Xmas and New Year's

Hi my love.....so glad Christmas is over and for the most part I was able to treat it like any other day, except when people wished us Merry Christmas, which I would not respond or make eye contact in hope to avoid it. On Christmas eve, Daddy and I went to the movies and came back to get dressed for dinner. We went downstairs for happy hour and appetizers and last minute decided to change our dinner plans and go to Osetra. It was a great restaurant and immediately after we sat down, there were some ladies next to us from London and Daddy was wondering how the lobster ravioli taste. I asked the lady after making eye contact how the ravioli was and we didn't stop talking from there. They were both from London, but one lady originally from Ireland and they were the funniest ladies ever. They kept us entertained for at least 2 hours, which was great. We needed that. On Christmas day we got up and walked to breakfast then hit the gym in the hotel. When we returned from the gym, I jumped in the shower and for some reason I started writing on the steamed up glass --- Elyce + Mommy and I lost it then. I was quiet so daddy wouldn't hear me, but then he noticed and wanted to talk about it, but I said I couldn't. It took a lot for me to finish getting ready and go to Balboa park as planned. I really just wanted to get in my car and drive home so I can lay in bed and cry all day and night, but I somehow found the strength to keep going. We had dinner at Prado restaurant and it was excellent, so was glad we were able to enjoy it. I figured I have time on the drive back home to let it all out, which I did. Daddy and I had separate cars and it hit daddy the same, but he was a mess when we got home and wasn't able to sleep much.

I don't know why, but when daddy went to get the kids yesterday, I was already dreading seeing them bring in all the gifts, so I asked daddy to keep them outside in garage for now. I still wanted to stay in my pretend nothing happened week, because it's too painful to think of you not being here to celebrate the holidays. But even with the pretending part, I'm having such a hard time being patient and understanding with the kids. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't handle being with them especially alone. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the constant reminder that they are here and you are not and I get so angry because of that! It's just not fair and I'm pissed off as hell that my adopted kids are here without you and there is nothing nothing I can do about it. Nobody will ever understand this, but they will feel like they can advise or judge me, but they can't. Unless you go through similar situation, then you can't judge!

For New Years eve, uncle Meno and aunt Susi will be here. I'm looking forward in spending time with them, but the closer we get to that day, the more nervous I'm getting. Today, I'm thinking I will step out of the house when the clock hits 12, because I don't want to think of 2013 as a Happy New Year. Why you ask? Because in 2013 there will be no new memories of you and you will not be physically with me in 2013. So what's so fricken "happy" about that? Nothing.....plus every year since 2009 I hoped for a better year and look what it got me. Yes...I'm still in the pissed off stage and I'm not liking this stage too much, because I never know how I'm going to react to a situation and I know it's not fair to others, but I'm trying to survive and if people get offended then I guess they are not people I want in my life.

Yesterday I received a beautiful knitted blanket and 2 books from my old friend Odilia. I'm sure you remember her and she really remembers you and the bond you and I have always had. Odilia gets it...she is one of the few people that can step in my shoes and imagine how I would feel and she hasn't lost a child, but she gets it. The blanket will be used plenty and I will remember what Odilia said the blanket was for, to give me lots of huge hugs. I'm grateful...I really am!

Hope you and Alba are flying high loving each other and being our guardian angels. I'm sure you are helping us get up in the morning and get going. Alba's family need the same and I'm sure Alba is doing the same with them, giving them strength. Next year my only goal is to talk to the medium again. This time I want to reach out to Alba and confirm you and her are together like I think you are.

Mommy misses you every second of every day and I pray that you continue being by my side each and every day I am here on this earth to keep me going.

I love you this big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity!

Today marks 5 Months

For 21 years I had my sidekick Elyce with me 24/7. For 21 years, I've bought presents and surprised her with the things she would cut out and paste for Santa. This year it's the very first year and not the last year that I won't be able to surprise her with gifts. Even if I did buy them and give to charity, it's not the same. It will never be the same. I used to absolutely love Christmas. I looked forward to it and loved seeing the excitement in Elyce's face and later the kids face. Even though Christmas has been so commercialized, the part I liked the most was the baking, cooking, festivities and planning. That was always more important than what gifts I received. Now I don't feel like baking and cooking or celebrating the season without my Elyce. For those that tell me, "she would want me to celebrate and be happy", you are right, but I can't. Sometimes it feels as though being happy and forgetting about the loss is forgetting her. Shane purchased more gifts for the kids, as if they didn't have enough, but felt he wanted to buy them something off their Santa list. To me it was just wrong. It was wrong, because they don't need anymore toys. It was wrong, because buying for them and not Elyce is wrong. It was wrong, because I feel that he can easily do these things without feeling the way I feel.

