Hello my Beautiful Elyce,
It seems like I have been missing you a whole lot lately. Last weekend I went to a yoga retreat and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was very emotional for me, but I was able to enjoy it and met some wonderful people. It seemed as though the presenters were all speaking to me all weekend, even if there were over 140 people at the retreat. We had a very inspirational speaker named Tom Kelly that really touched me, even though he made us do some crazy eye gazing :-). Talk about being uncomfortable staring into different people's eyes for what seemed like eternity, but nevertheless, I felt as if everyone can see my sorrow. 3 out of the 4 people got teary eyed and I knew they felt the pain I felt of having lost you physically. I happened to be talking to a group of ladies and told them that sometimes I'm mad at God, because he took you too young. At the end of the retreat, one of the ladies reminded me that if I'm mad at God, then in a sense I'm mad at you and I realize I would never be mad at you for leaving me or for anything. I realized at that moment that I need to get more connected with God and spiritually, so in turn I can keep you closer to me.
After the long weekend of being alone, I actually felt the way I would imagine an alcoholic feels, scared to come home and go back to the same old ways. I almost felt that I should be away from everyone until I can get it together, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do so or at least to the somewhat normal life I had before you left this earth. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't cringe when I'm around Noe and Stephanie. I cringe, because they are happy kids and healthy and it's a constant reminder that I will never hear your happy voice, or be able to hold and kiss you and hear you laugh hysterically. Yes...it's not the kids fault....I KNOW, but regardless these are the feelings that I have. This is why I started meditating and trying to become a yogi, so I can try to live in the moment, even though the moment doesn't include you. Yes....I know your spirit is here.....and people stop reminding me of that, BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!! I CAN'T HOLD YOU AND KISS YOU AND I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW. I even asked you to show up in my dreams where I am holding and kissing you, so that I can try to feel you that way.
Grieving is such an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I feel happy when I'm doing what I love to do, playing tennis, and other times I'm mad at the world, God, myself, Shane, kids, and anybody who thinks they know what I'm going through and tells me to do something as if they know it will work. It seems like the last 2 months I have been in the angry stage, but today I started thinking about how you felt going through the dying process. I started visualizing you when you couldn't breath and they had to intubate you. I wondered if you were in a lot of pain and if you were screaming inside trying to tell us something. Then I start thinking of what I could have done to save you and there are many things that I could have done better that would have saved you, if God didn't already have a plan for you. As your Mother, I knew there was something wrong and when your fever started and you fell asleep on the beach, I knew that wasn't normal. So I didn't wait long to take you home and make you some homemade soup. That night daddy knew there was something wrong with your voice, so there he went to emergency with you, but nothing showed up on the ct scan. Next day he took you to Kaiser and again nothing showed up and it looked like you were doing better, but then later that Sunday you complained about your side hurting and your voice was going raspy again and instead of taking you to emergency that night, I waited. Why did I wait? I knew there was something going on outside the norm, but I just thought I was going to ask Shane to take you there again and he had to work the next day, so I thought I had time to take you in the morning. The next morning it was obviously too late, because your organs started giving you more problems.....I knew your kidneys were a problem, because your urine was very very yellow and you were in pain.
I haven't really blamed myself or Shane for this, but I think after speaking to someone recently about you passing away, they brought up the hospital and why you even ended up getting sepsis. I mentioned to them, that the hospital wouldn't have seen it either and if I start putting blame on the hospital, I might as well put blame on me and Shane. The weekend before you got sick, we took you to Arizona and bought a picc line cover so that you can enjoy the pool. Did the pool water get into your picc line and is that how the bacteria got into your blood stream? Your picc line never got wet, but is that something we could have prevented? We also second guessed ourselves and were thinking about getting you off of the picc line before our trip, but we kept it in. I'm sure that others who lose a child or loved one, goes through this same process of blaming themselves. I'm sure they do, but after doing this to myself today, I realized it's too emotionally hard to ask myself these question and to think that I could have done something to prevent you from passing away. For my sanity, I have to believe God's plan was already written and there was nothing anyone could have done to save you. As much as I have always felt I'm in control of what happens to my life or yours, I was quickly reminded that I have no control whatsoever.
So now what? All I have to really hold onto is that I figure out how to keep your spirit close to me and living inside of me. If I could learn to love everybody the way you loved, than I will be successful. I know it's in me, because I loved and continue to love you unconditionally. But what does this all really mean at the end of the day? I really don't have any answers. All I can do is hope that you are leading me the way. I can only hope that I really know what my dharma (purpose in life) is in this lifetime.
Lychee.....Mommy misses you and loves you to eternity! I will never ever stop loving you and I hope when we meet again, you will not have forgotten me. I'm counting on that!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
New Year - 2013
My beautiful Elyce,
Mommy survived the holidays. It was very difficult and I was on edge the entire time, but I manage to get away with daddy and avoid all the hoopla. There were certain things I couldn't see or get involved with, like seeing kids opening up gifts from others or listening to any Christmas songs, even though you loved Feliz Navidad. The other was being around everyone when the clock hit midnight on New Years. I couldn't hear everyone get excited and yell, "Happy New Year", mainly because it will never be a happy new year without you. This year will have no new memories of you and nothing to really look forward to, like I have always looked forward to events or competitions you were scheduled to have. When it was time for the countdown, I just slipped away to my car and cried. Cried, because I felt so lonely and cried, because you won't be here this year. The good thing, if there is such a thing, is that I survived it and was glad once the holidays were all done.
