Xmas and New Year's

Hi my love.....so glad Christmas is over and for the most part I was able to treat it like any other day, except when people wished us Merry Christmas, which I would not respond or make eye contact in hope to avoid it. On Christmas eve, Daddy and I went to the movies and came back to get dressed for dinner. We went downstairs for happy hour and appetizers and last minute decided to change our dinner plans and go to Osetra. It was a great restaurant and immediately after we sat down, there were some ladies next to us from London and Daddy was wondering how the lobster ravioli taste. I asked the lady after making eye contact how the ravioli was and we didn't stop talking from there. They were both from London, but one lady originally from Ireland and they were the funniest ladies ever. They kept us entertained for at least 2 hours, which was great. We needed that. On Christmas day we got up and walked to breakfast then hit the gym in the hotel. When we returned from the gym, I jumped in the shower and for some reason I started writing on the steamed up glass --- Elyce + Mommy and I lost it then. I was quiet so daddy wouldn't hear me, but then he noticed and wanted to talk about it, but I said I couldn't. It took a lot for me to finish getting ready and go to Balboa park as planned. I really just wanted to get in my car and drive home so I can lay in bed and cry all day and night, but I somehow found the strength to keep going. We had dinner at Prado restaurant and it was excellent, so was glad we were able to enjoy it. I figured I have time on the drive back home to let it all out, which I did. Daddy and I had separate cars and it hit daddy the same, but he was a mess when we got home and wasn't able to sleep much.

I don't know why, but when daddy went to get the kids yesterday, I was already dreading seeing them bring in all the gifts, so I asked daddy to keep them outside in garage for now. I still wanted to stay in my pretend nothing happened week, because it's too painful to think of you not being here to celebrate the holidays. But even with the pretending part, I'm having such a hard time being patient and understanding with the kids. I seriously don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't handle being with them especially alone. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the constant reminder that they are here and you are not and I get so angry because of that! It's just not fair and I'm pissed off as hell that my adopted kids are here without you and there is nothing nothing I can do about it. Nobody will ever understand this, but they will feel like they can advise or judge me, but they can't. Unless you go through similar situation, then you can't judge!

For New Years eve, uncle Meno and aunt Susi will be here. I'm looking forward in spending time with them, but the closer we get to that day, the more nervous I'm getting. Today, I'm thinking I will step out of the house when the clock hits 12, because I don't want to think of 2013 as a Happy New Year. Why you ask? Because in 2013 there will be no new memories of you and you will not be physically with me in 2013. So what's so fricken "happy" about that? Nothing.....plus every year since 2009 I hoped for a better year and look what it got me. Yes...I'm still in the pissed off stage and I'm not liking this stage too much, because I never know how I'm going to react to a situation and I know it's not fair to others, but I'm trying to survive and if people get offended then I guess they are not people I want in my life.

Yesterday I received a beautiful knitted blanket and 2 books from my old friend Odilia. I'm sure you remember her and she really remembers you and the bond you and I have always had. Odilia gets it...she is one of the few people that can step in my shoes and imagine how I would feel and she hasn't lost a child, but she gets it. The blanket will be used plenty and I will remember what Odilia said the blanket was for, to give me lots of huge hugs. I'm grateful...I really am!

Hope you and Alba are flying high loving each other and being our guardian angels. I'm sure you are helping us get up in the morning and get going. Alba's family need the same and I'm sure Alba is doing the same with them, giving them strength. Next year my only goal is to talk to the medium again. This time I want to reach out to Alba and confirm you and her are together like I think you are.

Mommy misses you every second of every day and I pray that you continue being by my side each and every day I am here on this earth to keep me going.

I love you this big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to eternity!

Today marks 5 Months

For 21 years I had my sidekick Elyce with me 24/7. For 21 years, I've bought presents and surprised her with the things she would cut out and paste for Santa. This year it's the very first year and not the last year that I won't be able to surprise her with gifts. Even if I did buy them and give to charity, it's not the same. It will never be the same. I used to absolutely love Christmas. I looked forward to it and loved seeing the excitement in Elyce's face and later the kids face. Even though Christmas has been so commercialized, the part I liked the most was the baking, cooking, festivities and planning. That was always more important than what gifts I received. Now I don't feel like baking and cooking or celebrating the season without my Elyce. For those that tell me, "she would want me to celebrate and be happy", you are right, but I can't. Sometimes it feels as though being happy and forgetting about the loss is forgetting her. Shane purchased more gifts for the kids, as if they didn't have enough, but felt he wanted to buy them something off their Santa list. To me it was just wrong. It was wrong, because they don't need anymore toys. It was wrong, because buying for them and not Elyce is wrong. It was wrong, because I feel that he can easily do these things without feeling the way I feel.