I'm going through my days lately numb keeping busy trying to speed up the time to next year. Every year since 2009 I said, "oh I can't wait for the new year, fresh start". I had so much hope that it was going to be a better year. I never asked it to be better in the materialistic sense....I asked better for Elyce's health....in that we would be better able to help her and get her back to normal. But that wasn't God's plan. Every year was worse. Now this new year to me will be different, because I will not be hoping for anything. For what I want isn't possible and thinking back on the last 3 years I ask myself, "how bad can it get now after losing Elyce"? I mean granted.....it can be my time to go, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? I mean I would get to be with Elyce and live in the life of no pain and just love.

This year I only have 1 greeting card up on my counter, that was sent by my brother and sister in-law and all the others I tossed (not the beautiful family pictures ones). People may think why? Well it really pisses me off to receive a generic happy holiday card. I mean really???? wishing us Merry Xmas and then just signing your name without any personal note? Sorry if I offend, but I myself am offended from the lack of caring in taking the time and writing a personal note stating how you know it will be a difficult holiday without our beloved Elyce. There's no "merry" or "happy" in my life during this time. I'm not living the life with happiness. I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful only biological daughter and to top it off now mourning the loss of our beautiful exchange student, Alba. So for anyone out there who sends out cards to people who have recently had a loss, please think of those that may not be as fortunate as you and write a personal note so they know you get it and care. Be thankful you are not living in their shoes and have your loved one safe at home.

Miss you every day Elyce. Continue to shine bright like a diamond my Angel! Hope you like the Charlie Brown tree we bought for you....I know you have always wanted one and I'm sorry for not getting one for you in the past. For now on, you will get your Charlie Brown tree every year. Love you to eternity!

Twins and Now Angels

My beautiful Elyce...I've been missing you lately, but I know you were by Alba's side as she went over to the other side to join you. Fate brought you two together and now you are both once again united in heaven where there is no pain, just happiness and an abundance amount of love. Heaven sounds like it's such a beautiful place to be and when it's my time, I can't wait to join both of you.

I knew this time was coming, but I was trying to hold on to faith, but my intuition and my dreams were telling me otherwise. I so hoped the medium was right and that Alba was going to get through this. I guess this is one area where she was wrong. My first dream this week was of you both holding hands and flying so peacefully with smiles on your faces. The last dream I had was 2 days ago and in that dream Alba was here visiting us, but this time she wasn't smiling. We were shopping together and there was a boy who was her brother, but older than what he is. He told me she was done fighting and was ready to go. Then in that same dream we were driving by Chaparral H.S. and a person comes out with a smile and sees her and says, "oh your better now!". She looks at me with a sad look and drives away from him. The man knew with her actions that she wasn't better, but here to say goodbye. Then the final sign was the candle I lit for each one of you. Her candle was always weaker than your candle and 2 days ago the candle went out on its own. I told Shane that I wanted to hold on to "Hope and Faith", but that I knew she wasn't going to get passed this.

It's so surreal how things were played out in yours and Alba's life. Alba was our 7th exchange student, but day one we knew how special she was. She clicked right away and fit in to our family as if she belonged here. Shane and I knew she was special and the love she had for you and you for her was a beautiful -- unconditional love you do not see often. Alba never had a sister and you were the sister she always wanted. Seeing your beautiful spirits together made me smile so much, because I never knew someone can love you as much as I loved you, but Alba did. Alba didn't care if you passed gas and stunk up the room. Alba didn't care that you had Downs syndrome. She knew you were special, as we knew she was too. These two beautiful Angels that we loved so much and will continue to love.

The loss that her parents feel right now I can fully understand. Alba and her family have such a beautiful love for one another and it was so nice to get to experience that when they were here with us. Our lives crossed paths, because we were meant to be there for one another. The fact that Alba was diagnosed with Leukemia in March and everyone thinking she may pass away and then Elyce passing away in July out of the blue just didn't make sense then. But maybe Elyce showed Alba to fight and to be strong, because everything she had to endure with Leukemia was going to be tough. Then Elyce going before Alba....maybe it was so Elyce can greet her when Alba crossed to the other side.

But what's the message here? I mean these two beautiful spirits that had so much love for everyone and so much life in them and just like that, they are gone. Why is that? This is the part I can't get my arms around, because I want it to make sense in my head. It's just so unfair for two families to hurt so much and go through all the struggles and fight to have it come to this. I know we probably will never know that answer, but please give us strength and please let us learn to live the life they both lived. We are blessed to have been able to have them both in our lives and we know how lucky we were, because not too many people get to experience what we have been able to experience with Elyce and Alba.