We are planning Alba's memorial service for this weekend. Even though it's tough to do another memorial service, I think it is nice for her friends to have some closure (if that's the proper word to use here). Daddy is making the video, and it's taking him some time, because it's so emotional. I know daddy will do a great job and it will come out as great as yours did. My plan is to setup a video camera for her friends to send a message to Alba's mom or tell her parents about a story about Alba that will bring some happiness to them. As a grieving Mother, I know how important those things are. I wished your friends did that for me, but I know they can't, because they are limited in what they can do. I did have a few send me letters that I will keep with me forever. The other thing we are planning on doing, is videotaping the entire memorial, so that her parents can have that memory, since they won't be here. Look out for the balloons we are going to release....they will have notes on them, so make sure you guys catch all of them.
Lately I've been having many dreams with you in them. They make me so happy. One was you dressed in your pj onesies and your boots. You were about 7 years old and it made me smile and happy, because I remembered how much you would like to wear your boots, regardless of the weather. One of the many nicknames Shane gave you was, "boots", because you loved to wear them all the time. In another dream, I remember seeing you and being surprised that you were there. We were at a party and I remember grabbing your hand softly, because I knew you were fragile, and I pulled you out to the dance floor. You were dancing with me, then you got distracted, because one of the kids grabbed a jar of yours that had stuff in it, and you got mad and gave them that look you always give when you are mad. I continue having other dreams that I do not remember too well, but I wake up knowing you were in my dream and get happy. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. I really enjoy it and I hope to continue seeing you there. Daddy finally had a dream of you too and I know he was so excited, so keep showing up in his dreams. He will be very happy.
Mommy has been a wreck lately. It seems like I can cry so easily these days and the tears just flow. I feel so lost again....not knowing if I'm coming or going. My health is getting worse and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm going to the Chopra center for a 4 day yoga retreat and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also trying to eat better and start on an ayurvedic diet.
There are days I just want to run away, but then I think if I leave, I'm leaving you behind. This house is so you and your room is still intact. I even bought some items to put up on your wall and hung the beautiful pink heart on your door. Did you like it? Your favorite color. So when I think about leaving (don't know where I would go) I can't get myself to leave, even thinking about going to Puerto Vallarta and getting away, makes me sad. I have never been alone. When I was divorced, I had you with me. We have always been connected at the hip and you were my side kick. So now when I think about leaving, I just get sad and feel so lonely, because you won't be there with me physically. When you left this world, I left with you. There doesn't seem to be anything here left for me, because I died when you did. There has to be a purpose why I'm here and you are not. There has to be something I must do before I leave this world, but what is it? What's my dharma? I thought I always knew what my dharma was, but maybe it's not what I think it has always been. I felt my dharma has been to help others with similar disabilities, or help other that don't have the knowledge or resources I may have, or mentor children, or be there for my family and friends and provide them with strength. Maybe it's helping my adoptive kids, but right now it's hard to wrap my arms around that, because I'm so bitter that you are not here. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get angry hearing young kids laughing and having a good time. I just want to run away, because it's just another reminder of what you are not able to do. Well I guess if I can survive this, maybe I can survive anything. Only the future knows what's in store for me and what my dharma will be.
I love you and miss you every second of every day. I hope you are happy in heaven with your twin. I'm sure you and Alba are hanging out giggling like crazy....like that giggle where I had to tell you to run to the restroom so you didn't go in your pants. That's how hard you would laugh and just hearing you laugh like that, would make me start laughing. That was pure joy to me. Until next time my baby girl....I'll see you in my dreams.
I love you this big (((((((((((((((( hugs kisses )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity.
Mommy survived the holidays. It was very difficult and I was on edge the entire time, but I manage to get away with daddy and avoid all the hoopla. There were certain things I couldn't see or get involved with, like seeing kids opening up gifts from others or listening to any Christmas songs, even though you loved Feliz Navidad. The other was being around everyone when the clock hit midnight on New Years. I couldn't hear everyone get excited and yell, "Happy New Year", mainly because it will never be a happy new year without you. This year will have no new memories of you and nothing to really look forward to, like I have always looked forward to events or competitions you were scheduled to have. When it was time for the countdown, I just slipped away to my car and cried. Cried, because I felt so lonely and cried, because you won't be here this year. The good thing, if there is such a thing, is that I survived it and was glad once the holidays were all done.
We are planning Alba's memorial service for this weekend. Even though it's tough to do another memorial service, I think it is nice for her friends to have some closure (if that's the proper word to use here). Daddy is making the video, and it's taking him some time, because it's so emotional. I know daddy will do a great job and it will come out as great as yours did. My plan is to setup a video camera for her friends to send a message to Alba's mom or tell her parents about a story about Alba that will bring some happiness to them. As a grieving Mother, I know how important those things are. I wished your friends did that for me, but I know they can't, because they are limited in what they can do. I did have a few send me letters that I will keep with me forever. The other thing we are planning on doing, is videotaping the entire memorial, so that her parents can have that memory, since they won't be here. Look out for the balloons we are going to release....they will have notes on them, so make sure you guys catch all of them.
