Happy Halloween My Angel

Hi Baby Girl.....today is the first of the many holidays you enjoyed celebrating. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate, but all I have is the memories and the pictures of you in your costumes. They are never enough for me, because as many pictures I have of you, they will never make up the fact that you are gone. Damn it....it hurts so much! I just want to scream! Now I know why people who lose a child get addicted to drugs, because it hurts so much and nothing can take the pain away. I wish I can run away from it all....but the commitments keep me here and the thought that I'm leaving you behind keeps me here as well.

Noe and Stephanie dressed up for school last week, but they won't be going out to trick or treat today. I just don't have it in me, but I told them they can dress up and I would take them to their favorite place to eat and then they can pick where they want to go for dessert. I know I could have had someone take them, but I also didn't want to be alone today, because I know I will be sad and just curl up in a ball and cry all night.

I'm almost finished with your Dia de los Muertos altar. I'm adding your favorite things up there, as well as Frida's bone and a shot for Rose. I hope you will come visit tomorrow or the next day. I'll be waiting for you. Stephanie told me a few things that you will like, so I'm putting those out later tonight.

I started meditation, in hope that it will help me get through this, but in reality I think it just gives me peace of mind, but will never repair my broken heart. Daddy and I are attending an event at the Chopra center for the weekend....hopefully if we find someone to watch the kids for us. It sounds like it will be a good relaxing weekend for us. Daddy thinks I should get away for a week or two and the weird thing is that I do want to, but then I think I'm leaving you behind at home. I do know that I need something, but nothing I do will ever ever bring you back and that is all I want. There is nothing else that matters, but having you back with me. So if this isn't possible, now what? What's left to do? What's my purpose in life? What's going to make me smile like I once did?

I'm thinking of talking to the medium again....I want to feel you close again and I've been so caught up with all my emotions, that I don't feel you as strongly as I would like. I'm not scared of seeing you Elyce......Mommy is passed that, so it's ok for you to show up and talk to me.

I'm looking forward in seeing you in the next days, so I encourage you to come and see us and eat all your favorite foods you liked to eat. We will be waiting with open arms. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU MORE. I LOVE YOU THIS BIG...............

P.S. Was this you? You never liked bats, but I did find it odd that we had one in our front porch when there has never been one that we have ever seen around where we live.

3 Months today

Hello Elyce....today marks the 3rd month you have been gone. When I write this it shocks me to say that. I wonder if I will ever get used to the idea that you are gone to heaven and I won't be able to see you physically. These past weeks have been the roughest weeks for me. I can't seem to get it together and I'm of no help to anyone else in the family. Stephanie misses you a lot and I don't know what to do to help her, because I don't have the ability to help her much, because I'm so consumed with not having you here with me. Stephanie decided she was going to write on her comforter the word "love" with a heart on it. She says she wrote it, because she misses you. But she had to write on the comforter? She doesn't know how to express herself and thinks that's the best way, when in fact she has a journal next to her bed that she is supposed to write in. These are the things I have no patience for. Yes...she is hurting, but so am I! What sense does that make to write on a comforter when you have a journal.

Your dad and I aren't doing to good right now. I can't seem to really talk to him lately. It feels so lonely right now. I just want to run away....don't know where, but just run away. I just hope these feelings change soon, because I don't like this feeling. The good thing is that I still get up out of bed, even though sometimes like today, I want to just lay there and lose myself. Some say as long as I get up, am walking, I'm surviving. But I don't want to live just surviving....I want to have that love I had with you.....but I don't.

Let's hope by the next blog things are looking up. Until then....I miss you and I love you this ------------------------ LOVE ------------------------------- BIG!

Why?

Why is it so hard to go into your room my girl? I still see you sitting at your desk coloring and drawing while singing along to a movie you would be watching. All I wanted to go in there to do is to sweep your bathroom so it's all nice and clean like I used to do every Friday. But the realization you aren't coming home after school just makes me lose it! Why did it have to happen this way? I swear life is not fair! Why do they take the most precious people in our lives away from us, when there is still so much life in them? I just don't get it. I'm so so angry! Sometimes I feel I'm losing it.....I have moments out on the tennis courts that I feel happy, but it's kind of an outer body experience happy and then I come home and something like seeing your bathrobe hanging on the back of the door makes me completely lose it out of control. I'm so sad and I miss you more each day that passes. Lately I just want to run away, but my obligations stop me. I know people say and I do believe it, that you would NOT want me to be sad, but honey you are my life. How could I just go on without you? I know you want me to be happy, but you were my happy. I love you and miss you so much and it's killing me!

Dear Elyce

Elyce,

Mommy misses you SO much. Sunday's are tough days for me. When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I expect to see you coming into our room and putting your face into mine and saying, "come on Mom get up.....it's time for breakfast" as your are kissing me non-stop. Then you say, "Mom....mommy, ma, mommy, mom, ma...get up now....time to get up". But as I lay there and wait for you, you never come.

Dalise and I won our tennis match for you yesterday. Did you see us playing? I had your pink chair out so you can cheer us on. Some of the other teams tennis player remembered you. They thought you were my sister! LOL!

You haven't showed up in mine or daddy's dreams, but you sure have showed up in others dream. Your aunt Lola said she had a dream of you playing with her and laughing up a storm and being so happy. You remember how much Lola loved you, don't you. She did.... just like everyone else. You sent my friend Jeannie a message for me through a dream and she was so honored. She was right....you got your wings and are now flying. When I think of you flying, I can't stop hearing you sing the song, I believe I can Fly. That was one of your favorite songs and thank goodness I have you recorded singing that song. You also showed up in Elizabeth's dream and in everyone of those dreams you were happy. I wouldn't expect anything less than that. That was you.....a happy carefree loving beautiful girl that everyone loved.