I'm going through my days lately numb keeping busy trying to speed up the time to next year. Every year since 2009 I said, "oh I can't wait for the new year, fresh start". I had so much hope that it was going to be a better year. I never asked it to be better in the materialistic sense....I asked better for Elyce's health....in that we would be better able to help her and get her back to normal. But that wasn't God's plan. Every year was worse. Now this new year to me will be different, because I will not be hoping for anything. For what I want isn't possible and thinking back on the last 3 years I ask myself, "how bad can it get now after losing Elyce"? I mean granted.....it can be my time to go, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? I mean I would get to be with Elyce and live in the life of no pain and just love.

This year I only have 1 greeting card up on my counter, that was sent by my brother and sister in-law and all the others I tossed (not the beautiful family pictures ones). People may think why? Well it really pisses me off to receive a generic happy holiday card. I mean really???? wishing us Merry Xmas and then just signing your name without any personal note? Sorry if I offend, but I myself am offended from the lack of caring in taking the time and writing a personal note stating how you know it will be a difficult holiday without our beloved Elyce. There's no "merry" or "happy" in my life during this time. I'm not living the life with happiness. I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful only biological daughter and to top it off now mourning the loss of our beautiful exchange student, Alba. So for anyone out there who sends out cards to people who have recently had a loss, please think of those that may not be as fortunate as you and write a personal note so they know you get it and care. Be thankful you are not living in their shoes and have your loved one safe at home.

Miss you every day Elyce. Continue to shine bright like a diamond my Angel! Hope you like the Charlie Brown tree we bought for you....I know you have always wanted one and I'm sorry for not getting one for you in the past. For now on, you will get your Charlie Brown tree every year. Love you to eternity!

Twins and Now Angels

My beautiful Elyce...I've been missing you lately, but I know you were by Alba's side as she went over to the other side to join you. Fate brought you two together and now you are both once again united in heaven where there is no pain, just happiness and an abundance amount of love. Heaven sounds like it's such a beautiful place to be and when it's my time, I can't wait to join both of you.

I knew this time was coming, but I was trying to hold on to faith, but my intuition and my dreams were telling me otherwise. I so hoped the medium was right and that Alba was going to get through this. I guess this is one area where she was wrong. My first dream this week was of you both holding hands and flying so peacefully with smiles on your faces. The last dream I had was 2 days ago and in that dream Alba was here visiting us, but this time she wasn't smiling. We were shopping together and there was a boy who was her brother, but older than what he is. He told me she was done fighting and was ready to go. Then in that same dream we were driving by Chaparral H.S. and a person comes out with a smile and sees her and says, "oh your better now!". She looks at me with a sad look and drives away from him. The man knew with her actions that she wasn't better, but here to say goodbye. Then the final sign was the candle I lit for each one of you. Her candle was always weaker than your candle and 2 days ago the candle went out on its own. I told Shane that I wanted to hold on to "Hope and Faith", but that I knew she wasn't going to get passed this.

It's so surreal how things were played out in yours and Alba's life. Alba was our 7th exchange student, but day one we knew how special she was. She clicked right away and fit in to our family as if she belonged here. Shane and I knew she was special and the love she had for you and you for her was a beautiful -- unconditional love you do not see often. Alba never had a sister and you were the sister she always wanted. Seeing your beautiful spirits together made me smile so much, because I never knew someone can love you as much as I loved you, but Alba did. Alba didn't care if you passed gas and stunk up the room. Alba didn't care that you had Downs syndrome. She knew you were special, as we knew she was too. These two beautiful Angels that we loved so much and will continue to love.

The loss that her parents feel right now I can fully understand. Alba and her family have such a beautiful love for one another and it was so nice to get to experience that when they were here with us. Our lives crossed paths, because we were meant to be there for one another. The fact that Alba was diagnosed with Leukemia in March and everyone thinking she may pass away and then Elyce passing away in July out of the blue just didn't make sense then. But maybe Elyce showed Alba to fight and to be strong, because everything she had to endure with Leukemia was going to be tough. Then Elyce going before Alba....maybe it was so Elyce can greet her when Alba crossed to the other side.