Lately I've been having many dreams with you in them. They make me so happy. One was you dressed in your pj onesies and your boots. You were about 7 years old and it made me smile and happy, because I remembered how much you would like to wear your boots, regardless of the weather. One of the many nicknames Shane gave you was, "boots", because you loved to wear them all the time. In another dream, I remember seeing you and being surprised that you were there. We were at a party and I remember grabbing your hand softly, because I knew you were fragile, and I pulled you out to the dance floor. You were dancing with me, then you got distracted, because one of the kids grabbed a jar of yours that had stuff in it, and you got mad and gave them that look you always give when you are mad. I continue having other dreams that I do not remember too well, but I wake up knowing you were in my dream and get happy. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. I really enjoy it and I hope to continue seeing you there. Daddy finally had a dream of you too and I know he was so excited, so keep showing up in his dreams. He will be very happy.
Mommy has been a wreck lately. It seems like I can cry so easily these days and the tears just flow. I feel so lost again....not knowing if I'm coming or going. My health is getting worse and I'm doing the best that I can. I'm going to the Chopra center for a 4 day yoga retreat and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also trying to eat better and start on an ayurvedic diet.
There are days I just want to run away, but then I think if I leave, I'm leaving you behind. This house is so you and your room is still intact. I even bought some items to put up on your wall and hung the beautiful pink heart on your door. Did you like it? Your favorite color. So when I think about leaving (don't know where I would go) I can't get myself to leave, even thinking about going to Puerto Vallarta and getting away, makes me sad. I have never been alone. When I was divorced, I had you with me. We have always been connected at the hip and you were my side kick. So now when I think about leaving, I just get sad and feel so lonely, because you won't be there with me physically. When you left this world, I left with you. There doesn't seem to be anything here left for me, because I died when you did. There has to be a purpose why I'm here and you are not. There has to be something I must do before I leave this world, but what is it? What's my dharma? I thought I always knew what my dharma was, but maybe it's not what I think it has always been. I felt my dharma has been to help others with similar disabilities, or help other that don't have the knowledge or resources I may have, or mentor children, or be there for my family and friends and provide them with strength. Maybe it's helping my adoptive kids, but right now it's hard to wrap my arms around that, because I'm so bitter that you are not here. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get angry hearing young kids laughing and having a good time. I just want to run away, because it's just another reminder of what you are not able to do. Well I guess if I can survive this, maybe I can survive anything. Only the future knows what's in store for me and what my dharma will be.
I love you and miss you every second of every day. I hope you are happy in heaven with your twin. I'm sure you and Alba are hanging out giggling like crazy....like that giggle where I had to tell you to run to the restroom so you didn't go in your pants. That's how hard you would laugh and just hearing you laugh like that, would make me start laughing. That was pure joy to me. Until next time my baby girl....I'll see you in my dreams.
I love you this big (((((((((((((((( hugs kisses )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Xmas and New Year's
Hi my love.....so glad Christmas is over and for the most part I was able to treat it like any other day, except when people wished us Merry Christmas, which I would not respond or make eye contact in hope to avoid it. On Christmas eve, Daddy and I went to the movies and came back to get dressed for dinner. We went downstairs for happy hour and appetizers and last minute decided to change our dinner plans and go to Osetra. It was a great restaurant and immediately after we sat down, there were some ladies next to us from London and Daddy was wondering how the lobster ravioli taste. I asked the lady after making eye contact how the ravioli was and we didn't stop talking from there. They were both from London, but one lady originally from Ireland and they were the funniest ladies ever. They kept us entertained for at least 2 hours, which was great. We needed that. On Christmas day we got up and walked to breakfast then hit the gym in the hotel. When we returned from the gym, I jumped in the shower and for some reason I started writing on the steamed up glass --- Elyce + Mommy and I lost it then. I was quiet so daddy wouldn't hear me, but then he noticed and wanted to talk about it, but I said I couldn't. It took a lot for me to finish getting ready and go to Balboa park as planned. I really just wanted to get in my car and drive home so I can lay in bed and cry all day and night, but I somehow found the strength to keep going. We had dinner at Prado restaurant and it was excellent, so was glad we were able to enjoy it. I figured I have time on the drive back home to let it all out, which I did. Daddy and I had separate cars and it hit daddy the same, but he was a mess when we got home and wasn't able to sleep much.
I don't know why, but when daddy went to get the kids yesterday, I was already dreading seeing them bring in all the gifts, so I asked daddy to keep them outside in garage for now. I still wanted to stay in my pretend nothing happened week, because it's too painful to think of you not being here to celebrate the holidays. But even with the pretending part, I'm having such a hard time being patient and understanding with the kids. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't handle being with them especially alone. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the constant reminder that they are here and you are not and I get so angry because of that! It's just not fair and I'm pissed off as hell that my adopted kids are here without you and there is nothing nothing I can do about it. Nobody will ever understand this, but they will feel like they can advise or judge me, but they can't. Unless you go through similar situation, then you can't judge!
For New Years eve, uncle Meno and aunt Susi will be here. I'm looking forward in spending time with them, but the closer we get to that day, the more nervous I'm getting. Today, I'm thinking I will step out of the house when the clock hits 12, because I don't want to think of 2013 as a Happy New Year. Why you ask? Because in 2013 there will be no new memories of you and you will not be physically with me in 2013. So what's so fricken "happy" about that? Nothing.....plus every year since 2009 I hoped for a better year and look what it got me. Yes...I'm still in the pissed off stage and I'm not liking this stage too much, because I never know how I'm going to react to a situation and I know it's not fair to others, but I'm trying to survive and if people get offended then I guess they are not people I want in my life.
