Miss you my baby!

I'm dying inside today my beautiful girl. I struggle to breath and to keep it together. I've had some people that I never would have thought to be there for me and are and they are giving me hope and encouraging me to go on and smile, just like you would have wanted me to. It's funny how people struggle to find the words to say to me, but it isn't that hard and if they do not have words, just a hug and an acknowledgement would be fine. I've joined an online support group called MISS Foundation. There are many parents on this site that are mourning the lose of their child/children. The only downside to this is that it doesn't seem to get better in the sense that I will always miss you dearly and I will continue having good days and bad days.

Daddy and I are trying to keep it together. Your Daddy is having a very hard time. He misses you so much, as I do, but his days are so hard right now, because when he gets up in the morning to get kids going, he expects to see your door open and you strolling out with your eyes half shut. We feel helpless and there is such emptiness that we don't have energy to do much of anything. I have days that I am in disbelief and I don't know if subconsciously I think you are coming back or what, but when reality hits its painful. It's almost like I'm reliving your death every time this happens....over and over again.

We are scared to forget your beautiful smile, humor, your facial expressions, your touch, your kisses, but we have pictures to remind us; Although, there aren't enough to satisfy me. I had to delete the ones I took of you on the beach, because those make me so sad. It takes me back to the day your fever started and the pictures show how you weren't feeling well, but you still put that smile on your face which amazes me! Those were the last pictures I took of you and it makes me sad. Your aunt Vicky took some of you when you were in the hospital, because the kids couldn't go in to see you. The other day when I was in my robotic mode, I decided to look at them to remind me that you are never coming back and it was hard to do, but I know I have to remind my robotic self of this often. Daddy is getting all your VHS videos that we have of you performing in your school plays. I can't wait to see them again....it's been awhile.

I look for signs of you, but I know that I have to be open to them in order to see them. At night when it's dark, I have my eyes open and I'm looking around to see if I can see you. I do see many different lights in waves...not sure what that means, but that's when I get scared and close my eyes. I'm going to see a medium sometime soon. She tells me she has already received messages from you and I can't wait to hear them. Please come by and visit me in my dreams. I'll be waiting for you. I love you my beautiful Elyce!