But what's the message here? I mean these two beautiful spirits that had so much love for everyone and so much life in them and just like that, they are gone. Why is that? This is the part I can't get my arms around, because I want it to make sense in my head. It's just so unfair for two families to hurt so much and go through all the struggles and fight to have it come to this. I know we probably will never know that answer, but please give us strength and please let us learn to live the life they both lived. We are blessed to have been able to have them both in our lives and we know how lucky we were, because not too many people get to experience what we have been able to experience with Elyce and Alba.

May both of you be in peace and continue to be here next to our sides in spirit. May we learn to love as you both loved. We send prayers to Alba's family and hope we will be with them soon next year to support each other during the worse nightmare of our lives!

Holidays

Hello my baby girl. I'm missing you so much lately, probably because I haven't felt you too much this week. Are you with Alba helping her get through this horrible leukemia? I'm sure you are there holding her hand telling her, "Come on Alba...you can do it!". She needs your strength and we are praying that she stays here longer, although I know you will be happy if she was there with you, but she is still young and has a lot of life to live, like you did. Although, God has his plan and we have no control over what has already been chosen for us, but it would be so unfair if you both go at such a young age. Keep cheering her on....she is getting tired of fighting, but you of all people can cheer her on to keep fighting, just like you did to the very end.

It's funny and irritating how many people who have never came close to losing someone, can sit there and tell you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. Your aunt had dinner and invited us. I told her I couldn't go celebrate the holidays, because there isn't anything to celebrate for, but your daddy and the kids will be there. Your aunt said it was just dinner, but then the kids came home with all these gifts. Doesn't she or others know that it would have hurt me if I did decide to go and see the kids open up the gifts? These are all constant reminders of not having you here and it hurts a lot! I'm not saying kids shouldn't have gifts, but it's the surprises that get to me, besides it's only December 3rd and kids are unwrapping gifts this early. I would have expected the gifts at a later time, but not yesterday. As soon as I seen daddy bringing them in I lost it. Others who weren't close to you or have had the pleasure of having the beautiful bond that I did with you, can move on. I can't. Some people focus on how the kids need to have these things or they need me, but to tell you the truth, the kids are resilient and they manage better than we do. It's not that I don't want them to have gifts or celebrate, I just want to be prepared for it and have no surprises. If I know about it ahead of time, I can then decide for myself what works for me. People should know that if daddy and I are not ok, the kids will not be ok. The focus should be on daddy and me, not about what the kids want or need.

Thanksgiving went ok. Kids had fun at your aunt's house with all the cousins. Stephanie continues having problems with lose. I get it, but we are trying to teach her the difference of not seeing you and not seeing her sisters or cousins. I think sometimes she thinks when she says goodbye and has to leave from her siblings or cousins house, she won't see them again. I asked her, can you call your cousins? She says, yes. I ask her, can you call Elyce? She says, no. Then I remind her anytime she feels the need to talk to her cousins or siblings, all we have to do is pick up the phone and call them. She doesn't have to miss them and cry every time. I told her I can see why you would cry missing Elyce, but the others are still here and you can talk or see them anytime. I know they both have gone through losing their bio-parents and now their sister, so I get it.

On Thanksgiving, were you present at your aunt and cousins house? They made you a place mat and you were setup to sit in between Maricel and Stephanie. Did you see Maricel had on your black dress? This is the very first item I have given away, but that dress called out her name for some reason and she loved it.

Mommy hopes to get through the holidays in one piece. Please be there with me and hold my hand while I go through the motion in the first holidays without you. I know it's going to hurt and there will be lots of crying, but help me get through them without any major issues with the family.

Love you always and forever!

Giving Thanks? To What?

As the holidays are approaching, I'm finding myself getting anxious. Holiday's have always been a big deal for Elyce. She absolutely loved both and loved having her friends over to celebrate. At that point in our lives, we had a lot of reasons to celebrate, but today is a different story.

Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for the kids are set. All these plans were set early October, so I didn't have to think about them anymore. On Thanksgiving, I'm dropping off the kids at my sisters house and the whole family will be there to celebrate. Kids are looking forward to it and I gave them an option to go there or go with me to a hotel room and wait for Daddy to get off work so we can have dinner. Shane and I are looking at this day as another regular day, except we will be in a hotel room. For Christmas, the kids will be super excited that they are spending it with their siblings. I knew I wouldn't be able to go shopping for anyone this year or step foot in many of the stores Elyce used to love, but luckily I always have tons of gifts that I've bought some time back and keep in a box just in case I forget a birthday, holidays, etc. Early in October I gathered all the gifts and the kids stockings and filled them up. I had just gone to Costco and seen pj's, so pick some up so they have their annual pj gift. The kids know we aren't celebrating either holiday and I told them I will write Santa a note to let him know where the kids will be on Christmas. This is the best I can do this year and I think even with this, the kids are lucky to have options. Some children out there do not have options and we are all fortunate that we do.

When I think of Thanksgiving, I normally would think of giving thanks. But this year, what am I thankful for? I mean I lost the most important person in my life, so how can I possibly be thankful for anything. Everything else is so unimportant. I know it sounds rude and harsh, but that's the reality. My goal during these trying times has been to try to stay positive and try to stay active to keep myself from getting depressed. So with that being said, I'm going to try to come up with some things that I am thankful for today.

1. I am extremely thankful for having had Elyce in my life. I am so fortunate to have been chosen to be her Mother and to have had the unconditional love most people wish they would have with their kids. Our love for each other is the ultimate love and I always appreciated it and was always grateful!

2. I am grateful for having memories of Elyce. I wish I can somehow scan my brain and put all those memories into my computer where I can create videos of what I see in my head. But for now, I am thankful that I have many good positive memories that I will treasure for life.

3. Pictures say a thousand words and boy do her pictures exude who she really is. I am grateful for capturing the many happy moments of her life and am lucky that her life was just that. Her pictures capture her love for life, her happiness, her sense of humor, and that mischievous look that will tell you she was up to no good.

4. I am also thankful for being able to continue to feel her spirit everyday and have her by my side. I can feel you honey and I know you are there! I do wish I can see you at times, but am grateful that I can at least feel your presence every day.

5. I am thankful for my husband. My patient husband who takes me for who I am and has been there to support me every step of the way. I am thankful for his love and patience he always had with Elyce since day 1 and the unbelievable bond they shared. Elyce loved her daddy unconditionally like her daddy loved Elyce. It was beautiful to watch them hold hands, hug, kiss, and just being silly.

6. I am grateful that Stephanie and Noe are really good kids even with all they challenges they have faced in their short lives. I'm lucky to have such a great big sister, Stephanie, to help me in whatever I need help with. She does a good job on taking the Mother role at times, even though I like for her to stay young and innocent. I'm thankful that Elyce was able to be part of their lives and instill some of the qualities she had. I already see them in the kids and it makes me smile.

7. I am thankful for having support with the kids during these hard times. We are truly fortunate to have Monica in our lives and can't thank her enough for everything she does for us.

8. I am thankful for Alba's bone marrow donor and thankful that she continues to fight for her life and is making progress everyday.

9. I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to ask how I'm doing and for listening to me when I want to talk. Even if it's emotional when I'm asked, I need friends and family to continue asking, because it shows that they care.

10. I am thankful for my friends and family who are there to help us with taking the kids for a few hours, a day, or a weekend. This is a big help and we appreciate you!

Today and most of my days, this is what I am thankful for. Some days are rough and I can't see past my grief, but some days there is a light and that light is Elyce who keeps me going, because I know she would want her Mom to keep going. :-(

Mommy loves you this big <-----------------------LOVE---------------------------->to eternity! Wish you were still here on this earth with me so we can cuddle and kiss like we used to. I miss you so so much it hurts my heart.

I feel you

Hi my beautiful girl. I can feel your presence a lot lately and I thank you for that. Yesterday when I was in the car and listening to some of the songs you loved to sing to, I can almost see you next to me singing your part and me singing my part. You would always take the boy role and tell me I was the girl, when we would sing High School musical songs. I've sang songs with you since you left, but for some reason yesterday was so vivid and it was like I can almost see your shell. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

This morning when I was starting my meditation, I felt you with me asking me what I was doing. So I told you and I put down a pillow next to mine and told you to meditate with me. What did you think of meditation? Maybe that's why I was emotional, because I felt you there. When I was concentrating on my breathing, I got a glimpse of you in the hospital bed with the breathing tubes. I got emotional, but told myself to focus on my breathing, then I can later get emotional. I'm seeing how meditation seems to be helping me feel your presence more. It's weird, but maybe because I'm getting down to the subconscious mind.