Yesterday I received a beautiful knitted blanket and 2 books from my old friend Odilia. I'm sure you remember her and she really remembers you and the bond you and I have always had. Odilia gets it...she is one of the few people that can step in my shoes and imagine how I would feel and she hasn't lost a child, but she gets it. The blanket will be used plenty and I will remember what Odilia said the blanket was for, to give me lots of huge hugs. I'm grateful...I really am!
Hope you and Alba are flying high loving each other and being our guardian angels. I'm sure you are helping us get up in the morning and get going. Alba's family need the same and I'm sure Alba is doing the same with them, giving them strength. Next year my only goal is to talk to the medium again. This time I want to reach out to Alba and confirm you and her are together like I think you are.
Mommy misses you every second of every day and I pray that you continue being by my side each and every day I am here on this earth to keep me going.
I love you this big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity!
I don't know why, but when daddy went to get the kids yesterday, I was already dreading seeing them bring in all the gifts, so I asked daddy to keep them outside in garage for now. I still wanted to stay in my pretend nothing happened week, because it's too painful to think of you not being here to celebrate the holidays. But even with the pretending part, I'm having such a hard time being patient and understanding with the kids. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't handle being with them especially alone. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the constant reminder that they are here and you are not and I get so angry because of that! It's just not fair and I'm pissed off as hell that my adopted kids are here without you and there is nothing nothing I can do about it. Nobody will ever understand this, but they will feel like they can advise or judge me, but they can't. Unless you go through similar situation, then you can't judge!
For New Years eve, uncle Meno and aunt Susi will be here. I'm looking forward in spending time with them, but the closer we get to that day, the more nervous I'm getting. Today, I'm thinking I will step out of the house when the clock hits 12, because I don't want to think of 2013 as a Happy New Year. Why you ask? Because in 2013 there will be no new memories of you and you will not be physically with me in 2013. So what's so fricken "happy" about that? Nothing.....plus every year since 2009 I hoped for a better year and look what it got me. Yes...I'm still in the pissed off stage and I'm not liking this stage too much, because I never know how I'm going to react to a situation and I know it's not fair to others, but I'm trying to survive and if people get offended then I guess they are not people I want in my life.
Yesterday I received a beautiful knitted blanket and 2 books from my old friend Odilia. I'm sure you remember her and she really remembers you and the bond you and I have always had. Odilia gets it...she is one of the few people that can step in my shoes and imagine how I would feel and she hasn't lost a child, but she gets it. The blanket will be used plenty and I will remember what Odilia said the blanket was for, to give me lots of huge hugs. I'm grateful...I really am!
Hope you and Alba are flying high loving each other and being our guardian angels. I'm sure you are helping us get up in the morning and get going. Alba's family need the same and I'm sure Alba is doing the same with them, giving them strength. Next year my only goal is to talk to the medium again. This time I want to reach out to Alba and confirm you and her are together like I think you are.
Mommy misses you every second of every day and I pray that you continue being by my side each and every day I am here on this earth to keep me going.
I love you this big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Today marks 5 Months
For 21 years I had my sidekick Elyce with me 24/7. For 21 years, I've bought presents and surprised her with the things she would cut out and paste for Santa. This year it's the very first year and not the last year that I won't be able to surprise her with gifts. Even if I did buy them and give to charity, it's not the same. It will never be the same. I used to absolutely love Christmas. I looked forward to it and loved seeing the excitement in Elyce's face and later the kids face. Even though Christmas has been so commercialized, the part I liked the most was the baking, cooking, festivities and planning. That was always more important than what gifts I received. Now I don't feel like baking and cooking or celebrating the season without my Elyce. For those that tell me, "she would want me to celebrate and be happy", you are right, but I can't. Sometimes it feels as though being happy and forgetting about the loss is forgetting her. Shane purchased more gifts for the kids, as if they didn't have enough, but felt he wanted to buy them something off their Santa list. To me it was just wrong. It was wrong, because they don't need anymore toys. It was wrong, because buying for them and not Elyce is wrong. It was wrong, because I feel that he can easily do these things without feeling the way I feel.
I'm going through my days lately numb keeping busy trying to speed up the time to next year. Every year since 2009 I said, "oh I can't wait for the new year, fresh start". I had so much hope that it was going to be a better year. I never asked it to be better in the materialistic sense....I asked better for Elyce's health....in that we would be better able to help her and get her back to normal. But that wasn't God's plan. Every year was worse. Now this new year to me will be different, because I will not be hoping for anything. For what I want isn't possible and thinking back on the last 3 years I ask myself, "how bad can it get now after losing Elyce"? I mean granted.....it can be my time to go, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? I mean I would get to be with Elyce and live in the life of no pain and just love.
This year I only have 1 greeting card up on my counter, that was sent by my brother and sister in-law and all the others I tossed (not the beautiful family pictures ones). People may think why? Well it really pisses me off to receive a generic happy holiday card. I mean really???? wishing us Merry Xmas and then just signing your name without any personal note? Sorry if I offend, but I myself am offended from the lack of caring in taking the time and writing a personal note stating how you know it will be a difficult holiday without our beloved Elyce. There's no "merry" or "happy" in my life during this time. I'm not living the life with happiness. I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful only biological daughter and to top it off now mourning the loss of our beautiful exchange student, Alba. So for anyone out there who sends out cards to people who have recently had a loss, please think of those that may not be as fortunate as you and write a personal note so they know you get it and care. Be thankful you are not living in their shoes and have your loved one safe at home.
