Mommy misses you SO much. Sunday's are tough days for me. When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I expect to see you coming into our room and putting your face into mine and saying, "come on Mom get up.....it's time for breakfast" as your are kissing me non-stop. Then you say, "Mom....mommy, ma, mommy, mom, ma...get up now....time to get up". But as I lay there and wait for you, you never come.
Dalise and I won our tennis match for you yesterday. Did you see us playing? I had your pink chair out so you can cheer us on. Some of the other teams tennis player remembered you. They thought you were my sister! LOL!
You haven't showed up in mine or daddy's dreams, but you sure have showed up in others dream. Your aunt Lola said she had a dream of you playing with her and laughing up a storm and being so happy. You remember how much Lola loved you, don't you. She did.... just like everyone else. You sent my friend Jeannie a message for me through a dream and she was so honored. She was right....you got your wings and are now flying. When I think of you flying, I can't stop hearing you sing the song, I believe I can Fly. That was one of your favorite songs and thank goodness I have you recorded singing that song. You also showed up in Elizabeth's dream and in everyone of those dreams you were happy. I wouldn't expect anything less than that. That was you.....a happy carefree loving beautiful girl that everyone loved.
This new world that I'm living in is not fun without you. I don't like it here without you. You were my LIFE! You have always been by my side and I can only hope that you will still be there. I look back at pictures and video's when it was just you and me. There are pictures of you and I sitting in front of the TV with our table trays eating our dinner together. There is video of you and I slow dancing like we used to do all the time. Do you remember? I would get down on my knees and slow dance with you. You were always my dancer and my partner in everything we did and I miss that so much! I never knew it would be possible to love someone as much as I love you and I'm grateful for that, but at the same time I'm sad, because I will never love someone as much as I loved you. It's just impossible!
I started going to a support group, but it may be too early. The one common thing that everyone seems to say is that people start giving up on us and set expectations on when we should be done grieving. That's so selfish of people to do that, BUT I thank God I have had a lot of support from my family and friends. Although, I did get upset with your Grandpa for telling me that it's nice to see me doing good. How can he possible think I'm doing good? Yes....I'm walking and breathing, but that doesn't mean I'm good. I WILL NEVER GET OVER LOSING YOU. EVER! How can I or how can parents really get over it? They can't....they just learn to live this new so called life as a zombie until they can get it together, if ever you can.
I had lunch with Hallie, Pia, Julie, and Carrie. We had a really nice brunch talking about the kids and talking about you. Hallie said the first year of losing someone is a blur and it's the 2nd year that sucks. Great! I thought it would get easier, but I can see why she says that. I'm still in denial and it probably hits around that time that you will never be coming back. When I told Hallie about the medium stating there was a 40 year old man with Bacah greeting you in heaven....she thought of Eric. She thought her Eric may have been that person and I don't necessarily doubt that. I went back to read my notes and it didn't say this person had gone abruptly like I thought and she knew how much Eric and you bonded. So are you with him too?
This weekend we met a Downs' boy named Jacob at the soccer fields your cousins play in. It made me happy to see all the kids playing with him. You set that example for your siblings and cousins. You taught them to love all no matter their differences. They were so patient with him and enjoyed playing with him, even if he was bossing them around. LOL! I can see you doing the same thing. Besides Jacob, there were other Downs' children there playing soccer like you used to. I thought it would make me sad, but it didn't. It made me smile, because I thought back when you played and how great of an athlete you were and it was nice seeing these kids doing the same. It's hard to turn my back on them or any special needs. It's just part of who I have always been and I hope the new me doesn't stop helping them as I have always done. Daddy and I said we will take some time away from Special Olympics, but hopefully we can continue doing what we do best, giving our support to these athletes.
Mommy loves you always and I hope to see you in my dreams...or at night. I'm not scared to see you, should I be so lucky. I'm open to it, so don't hesitate to show up. I won't scream or get scared, because it will be a privilege to see you again. Until then my sweet Angel.
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