May both of you be in peace and continue to be here next to our sides in spirit. May we learn to love as you both loved. We send prayers to Alba's family and hope we will be with them soon next year to support each other during the worse nightmare of our lives!

Holidays

Hello my baby girl. I'm missing you so much lately, probably because I haven't felt you too much this week. Are you with Alba helping her get through this horrible leukemia? I'm sure you are there holding her hand telling her, "Come on Alba...you can do it!". She needs your strength and we are praying that she stays here longer, although I know you will be happy if she was there with you, but she is still young and has a lot of life to live, like you did. Although, God has his plan and we have no control over what has already been chosen for us, but it would be so unfair if you both go at such a young age. Keep cheering her on....she is getting tired of fighting, but you of all people can cheer her on to keep fighting, just like you did to the very end.

It's funny and irritating how many people who have never came close to losing someone, can sit there and tell you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. Your aunt had dinner and invited us. I told her I couldn't go celebrate the holidays, because there isn't anything to celebrate for, but your daddy and the kids will be there. Your aunt said it was just dinner, but then the kids came home with all these gifts. Doesn't she or others know that it would have hurt me if I did decide to go and see the kids open up the gifts? These are all constant reminders of not having you here and it hurts a lot! I'm not saying kids shouldn't have gifts, but it's the surprises that get to me, besides it's only December 3rd and kids are unwrapping gifts this early. I would have expected the gifts at a later time, but not yesterday. As soon as I seen daddy bringing them in I lost it. Others who weren't close to you or have had the pleasure of having the beautiful bond that I did with you, can move on. I can't. Some people focus on how the kids need to have these things or they need me, but to tell you the truth, the kids are resilient and they manage better than we do. It's not that I don't want them to have gifts or celebrate, I just want to be prepared for it and have no surprises. If I know about it ahead of time, I can then decide for myself what works for me. People should know that if daddy and I are not ok, the kids will not be ok. The focus should be on daddy and me, not about what the kids want or need.

Thanksgiving went ok. Kids had fun at your aunt's house with all the cousins. Stephanie continues having problems with lose. I get it, but we are trying to teach her the difference of not seeing you and not seeing her sisters or cousins. I think sometimes she thinks when she says goodbye and has to leave from her siblings or cousins house, she won't see them again. I asked her, can you call your cousins? She says, yes. I ask her, can you call Elyce? She says, no. Then I remind her anytime she feels the need to talk to her cousins or siblings, all we have to do is pick up the phone and call them. She doesn't have to miss them and cry every time. I told her I can see why you would cry missing Elyce, but the others are still here and you can talk or see them anytime. I know they both have gone through losing their bio-parents and now their sister, so I get it.

On Thanksgiving, were you present at your aunt and cousins house? They made you a place mat and you were setup to sit in between Maricel and Stephanie. Did you see Maricel had on your black dress? This is the very first item I have given away, but that dress called out her name for some reason and she loved it.

Mommy hopes to get through the holidays in one piece. Please be there with me and hold my hand while I go through the motion in the first holidays without you. I know it's going to hurt and there will be lots of crying, but help me get through them without any major issues with the family.

Love you always and forever!

Giving Thanks? To What?

As the holidays are approaching, I'm finding myself getting anxious. Holiday's have always been a big deal for Elyce. She absolutely loved both and loved having her friends over to celebrate. At that point in our lives, we had a lot of reasons to celebrate, but today is a different story.

Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for the kids are set. All these plans were set early October, so I didn't have to think about them anymore. On Thanksgiving, I'm dropping off the kids at my sisters house and the whole family will be there to celebrate. Kids are looking forward to it and I gave them an option to go there or go with me to a hotel room and wait for Daddy to get off work so we can have dinner. Shane and I are looking at this day as another regular day, except we will be in a hotel room. For Christmas, the kids will be super excited that they are spending it with their siblings. I knew I wouldn't be able to go shopping for anyone this year or step foot in many of the stores Elyce used to love, but luckily I always have tons of gifts that I've bought some time back and keep in a box just in case I forget a birthday, holidays, etc. Early in October I gathered all the gifts and the kids stockings and filled them up. I had just gone to Costco and seen pj's, so pick some up so they have their annual pj gift. The kids know we aren't celebrating either holiday and I told them I will write Santa a note to let him know where the kids will be on Christmas. This is the best I can do this year and I think even with this, the kids are lucky to have options. Some children out there do not have options and we are all fortunate that we do.