Miss you every day Elyce. Continue to shine bright like a diamond my Angel! Hope you like the Charlie Brown tree we bought for you....I know you have always wanted one and I'm sorry for not getting one for you in the past. For now on, you will get your Charlie Brown tree every year. Love you to eternity!
I'm going through my days lately numb keeping busy trying to speed up the time to next year. Every year since 2009 I said, "oh I can't wait for the new year, fresh start". I had so much hope that it was going to be a better year. I never asked it to be better in the materialistic sense....I asked better for Elyce's health....in that we would be better able to help her and get her back to normal. But that wasn't God's plan. Every year was worse. Now this new year to me will be different, because I will not be hoping for anything. For what I want isn't possible and thinking back on the last 3 years I ask myself, "how bad can it get now after losing Elyce"? I mean granted.....it can be my time to go, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? I mean I would get to be with Elyce and live in the life of no pain and just love.
This year I only have 1 greeting card up on my counter, that was sent by my brother and sister in-law and all the others I tossed (not the beautiful family pictures ones). People may think why? Well it really pisses me off to receive a generic happy holiday card. I mean really???? wishing us Merry Xmas and then just signing your name without any personal note? Sorry if I offend, but I myself am offended from the lack of caring in taking the time and writing a personal note stating how you know it will be a difficult holiday without our beloved Elyce. There's no "merry" or "happy" in my life during this time. I'm not living the life with happiness. I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful only biological daughter and to top it off now mourning the loss of our beautiful exchange student, Alba. So for anyone out there who sends out cards to people who have recently had a loss, please think of those that may not be as fortunate as you and write a personal note so they know you get it and care. Be thankful you are not living in their shoes and have your loved one safe at home.
Miss you every day Elyce. Continue to shine bright like a diamond my Angel! Hope you like the Charlie Brown tree we bought for you....I know you have always wanted one and I'm sorry for not getting one for you in the past. For now on, you will get your Charlie Brown tree every year. Love you to eternity!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Twins and Now Angels
My beautiful Elyce...I've been missing you lately, but I know you were by Alba's side as she went over to the other side to join you. Fate brought you two together and now you are both once again united in heaven where there is no pain, just happiness and an abundance amount of love. Heaven sounds like it's such a beautiful place to be and when it's my time, I can't wait to join both of you.
I knew this time was coming, but I was trying to hold on to faith, but my intuition and my dreams were telling me otherwise. I so hoped the medium was right and that Alba was going to get through this. I guess this is one area where she was wrong. My first dream this week was of you both holding hands and flying so peacefully with smiles on your faces. The last dream I had was 2 days ago and in that dream Alba was here visiting us, but this time she wasn't smiling. We were shopping together and there was a boy who was her brother, but older than what he is. He told me she was done fighting and was ready to go. Then in that same dream we were driving by Chaparral H.S. and a person comes out with a smile and sees her and says, "oh your better now!". She looks at me with a sad look and drives away from him. The man knew with her actions that she wasn't better, but here to say goodbye. Then the final sign was the candle I lit for each one of you. Her candle was always weaker than your candle and 2 days ago the candle went out on its own. I told Shane that I wanted to hold on to "Hope and Faith", but that I knew she wasn't going to get passed this.
It's so surreal how things were played out in yours and Alba's life. Alba was our 7th exchange student, but day one we knew how special she was. She clicked right away and fit in to our family as if she belonged here. Shane and I knew she was special and the love she had for you and you for her was a beautiful -- unconditional love you do not see often. Alba never had a sister and you were the sister she always wanted. Seeing your beautiful spirits together made me smile so much, because I never knew someone can love you as much as I loved you, but Alba did. Alba didn't care if you passed gas and stunk up the room. Alba didn't care that you had Downs syndrome. She knew you were special, as we knew she was too. These two beautiful Angels that we loved so much and will continue to love.
The loss that her parents feel right now I can fully understand. Alba and her family have such a beautiful love for one another and it was so nice to get to experience that when they were here with us. Our lives crossed paths, because we were meant to be there for one another. The fact that Alba was diagnosed with Leukemia in March and everyone thinking she may pass away and then Elyce passing away in July out of the blue just didn't make sense then. But maybe Elyce showed Alba to fight and to be strong, because everything she had to endure with Leukemia was going to be tough. Then Elyce going before Alba....maybe it was so Elyce can greet her when Alba crossed to the other side.
But what's the message here? I mean these two beautiful spirits that had so much love for everyone and so much life in them and just like that, they are gone. Why is that? This is the part I can't get my arms around, because I want it to make sense in my head. It's just so unfair for two families to hurt so much and go through all the struggles and fight to have it come to this. I know we probably will never know that answer, but please give us strength and please let us learn to live the life they both lived. We are blessed to have been able to have them both in our lives and we know how lucky we were, because not too many people get to experience what we have been able to experience with Elyce and Alba.
May both of you be in peace and continue to be here next to our sides in spirit. May we learn to love as you both loved. We send prayers to Alba's family and hope we will be with them soon next year to support each other during the worse nightmare of our lives!
