jaded because Elyce is no longer with us in this material world, but I promise you, Elyce is with you and always will be.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for you and your family every day and every night from the bottom of my heart that God would continue to carry you through these times and keep Elyce close to you...
...I had a dream the other night. It was one of those dreams that seems quick and faded, but somehow you remember the important pieces, just barley. In this dream I saw Elyce walking in a direction leading away from me. She was radiant, so radiant that I could not make our her features. I only knew that it was her because of the feeling in my heart. The light that was behind her was brilliant, soft and calming (so much so that even I felt at peace). When I asked her to stay and she said she could not. I then asked her where she was going, she told me that she had to go back to be by her Mommy. All of these words she spoke to me without even opening her mouth, but I heard them anyway. This is how I know Elyce is with you.
God is good, Cristina. He will never stop loving you and would never take Elyce away from you, he just took her away from her bodily pain. I know things are not the same, but your love and for her and her love for you is timeless.
There are no words that can relieve your pain, though I wish there were. But God will carry you through this, I have no doubt. Elyce got her strength, grace, beauty and ability to love deeply from you. If you believe she was strong, then know that you too are strong. I know it hurts, but you are not alone.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
With lots of love always,
Courtney