Can you fell my sadness? I'm sorry if you don't like me to be sad, but honey you are my life and I will always miss you, be sad that you aren't physically with me on this earth, and I will always love you for eternity. People say the spirit lives on and I do believe it, but curious to know how that works. I mean I know you will never be in your body, because that is ashes now, but I think of you as an energy ring made out of who knows what kind of matter. They say there are many other living things around us. Just because we can't see them, it doesn't mean they are not present. Do you imagine if we could see them? That would be a lot of chaos. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that your spirit lives on.

Your nina, Mirna, got married this weekend. I know you were there cheering her on and did you see how beautiful she looked? The girls were all thinking about you on her day and they toasted for you. I was so emotional and thought, I shouldn't be the one crying today, it should have been your nina! I know Mirna felt bad that she wasn't there for your funeral, so I think those emotions have been on her mind and when she seen me we broke down. She loves you very much, but I know you know that.

Daddy says I should take a vacation and get away, but I just realized that whenever I would get away, you were my traveling partner. Now I don't have you to join me and I get so sad. I know I need to get away by myself, but it's so lonely thinking of going alone. If I get the nerve to get away, I was thinking of going to Puerto Vallarta. I figured I have family there and I can go see them when I feel up to it, but I can be alone when I need to be.

I love you very much my baby! Stay with me, ok? I want you to be with me forever!

My Raw Feelings and Thoughts - I Hurt

****Please do not continue reading, if you find that you may be judgmental on what I'm going to write. This blog is for me to vent and to show my raw emotions, but some may feel strongly over certain things I write, but would appreciate you keep your thoughts to yourself. This isn't meant to offend *****

Right now I'm so mad at Elyce for leaving me. Today I feel angry that Elyce left and took the only joy that I have had in my life. Elyce....I know my love, that you would not have chosen this path, but nevertheless you left me behind.

I have so much anger right now. Must be my new stage in mourning. I resent Noe and Stephanie, because they are here and Elyce is not. I know it's nobody's fault. I know it's not theirs, but the reality is that I still resent them, because they shouldn't be here without Elyce.

When we considered adopting, I thought to myself who better than Shane and I. We have always been ones to volunteer, mentor, coach, and take exchange students in, just because we wanted to help. This has always been my calling and I believe Shane's as well. Never would I have imagined the difficulty in bonding and attaching to adopted kids. At the beginning of the adoption, things were hard to get used to and I was surprised on the many issues that came up, but it was ok and I started to bond with both. We only had the kids for about a year and right before we were supposed to sign adoption papers, Elyce was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My world came crashing down, because after meeting with her doctor, he said that there was a big possibility she can get another autoimmune disease. This is when I started doing my research....spending countless hours understanding the other diseases and knowing what to look for. I think this is why I quickly questioned the doctors when her iron, b12, calcium, and albumin were low after 6 months of having type 1 diabetes. Sure enough she got Celiac, but it took months to get it diagnosed.

After my world came crashing down, all I can think of is how do I get you better. In the meantime, here are the kids needing me to be there for them as any Mother would be needed. At that point it was as if they were in my way and were taking time away from me helping you. I started resenting them more and more, as you got sicker and sicker. Your Dad was always great with them, but I had such a hard time and all I have been doing was pushing them away. I mean my only flesh and blood daughter has these diseases and she needs me more than she will ever need me. I had to be there for her every second of every day. This of course made it difficult for Noe and Stephanie. Here is this distant Mother who doesn't show any emotion towards them, but is always hugging her, bathing her, playing with her, cooking special meals for her, and any other thing she needed I was there in a heartbeat. Anytime they needed something, I would send them to Shane or tell them to wait.

This is horrible for a Mother to be like this. Trust me I have guilt, but my priorities have always been ELYCE. Now that she isn't here with me, I still feel that she is my priority and I am my priority. I still feel the same way with the kids. I'm short with them. I don't make time in the areas they want me to make time for them. I feel that I always have to shift to focus on their needs and it makes me mad, because I just lost Elyce and can't they see my only flesh and blood is gone and I'm a wreck and I can't accept that she will never be here and they need me, but I can't be there for them now.