This new world that I'm living in is not fun without you. I don't like it here without you. You were my LIFE! You have always been by my side and I can only hope that you will still be there. I look back at pictures and video's when it was just you and me. There are pictures of you and I sitting in front of the TV with our table trays eating our dinner together. There is video of you and I slow dancing like we used to do all the time. Do you remember? I would get down on my knees and slow dance with you. You were always my dancer and my partner in everything we did and I miss that so much! I never knew it would be possible to love someone as much as I love you and I'm grateful for that, but at the same time I'm sad, because I will never love someone as much as I loved you. It's just impossible!

I started going to a support group, but it may be too early. The one common thing that everyone seems to say is that people start giving up on us and set expectations on when we should be done grieving. That's so selfish of people to do that, BUT I thank God I have had a lot of support from my family and friends. Although, I did get upset with your Grandpa for telling me that it's nice to see me doing good. How can he possible think I'm doing good? Yes....I'm walking and breathing, but that doesn't mean I'm good. I WILL NEVER GET OVER LOSING YOU. EVER! How can I or how can parents really get over it? They can't....they just learn to live this new so called life as a zombie until they can get it together, if ever you can.

I had lunch with Hallie, Pia, Julie, and Carrie. We had a really nice brunch talking about the kids and talking about you. Hallie said the first year of losing someone is a blur and it's the 2nd year that sucks. Great! I thought it would get easier, but I can see why she says that. I'm still in denial and it probably hits around that time that you will never be coming back. When I told Hallie about the medium stating there was a 40 year old man with Bacah greeting you in heaven....she thought of Eric. She thought her Eric may have been that person and I don't necessarily doubt that. I went back to read my notes and it didn't say this person had gone abruptly like I thought and she knew how much Eric and you bonded. So are you with him too?

This weekend we met a Downs' boy named Jacob at the soccer fields your cousins play in. It made me happy to see all the kids playing with him. You set that example for your siblings and cousins. You taught them to love all no matter their differences. They were so patient with him and enjoyed playing with him, even if he was bossing them around. LOL! I can see you doing the same thing. Besides Jacob, there were other Downs' children there playing soccer like you used to. I thought it would make me sad, but it didn't. It made me smile, because I thought back when you played and how great of an athlete you were and it was nice seeing these kids doing the same. It's hard to turn my back on them or any special needs. It's just part of who I have always been and I hope the new me doesn't stop helping them as I have always done. Daddy and I said we will take some time away from Special Olympics, but hopefully we can continue doing what we do best, giving our support to these athletes.

Mommy loves you always and I hope to see you in my dreams...or at night. I'm not scared to see you, should I be so lucky. I'm open to it, so don't hesitate to show up. I won't scream or get scared, because it will be a privilege to see you again. Until then my sweet Angel.

October is Down Syndrome month and love this beautiful poem posted by: I love Someone with Down Syndrome. Enjoy!


" My face may be different
But my feelings the same
I laugh and I cry
And I take pride in my gains
I was sent here among you
To teach you to love
As God in the heavens
Looks down from above
To Him I'm no different
His love knows no bounds
It's those here among you
In cities and towns
That judge me by standards
That man has imparted
But this family I've chosen
Will help me get started
For I'm one of the children
So special and few
That came here to learn
The same lessons as you
That love is acceptance
It must come from the heart
We all have the same purpose
Though not the same start
The Lord gave me life
To live and embrace
And I'll do it as you do
But at my own pace"

'I laugh, I love, I hope, I try,
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.
And I know you do the same things to,
SO we're not that different me and you!'

Eyes....

Can you see the sadness in my eyes? Can you tell I've been crying day in and day out? Some people say that I look like I'm taking it well or that it's hard to tell since I have this "shell" or "wall" or "stoic" look to me. Don't confuse that for being strong and being able to deal with the blow I've been dealt with. Don't confuse that for being a cold unemotional person, because it doesn't fit the mold you have created in your head in what an emotional person should look like. I'm in survival mode and fighting for my life! Yes, fighting for my life. Fighting to find new meaning in life. Fighting to keep it together to allow myself to function. Fighting to keep my marriage together. Fighting to keep my sanity with my kids who are left behind. Fighting against the depression that is wanting to set in. Fighting for the life I once had and want it back.

Until you have walked in my shoes and in my path, then you can't possibly know what I am going through, regardless of how you perceive it to be.

I understand you want to help me. As I said before help me by being by my side. Help me by talking about my beautiful daughter Elyce. Help me by not avoiding me. Help me by holding my hand, hugging me, patting my back, and by listening to me. Help me continue living life by inspiring me.

One day, I will be able to continue helping others as I have always have. One day I will continue making a difference, as I always loved to do. Until then, help me get through this painful stage in my life, for I know that Elyce would not want me to live a miserable life full of guilt and depression. Elyce wants me to live the life she lived and I will continue fighting for that just because of her. For her legacy was just that....live life to the fullest regardless of all the obstacles you may have faced or continue to face.

Words escape me today.....

but these two poems say it all.

God Saw

God saw the road was getting rough,
The hill was hard to climb;
He gently closed those loving eyes
And whispered “Peace Be Thine.”

The weary hours, the days of pain,
The sleepless nights have passed;
The ever patient worn-out frame
Has found sweet rest at last.

God Saw that you were weary
So He did what He knows best.
He came and stood beside you,
And whispered, “Come and rest.”

You bid no one a last farewell,
Not even a goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.

-Author Unknown-

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

- Author: Ron Tranmer -