When I think of Thanksgiving, I normally would think of giving thanks. But this year, what am I thankful for? I mean I lost the most important person in my life, so how can I possibly be thankful for anything. Everything else is so unimportant. I know it sounds rude and harsh, but that's the reality. My goal during these trying times has been to try to stay positive and try to stay active to keep myself from getting depressed. So with that being said, I'm going to try to come up with some things that I am thankful for today.

1. I am extremely thankful for having had Elyce in my life. I am so fortunate to have been chosen to be her Mother and to have had the unconditional love most people wish they would have with their kids. Our love for each other is the ultimate love and I always appreciated it and was always grateful!

2. I am grateful for having memories of Elyce. I wish I can somehow scan my brain and put all those memories into my computer where I can create videos of what I see in my head. But for now, I am thankful that I have many good positive memories that I will treasure for life.

3. Pictures say a thousand words and boy do her pictures exude who she really is. I am grateful for capturing the many happy moments of her life and am lucky that her life was just that. Her pictures capture her love for life, her happiness, her sense of humor, and that mischievous look that will tell you she was up to no good.

4. I am also thankful for being able to continue to feel her spirit everyday and have her by my side. I can feel you honey and I know you are there! I do wish I can see you at times, but am grateful that I can at least feel your presence every day.

5. I am thankful for my husband. My patient husband who takes me for who I am and has been there to support me every step of the way. I am thankful for his love and patience he always had with Elyce since day 1 and the unbelievable bond they shared. Elyce loved her daddy unconditionally like her daddy loved Elyce. It was beautiful to watch them hold hands, hug, kiss, and just being silly.

6. I am grateful that Stephanie and Noe are really good kids even with all they challenges they have faced in their short lives. I'm lucky to have such a great big sister, Stephanie, to help me in whatever I need help with. She does a good job on taking the Mother role at times, even though I like for her to stay young and innocent. I'm thankful that Elyce was able to be part of their lives and instill some of the qualities she had. I already see them in the kids and it makes me smile.

7. I am thankful for having support with the kids during these hard times. We are truly fortunate to have Monica in our lives and can't thank her enough for everything she does for us.

8. I am thankful for Alba's bone marrow donor and thankful that she continues to fight for her life and is making progress everyday.

9. I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to ask how I'm doing and for listening to me when I want to talk. Even if it's emotional when I'm asked, I need friends and family to continue asking, because it shows that they care.

10. I am thankful for my friends and family who are there to help us with taking the kids for a few hours, a day, or a weekend. This is a big help and we appreciate you!

Today and most of my days, this is what I am thankful for. Some days are rough and I can't see past my grief, but some days there is a light and that light is Elyce who keeps me going, because I know she would want her Mom to keep going. :-(

Mommy loves you this big <-----------------------LOVE---------------------------->to eternity! Wish you were still here on this earth with me so we can cuddle and kiss like we used to. I miss you so so much it hurts my heart.

I feel you

Hi my beautiful girl. I can feel your presence a lot lately and I thank you for that. Yesterday when I was in the car and listening to some of the songs you loved to sing to, I can almost see you next to me singing your part and me singing my part. You would always take the boy role and tell me I was the girl, when we would sing High School musical songs. I've sang songs with you since you left, but for some reason yesterday was so vivid and it was like I can almost see your shell. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

This morning when I was starting my meditation, I felt you with me asking me what I was doing. So I told you and I put down a pillow next to mine and told you to meditate with me. What did you think of meditation? Maybe that's why I was emotional, because I felt you there. When I was concentrating on my breathing, I got a glimpse of you in the hospital bed with the breathing tubes. I got emotional, but told myself to focus on my breathing, then I can later get emotional. I'm seeing how meditation seems to be helping me feel your presence more. It's weird, but maybe because I'm getting down to the subconscious mind.

Can you fell my sadness? I'm sorry if you don't like me to be sad, but honey you are my life and I will always miss you, be sad that you aren't physically with me on this earth, and I will always love you for eternity. People say the spirit lives on and I do believe it, but curious to know how that works. I mean I know you will never be in your body, because that is ashes now, but I think of you as an energy ring made out of who knows what kind of matter. They say there are many other living things around us. Just because we can't see them, it doesn't mean they are not present. Do you imagine if we could see them? That would be a lot of chaos. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that your spirit lives on.