I knew this time was coming, but I was trying to hold on to faith, but my intuition and my dreams were telling me otherwise. I so hoped the medium was right and that Alba was going to get through this. I guess this is one area where she was wrong. My first dream this week was of you both holding hands and flying so peacefully with smiles on your faces. The last dream I had was 2 days ago and in that dream Alba was here visiting us, but this time she wasn't smiling. We were shopping together and there was a boy who was her brother, but older than what he is. He told me she was done fighting and was ready to go. Then in that same dream we were driving by Chaparral H.S. and a person comes out with a smile and sees her and says, "oh your better now!". She looks at me with a sad look and drives away from him. The man knew with her actions that she wasn't better, but here to say goodbye. Then the final sign was the candle I lit for each one of you. Her candle was always weaker than your candle and 2 days ago the candle went out on its own. I told Shane that I wanted to hold on to "Hope and Faith", but that I knew she wasn't going to get passed this.
It's so surreal how things were played out in yours and Alba's life. Alba was our 7th exchange student, but day one we knew how special she was. She clicked right away and fit in to our family as if she belonged here. Shane and I knew she was special and the love she had for you and you for her was a beautiful -- unconditional love you do not see often. Alba never had a sister and you were the sister she always wanted. Seeing your beautiful spirits together made me smile so much, because I never knew someone can love you as much as I loved you, but Alba did. Alba didn't care if you passed gas and stunk up the room. Alba didn't care that you had Downs syndrome. She knew you were special, as we knew she was too. These two beautiful Angels that we loved so much and will continue to love.
The loss that her parents feel right now I can fully understand. Alba and her family have such a beautiful love for one another and it was so nice to get to experience that when they were here with us. Our lives crossed paths, because we were meant to be there for one another. The fact that Alba was diagnosed with Leukemia in March and everyone thinking she may pass away and then Elyce passing away in July out of the blue just didn't make sense then. But maybe Elyce showed Alba to fight and to be strong, because everything she had to endure with Leukemia was going to be tough. Then Elyce going before Alba....maybe it was so Elyce can greet her when Alba crossed to the other side.
But what's the message here? I mean these two beautiful spirits that had so much love for everyone and so much life in them and just like that, they are gone. Why is that? This is the part I can't get my arms around, because I want it to make sense in my head. It's just so unfair for two families to hurt so much and go through all the struggles and fight to have it come to this. I know we probably will never know that answer, but please give us strength and please let us learn to live the life they both lived. We are blessed to have been able to have them both in our lives and we know how lucky we were, because not too many people get to experience what we have been able to experience with Elyce and Alba.
May both of you be in peace and continue to be here next to our sides in spirit. May we learn to love as you both loved. We send prayers to Alba's family and hope we will be with them soon next year to support each other during the worse nightmare of our lives!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Holidays
Hello my baby girl. I'm missing you so much lately, probably because I haven't felt you too much this week. Are you with Alba helping her get through this horrible leukemia? I'm sure you are there holding her hand telling her, "Come on Alba...you can do it!". She needs your strength and we are praying that she stays here longer, although I know you will be happy if she was there with you, but she is still young and has a lot of life to live, like you did. Although, God has his plan and we have no control over what has already been chosen for us, but it would be so unfair if you both go at such a young age. Keep cheering her on....she is getting tired of fighting, but you of all people can cheer her on to keep fighting, just like you did to the very end.
It's funny and irritating how many people who have never came close to losing someone, can sit there and tell you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. Your aunt had dinner and invited us. I told her I couldn't go celebrate the holidays, because there isn't anything to celebrate for, but your daddy and the kids will be there. Your aunt said it was just dinner, but then the kids came home with all these gifts. Doesn't she or others know that it would have hurt me if I did decide to go and see the kids open up the gifts? These are all constant reminders of not having you here and it hurts a lot! I'm not saying kids shouldn't have gifts, but it's the surprises that get to me, besides it's only December 3rd and kids are unwrapping gifts this early. I would have expected the gifts at a later time, but not yesterday. As soon as I seen daddy bringing them in I lost it. Others who weren't close to you or have had the pleasure of having the beautiful bond that I did with you, can move on. I can't. Some people focus on how the kids need to have these things or they need me, but to tell you the truth, the kids are resilient and they manage better than we do. It's not that I don't want them to have gifts or celebrate, I just want to be prepared for it and have no surprises. If I know about it ahead of time, I can then decide for myself what works for me. People should know that if daddy and I are not ok, the kids will not be ok. The focus should be on daddy and me, not about what the kids want or need.
Thanksgiving went ok. Kids had fun at your aunt's house with all the cousins. Stephanie continues having problems with lose. I get it, but we are trying to teach her the difference of not seeing you and not seeing her sisters or cousins. I think sometimes she thinks when she says goodbye and has to leave from her siblings or cousins house, she won't see them again. I asked her, can you call your cousins? She says, yes. I ask her, can you call Elyce? She says, no. Then I remind her anytime she feels the need to talk to her cousins or siblings, all we have to do is pick up the phone and call them. She doesn't have to miss them and cry every time. I told her I can see why you would cry missing Elyce, but the others are still here and you can talk or see them anytime. I know they both have gone through losing their bio-parents and now their sister, so I get it.
On Thanksgiving, were you present at your aunt and cousins house? They made you a place mat and you were setup to sit in between Maricel and Stephanie. Did you see Maricel had on your black dress? This is the very first item I have given away, but that dress called out her name for some reason and she loved it.