Shane is a wonderful Dad. He doesn't struggle like I do, but I think that is normal, because Elyce met him when she was 7 or 8 years old. I bonded with her the minute she was inside me. It's a different type of attachment I believe that Mothers have, versus the Fathers. For Shane he loves Noe and Stephanie and gives them love and attention. He is trying to help me and is changing his schedule so he can have better hours and be around doing these tasks with the kids. With his changed hours, he can enroll them in soccer and tennis and they can get to do some fun stuff, and also take the stress from me. I hope this can help me with the kids. It scares me thinking I will never be able to be close to them and be the Mother I know I can be. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept them without feeling the resentment. It's the reality of things and it saddens me that I'm having a hard time with them. I would have never done this if I thought I would have had so much difficulty, trust me. I know that I'm failing, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know if it's to take time for myself and only myself and come back with a fresh mind and acceptance. I've tried therapy, but don't think at this point I'm ready for more, because it goes back to them again and they say I can only be the one to make things better for them, but how could I if I'm not well?

Today these are my feelings. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I will be more positive and patient, but today I HURT.

Happy Halloween My Angel

Hi Baby Girl.....today is the first of the many holidays you enjoyed celebrating. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate, but all I have is the memories and the pictures of you in your costumes. They are never enough for me, because as many pictures I have of you, they will never make up the fact that you are gone. Damn it....it hurts so much! I just want to scream! Now I know why people who lose a child get addicted to drugs, because it hurts so much and nothing can take the pain away. I wish I can run away from it all....but the commitments keep me here and the thought that I'm leaving you behind keeps me here as well.

Noe and Stephanie dressed up for school last week, but they won't be going out to trick or treat today. I just don't have it in me, but I told them they can dress up and I would take them to their favorite place to eat and then they can pick where they want to go for dessert. I know I could have had someone take them, but I also didn't want to be alone today, because I know I will be sad and just curl up in a ball and cry all night.

I'm almost finished with your Dia de los Muertos altar. I'm adding your favorite things up there, as well as Frida's bone and a shot for Rose. I hope you will come visit tomorrow or the next day. I'll be waiting for you. Stephanie told me a few things that you will like, so I'm putting those out later tonight.

I started meditation, in hope that it will help me get through this, but in reality I think it just gives me peace of mind, but will never repair my broken heart. Daddy and I are attending an event at the Chopra center for the weekend....hopefully if we find someone to watch the kids for us. It sounds like it will be a good relaxing weekend for us. Daddy thinks I should get away for a week or two and the weird thing is that I do want to, but then I think I'm leaving you behind at home. I do know that I need something, but nothing I do will ever ever bring you back and that is all I want. There is nothing else that matters, but having you back with me. So if this isn't possible, now what? What's left to do? What's my purpose in life? What's going to make me smile like I once did?

I'm thinking of talking to the medium again....I want to feel you close again and I've been so caught up with all my emotions, that I don't feel you as strongly as I would like. I'm not scared of seeing you Elyce......Mommy is passed that, so it's ok for you to show up and talk to me.

I'm looking forward in seeing you in the next days, so I encourage you to come and see us and eat all your favorite foods you liked to eat. We will be waiting with open arms. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU MORE. I LOVE YOU THIS BIG...............

P.S. Was this you? You never liked bats, but I did find it odd that we had one in our front porch when there has never been one that we have ever seen around where we live.

3 Months today

Hello Elyce....today marks the 3rd month you have been gone. When I write this it shocks me to say that. I wonder if I will ever get used to the idea that you are gone to heaven and I won't be able to see you physically. These past weeks have been the roughest weeks for me. I can't seem to get it together and I'm of no help to anyone else in the family. Stephanie misses you a lot and I don't know what to do to help her, because I don't have the ability to help her much, because I'm so consumed with not having you here with me. Stephanie decided she was going to write on her comforter the word "love" with a heart on it. She says she wrote it, because she misses you. But she had to write on the comforter? She doesn't know how to express herself and thinks that's the best way, when in fact she has a journal next to her bed that she is supposed to write in. These are the things I have no patience for. Yes...she is hurting, but so am I! What sense does that make to write on a comforter when you have a journal.

Your dad and I aren't doing to good right now. I can't seem to really talk to him lately. It feels so lonely right now. I just want to run away....don't know where, but just run away. I just hope these feelings change soon, because I don't like this feeling. The good thing is that I still get up out of bed, even though sometimes like today, I want to just lay there and lose myself. Some say as long as I get up, am walking, I'm surviving. But I don't want to live just surviving....I want to have that love I had with you.....but I don't.

