Reality is setting in this week and it has been so difficult to accept reality. I'm still hoping it was a dream, but as time passes by without seeing my beautiful girl, it's more apparent that this hasn't been a dream, but rather a nightmare.
Today I cried buckets for my baby girl Elyce. As I use the word "baby", I can hear Elyce saying, "I'm not baby, I'm Elyce"! She was such a sharp girl! She just got it!
This week I longed to hold her like I used to.....sometimes she would hold me when I needed it. Those hugs and kisses that are given with No expectation and given unconditionally, because of the love we had for each other, is what I miss the most. She wasn't your typical young adult/teenager who would feel embarrassed when Mommy hugged and kissed her. When I would wrap my arms around her and kiss her, it was like it was the last time I would see her and she would say "ohhhhhhh mom" with a sigh as if it soothed her. She felt all the love that I had for her, as I felt the love she had for me. We were joined at the hip and I loved every second of it. A child's love is the biggest love of all and nothing can match it.
It makes me smile thinking of the love we had for each other and now that she is physically gone, my heart is empty....like if there's a hole in it. My husband has big shoes to fill and so far he doing pretty good job in filling them :-)
Cristina
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful and I'm sure it'll help you release some of your pain. I remember my Dads suicide when I was just 14. I say this because for months I thought it wasn't real. I can relate to the "reality" setting in. As time passes, it'll become more bearable. You are such a strong woman and I KNOW you will find a way to keep on living with this heartbreak. Just know you have alot of people who care about you. When you need someone to lean on, you can count on me. Love you Blanca! Rox
Querida Kity:
ReplyDeleteEstamos seguros que Elyce tuvo una vida mucho más feliz que cualquier otra niña gracias al gran amor y dedicación que recibio de su Mamá y de sus familiares. En las pocas ocaciones que tuvimos la fortuna de verla, podíamos darnos cuenta lo feliz que era su vida. Tenemos muy presente el gesto de felicidad que expresó cuando vió a su Mamá contraer matrimonio. Ahora ella está agradeciendo a Dios de haber sido tan dichosa por tener a una gran Mamá y a tantas personas que la han amado. Sin duda ella ocupa un lugar privilegiado en el cielo y desde allí estará cuidando siempre a su querida Mamá, a Shine, a sus adorados abuelitos y a sus tíos que siempre la quisieron tanto. Ella siempre ocupará un lugar muy especial en el corazón de todos los que la amaban, por lo que estamos seguros que no habrá ningún vacío en su corazón sino por el contrario, estará lleno de grandes y bellos recuerdos que perdurarán por siempre.
Deseamos que Dios te premie por todo el amor que le has dado a Elyce.
Con cariño: Tus tios Ofelia, Paco y tus primos Cari, Paco y Luis Andrés
Dear Cristina,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog! Of course, I can only read it when I am not wearing mascara (light chuckle). Your pain and joy are so eloquently expressed in your words that it makes me cry. You and Elyce were given to each other for a reason, dear. We are all here for a reason. You were picked for her because you were the right choice. There wasn't anyone else that could fill those shoes better than you. The same reason that Shane was picked for you, Elyce, Stephanie and Noe.
I know that Elyce taught you, Shane and everyone that knew her many wonderful things about life. Perhaps that was her "reason" for being here on earth. The loss of a child can scar a mother so deeply with pain that on some days she doesn't want to get out of bed. Your pain runs deep because your love for your baby was so great. You miss her so much. Please don't feel guilty. Please don't worry about the would haves,could haves,should haves. You have always tried to take every precaution to ensure the best for Elyce. Life is filled with unintended consequences. Some things are out out of our control. You were and continue you be a wonderful mother, Cristina. Keep writing and sharing. xoxo