Mommy hopes to get through the holidays in one piece. Please be there with me and hold my hand while I go through the motion in the first holidays without you. I know it's going to hurt and there will be lots of crying, but help me get through them without any major issues with the family.
Love you always and forever!
It's funny and irritating how many people who have never came close to losing someone, can sit there and tell you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. Your aunt had dinner and invited us. I told her I couldn't go celebrate the holidays, because there isn't anything to celebrate for, but your daddy and the kids will be there. Your aunt said it was just dinner, but then the kids came home with all these gifts. Doesn't she or others know that it would have hurt me if I did decide to go and see the kids open up the gifts? These are all constant reminders of not having you here and it hurts a lot! I'm not saying kids shouldn't have gifts, but it's the surprises that get to me, besides it's only December 3rd and kids are unwrapping gifts this early. I would have expected the gifts at a later time, but not yesterday. As soon as I seen daddy bringing them in I lost it. Others who weren't close to you or have had the pleasure of having the beautiful bond that I did with you, can move on. I can't. Some people focus on how the kids need to have these things or they need me, but to tell you the truth, the kids are resilient and they manage better than we do. It's not that I don't want them to have gifts or celebrate, I just want to be prepared for it and have no surprises. If I know about it ahead of time, I can then decide for myself what works for me. People should know that if daddy and I are not ok, the kids will not be ok. The focus should be on daddy and me, not about what the kids want or need.
Thanksgiving went ok. Kids had fun at your aunt's house with all the cousins. Stephanie continues having problems with lose. I get it, but we are trying to teach her the difference of not seeing you and not seeing her sisters or cousins. I think sometimes she thinks when she says goodbye and has to leave from her siblings or cousins house, she won't see them again. I asked her, can you call your cousins? She says, yes. I ask her, can you call Elyce? She says, no. Then I remind her anytime she feels the need to talk to her cousins or siblings, all we have to do is pick up the phone and call them. She doesn't have to miss them and cry every time. I told her I can see why you would cry missing Elyce, but the others are still here and you can talk or see them anytime. I know they both have gone through losing their bio-parents and now their sister, so I get it.
On Thanksgiving, were you present at your aunt and cousins house? They made you a place mat and you were setup to sit in between Maricel and Stephanie. Did you see Maricel had on your black dress? This is the very first item I have given away, but that dress called out her name for some reason and she loved it.
Mommy hopes to get through the holidays in one piece. Please be there with me and hold my hand while I go through the motion in the first holidays without you. I know it's going to hurt and there will be lots of crying, but help me get through them without any major issues with the family.
Love you always and forever!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Giving Thanks? To What?
As the holidays are approaching, I'm finding myself getting anxious. Holiday's have always been a big deal for Elyce. She absolutely loved both and loved having her friends over to celebrate. At that point in our lives, we had a lot of reasons to celebrate, but today is a different story.
Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for the kids are set. All these plans were set early October, so I didn't have to think about them anymore. On Thanksgiving, I'm dropping off the kids at my sisters house and the whole family will be there to celebrate. Kids are looking forward to it and I gave them an option to go there or go with me to a hotel room and wait for Daddy to get off work so we can have dinner. Shane and I are looking at this day as another regular day, except we will be in a hotel room. For Christmas, the kids will be super excited that they are spending it with their siblings. I knew I wouldn't be able to go shopping for anyone this year or step foot in many of the stores Elyce used to love, but luckily I always have tons of gifts that I've bought some time back and keep in a box just in case I forget a birthday, holidays, etc. Early in October I gathered all the gifts and the kids stockings and filled them up. I had just gone to Costco and seen pj's, so pick some up so they have their annual pj gift. The kids know we aren't celebrating either holiday and I told them I will write Santa a note to let him know where the kids will be on Christmas. This is the best I can do this year and I think even with this, the kids are lucky to have options. Some children out there do not have options and we are all fortunate that we do.
When I think of Thanksgiving, I normally would think of giving thanks. But this year, what am I thankful for? I mean I lost the most important person in my life, so how can I possibly be thankful for anything. Everything else is so unimportant. I know it sounds rude and harsh, but that's the reality. My goal during these trying times has been to try to stay positive and try to stay active to keep myself from getting depressed. So with that being said, I'm going to try to come up with some things that I am thankful for today.
1. I am extremely thankful for having had Elyce in my life. I am so fortunate to have been chosen to be her Mother and to have had the unconditional love most people wish they would have with their kids. Our love for each other is the ultimate love and I always appreciated it and was always grateful!
2. I am grateful for having memories of Elyce. I wish I can somehow scan my brain and put all those memories into my computer where I can create videos of what I see in my head. But for now, I am thankful that I have many good positive memories that I will treasure for life.
3. Pictures say a thousand words and boy do her pictures exude who she really is. I am grateful for capturing the many happy moments of her life and am lucky that her life was just that. Her pictures capture her love for life, her happiness, her sense of humor, and that mischievous look that will tell you she was up to no good.
4. I am also thankful for being able to continue to feel her spirit everyday and have her by my side. I can feel you honey and I know you are there! I do wish I can see you at times, but am grateful that I can at least feel your presence every day.
5. I am thankful for my husband. My patient husband who takes me for who I am and has been there to support me every step of the way. I am thankful for his love and patience he always had with Elyce since day 1 and the unbelievable bond they shared. Elyce loved her daddy unconditionally like her daddy loved Elyce. It was beautiful to watch them hold hands, hug, kiss, and just being silly.