Your nina, Mirna, got married this weekend. I know you were there cheering her on and did you see how beautiful she looked? The girls were all thinking about you on her day and they toasted for you. I was so emotional and thought, I shouldn't be the one crying today, it should have been your nina! I know Mirna felt bad that she wasn't there for your funeral, so I think those emotions have been on her mind and when she seen me we broke down. She loves you very much, but I know you know that.

Daddy says I should take a vacation and get away, but I just realized that whenever I would get away, you were my traveling partner. Now I don't have you to join me and I get so sad. I know I need to get away by myself, but it's so lonely thinking of going alone. If I get the nerve to get away, I was thinking of going to Puerto Vallarta. I figured I have family there and I can go see them when I feel up to it, but I can be alone when I need to be.

I love you very much my baby! Stay with me, ok? I want you to be with me forever!

My Raw Feelings and Thoughts - I Hurt

****Please do not continue reading, if you find that you may be judgmental on what I'm going to write. This blog is for me to vent and to show my raw emotions, but some may feel strongly over certain things I write, but would appreciate you keep your thoughts to yourself. This isn't meant to offend *****

Right now I'm so mad at Elyce for leaving me. Today I feel angry that Elyce left and took the only joy that I have had in my life. Elyce....I know my love, that you would not have chosen this path, but nevertheless you left me behind.

I have so much anger right now. Must be my new stage in mourning. I resent Noe and Stephanie, because they are here and Elyce is not. I know it's nobody's fault. I know it's not theirs, but the reality is that I still resent them, because they shouldn't be here without Elyce.

When we considered adopting, I thought to myself who better than Shane and I. We have always been ones to volunteer, mentor, coach, and take exchange students in, just because we wanted to help. This has always been my calling and I believe Shane's as well. Never would I have imagined the difficulty in bonding and attaching to adopted kids. At the beginning of the adoption, things were hard to get used to and I was surprised on the many issues that came up, but it was ok and I started to bond with both. We only had the kids for about a year and right before we were supposed to sign adoption papers, Elyce was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My world came crashing down, because after meeting with her doctor, he said that there was a big possibility she can get another autoimmune disease. This is when I started doing my research....spending countless hours understanding the other diseases and knowing what to look for. I think this is why I quickly questioned the doctors when her iron, b12, calcium, and albumin were low after 6 months of having type 1 diabetes. Sure enough she got Celiac, but it took months to get it diagnosed.

After my world came crashing down, all I can think of is how do I get you better. In the meantime, here are the kids needing me to be there for them as any Mother would be needed. At that point it was as if they were in my way and were taking time away from me helping you. I started resenting them more and more, as you got sicker and sicker. Your Dad was always great with them, but I had such a hard time and all I have been doing was pushing them away. I mean my only flesh and blood daughter has these diseases and she needs me more than she will ever need me. I had to be there for her every second of every day. This of course made it difficult for Noe and Stephanie. Here is this distant Mother who doesn't show any emotion towards them, but is always hugging her, bathing her, playing with her, cooking special meals for her, and any other thing she needed I was there in a heartbeat. Anytime they needed something, I would send them to Shane or tell them to wait.

This is horrible for a Mother to be like this. Trust me I have guilt, but my priorities have always been ELYCE. Now that she isn't here with me, I still feel that she is my priority and I am my priority. I still feel the same way with the kids. I'm short with them. I don't make time in the areas they want me to make time for them. I feel that I always have to shift to focus on their needs and it makes me mad, because I just lost Elyce and can't they see my only flesh and blood is gone and I'm a wreck and I can't accept that she will never be here and they need me, but I can't be there for them now.

Shane is a wonderful Dad. He doesn't struggle like I do, but I think that is normal, because Elyce met him when she was 7 or 8 years old. I bonded with her the minute she was inside me. It's a different type of attachment I believe that Mothers have, versus the Fathers. For Shane he loves Noe and Stephanie and gives them love and attention. He is trying to help me and is changing his schedule so he can have better hours and be around doing these tasks with the kids. With his changed hours, he can enroll them in soccer and tennis and they can get to do some fun stuff, and also take the stress from me. I hope this can help me with the kids. It scares me thinking I will never be able to be close to them and be the Mother I know I can be. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept them without feeling the resentment. It's the reality of things and it saddens me that I'm having a hard time with them. I would have never done this if I thought I would have had so much difficulty, trust me. I know that I'm failing, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know if it's to take time for myself and only myself and come back with a fresh mind and acceptance. I've tried therapy, but don't think at this point I'm ready for more, because it goes back to them again and they say I can only be the one to make things better for them, but how could I if I'm not well?

Today these are my feelings. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I will be more positive and patient, but today I HURT.