Every birthday, I would have to act surprised when I opened up my gifts the kids and Shane bought me in case they didn't know Elyce already told me what was in the gift bags. I loved that about her....she was always so giddy and happy to celebrate me or celebrate her Dad and siblings, that she would blurt out what was in the gifts bags. We would always tell her she had to keep a secret and she would say, "ok ok ok".
The new me is no longer excited or wanting to celebrate birthdays. Why would there be a celebration? What's there to celebrate? This is the new me that hasn't accepted the cards she's been dealt. This is the new me that smiles so people think she is ok. This is the new me that can't wear makeup, because it will smear in less than 5 minutes from all the crying. This is the new me that is starting to get angry at others, because their lives seem to be so perfect and they have healthy kids and have no idea how it feels like to lose a child. This is the new me that wants to scream at God and say, "Why Elyce....what did she do to deserve this!". This is the new me that lost her drive and determination to make a difference in this world. This is the new me that no longer subscribes to places like Downs Syndrome International and gives advise to the new parents. This is the new me that doesn't know what the future holds and is scared to death that I will never know. I don't necessarily like the new me, but this is who I am today.
A few days before my birthday, I came home to a gift bag on my chaise. It had already been a difficult day and I literally cried all the way home. I couldn't wait to get home and go to bed and cry. Shane could see right through me and came upstairs to find me in a the fetal position crying. I asked him to please not bring up the fact that my birthday was a few days away. I asked him to please ignore my birthday this year, because I can't bare the thought of not having Elyce here to celebrate with me. I asked him to please tell the kids not to say anything on my birthday, so I don't get anymore emotional on this day. All this to try to spare me from being depressed on my birthday...but it's like walking on egg shells for everyone including myself. I guess I just need to go head on and accept the fact that this day will be a not so happy day. :-(
I didn't say happy birthday because I knew the last thing it would be this year is happy. I read your blogs and cry for you. I don't want you to suffer like this. I have prayed harder than ever for God to comfort you and ease your pain, if even for a moment.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a birthday gift for you but what I do have is a funny memory to share...
Do you remember the time you, me and Elyce went to the park in downtown San Jose and there was a cop on a black horse? Elyce ran to the horse shouting, "Ebony!! Ebony!!...." you laughed, told Elyce that the horse's name was not Ebony. Then you turned to me and said, "She calls every black animal Ebony". Then I asked the cop what the horses name was and he said, "Ebony". I'll never forget the silenc that followed, then laughter.
Odilia....you made me laugh and thank you for remembering this story, because I totally forgot about it. Your words give me so much comfort and I am thankful!
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