6. I am grateful that Stephanie and Noe are really good kids even with all they challenges they have faced in their short lives. I'm lucky to have such a great big sister, Stephanie, to help me in whatever I need help with. She does a good job on taking the Mother role at times, even though I like for her to stay young and innocent. I'm thankful that Elyce was able to be part of their lives and instill some of the qualities she had. I already see them in the kids and it makes me smile.
7. I am thankful for having support with the kids during these hard times. We are truly fortunate to have Monica in our lives and can't thank her enough for everything she does for us.
8. I am thankful for Alba's bone marrow donor and thankful that she continues to fight for her life and is making progress everyday.
9. I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to ask how I'm doing and for listening to me when I want to talk. Even if it's emotional when I'm asked, I need friends and family to continue asking, because it shows that they care.
10. I am thankful for my friends and family who are there to help us with taking the kids for a few hours, a day, or a weekend. This is a big help and we appreciate you!
Today and most of my days, this is what I am thankful for. Some days are rough and I can't see past my grief, but some days there is a light and that light is Elyce who keeps me going, because I know she would want her Mom to keep going. :-(
Mommy loves you this big <-----------------------LOVE---------------------------->to eternity! Wish you were still here on this earth with me so we can cuddle and kiss like we used to. I miss you so so much it hurts my heart.
Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for the kids are set. All these plans were set early October, so I didn't have to think about them anymore. On Thanksgiving, I'm dropping off the kids at my sisters house and the whole family will be there to celebrate. Kids are looking forward to it and I gave them an option to go there or go with me to a hotel room and wait for Daddy to get off work so we can have dinner. Shane and I are looking at this day as another regular day, except we will be in a hotel room. For Christmas, the kids will be super excited that they are spending it with their siblings. I knew I wouldn't be able to go shopping for anyone this year or step foot in many of the stores Elyce used to love, but luckily I always have tons of gifts that I've bought some time back and keep in a box just in case I forget a birthday, holidays, etc. Early in October I gathered all the gifts and the kids stockings and filled them up. I had just gone to Costco and seen pj's, so pick some up so they have their annual pj gift. The kids know we aren't celebrating either holiday and I told them I will write Santa a note to let him know where the kids will be on Christmas. This is the best I can do this year and I think even with this, the kids are lucky to have options. Some children out there do not have options and we are all fortunate that we do.
When I think of Thanksgiving, I normally would think of giving thanks. But this year, what am I thankful for? I mean I lost the most important person in my life, so how can I possibly be thankful for anything. Everything else is so unimportant. I know it sounds rude and harsh, but that's the reality. My goal during these trying times has been to try to stay positive and try to stay active to keep myself from getting depressed. So with that being said, I'm going to try to come up with some things that I am thankful for today.
1. I am extremely thankful for having had Elyce in my life. I am so fortunate to have been chosen to be her Mother and to have had the unconditional love most people wish they would have with their kids. Our love for each other is the ultimate love and I always appreciated it and was always grateful!
2. I am grateful for having memories of Elyce. I wish I can somehow scan my brain and put all those memories into my computer where I can create videos of what I see in my head. But for now, I am thankful that I have many good positive memories that I will treasure for life.
3. Pictures say a thousand words and boy do her pictures exude who she really is. I am grateful for capturing the many happy moments of her life and am lucky that her life was just that. Her pictures capture her love for life, her happiness, her sense of humor, and that mischievous look that will tell you she was up to no good.
4. I am also thankful for being able to continue to feel her spirit everyday and have her by my side. I can feel you honey and I know you are there! I do wish I can see you at times, but am grateful that I can at least feel your presence every day.
5. I am thankful for my husband. My patient husband who takes me for who I am and has been there to support me every step of the way. I am thankful for his love and patience he always had with Elyce since day 1 and the unbelievable bond they shared. Elyce loved her daddy unconditionally like her daddy loved Elyce. It was beautiful to watch them hold hands, hug, kiss, and just being silly.
6. I am grateful that Stephanie and Noe are really good kids even with all they challenges they have faced in their short lives. I'm lucky to have such a great big sister, Stephanie, to help me in whatever I need help with. She does a good job on taking the Mother role at times, even though I like for her to stay young and innocent. I'm thankful that Elyce was able to be part of their lives and instill some of the qualities she had. I already see them in the kids and it makes me smile.
7. I am thankful for having support with the kids during these hard times. We are truly fortunate to have Monica in our lives and can't thank her enough for everything she does for us.
8. I am thankful for Alba's bone marrow donor and thankful that she continues to fight for her life and is making progress everyday.
9. I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to ask how I'm doing and for listening to me when I want to talk. Even if it's emotional when I'm asked, I need friends and family to continue asking, because it shows that they care.
10. I am thankful for my friends and family who are there to help us with taking the kids for a few hours, a day, or a weekend. This is a big help and we appreciate you!
Today and most of my days, this is what I am thankful for. Some days are rough and I can't see past my grief, but some days there is a light and that light is Elyce who keeps me going, because I know she would want her Mom to keep going. :-(
Mommy loves you this big <-----------------------LOVE---------------------------->to eternity! Wish you were still here on this earth with me so we can cuddle and kiss like we used to. I miss you so so much it hurts my heart.
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