Let's hope by the next blog things are looking up. Until then....I miss you and I love you this ------------------------ LOVE ------------------------------- BIG!

Why?

Why is it so hard to go into your room my girl? I still see you sitting at your desk coloring and drawing while singing along to a movie you would be watching. All I wanted to go in there to do is to sweep your bathroom so it's all nice and clean like I used to do every Friday. But the realization you aren't coming home after school just makes me lose it! Why did it have to happen this way? I swear life is not fair! Why do they take the most precious people in our lives away from us, when there is still so much life in them? I just don't get it. I'm so so angry! Sometimes I feel I'm losing it.....I have moments out on the tennis courts that I feel happy, but it's kind of an outer body experience happy and then I come home and something like seeing your bathrobe hanging on the back of the door makes me completely lose it out of control. I'm so sad and I miss you more each day that passes. Lately I just want to run away, but my obligations stop me. I know people say and I do believe it, that you would NOT want me to be sad, but honey you are my life. How could I just go on without you? I know you want me to be happy, but you were my happy. I love you and miss you so much and it's killing me!

Dear Elyce

Elyce,

Mommy misses you SO much. Sunday's are tough days for me. When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I expect to see you coming into our room and putting your face into mine and saying, "come on Mom get up.....it's time for breakfast" as your are kissing me non-stop. Then you say, "Mom....mommy, ma, mommy, mom, ma...get up now....time to get up". But as I lay there and wait for you, you never come.

Dalise and I won our tennis match for you yesterday. Did you see us playing? I had your pink chair out so you can cheer us on. Some of the other teams tennis player remembered you. They thought you were my sister! LOL!

You haven't showed up in mine or daddy's dreams, but you sure have showed up in others dream. Your aunt Lola said she had a dream of you playing with her and laughing up a storm and being so happy. You remember how much Lola loved you, don't you. She did.... just like everyone else. You sent my friend Jeannie a message for me through a dream and she was so honored. She was right....you got your wings and are now flying. When I think of you flying, I can't stop hearing you sing the song, I believe I can Fly. That was one of your favorite songs and thank goodness I have you recorded singing that song. You also showed up in Elizabeth's dream and in everyone of those dreams you were happy. I wouldn't expect anything less than that. That was you.....a happy carefree loving beautiful girl that everyone loved.

This new world that I'm living in is not fun without you. I don't like it here without you. You were my LIFE! You have always been by my side and I can only hope that you will still be there. I look back at pictures and video's when it was just you and me. There are pictures of you and I sitting in front of the TV with our table trays eating our dinner together. There is video of you and I slow dancing like we used to do all the time. Do you remember? I would get down on my knees and slow dance with you. You were always my dancer and my partner in everything we did and I miss that so much! I never knew it would be possible to love someone as much as I love you and I'm grateful for that, but at the same time I'm sad, because I will never love someone as much as I loved you. It's just impossible!

I started going to a support group, but it may be too early. The one common thing that everyone seems to say is that people start giving up on us and set expectations on when we should be done grieving. That's so selfish of people to do that, BUT I thank God I have had a lot of support from my family and friends. Although, I did get upset with your Grandpa for telling me that it's nice to see me doing good. How can he possible think I'm doing good? Yes....I'm walking and breathing, but that doesn't mean I'm good. I WILL NEVER GET OVER LOSING YOU. EVER! How can I or how can parents really get over it? They can't....they just learn to live this new so called life as a zombie until they can get it together, if ever you can.

I had lunch with Hallie, Pia, Julie, and Carrie. We had a really nice brunch talking about the kids and talking about you. Hallie said the first year of losing someone is a blur and it's the 2nd year that sucks. Great! I thought it would get easier, but I can see why she says that. I'm still in denial and it probably hits around that time that you will never be coming back. When I told Hallie about the medium stating there was a 40 year old man with Bacah greeting you in heaven....she thought of Eric. She thought her Eric may have been that person and I don't necessarily doubt that. I went back to read my notes and it didn't say this person had gone abruptly like I thought and she knew how much Eric and you bonded. So are you with him too?

This weekend we met a Downs' boy named Jacob at the soccer fields your cousins play in. It made me happy to see all the kids playing with him. You set that example for your siblings and cousins. You taught them to love all no matter their differences. They were so patient with him and enjoyed playing with him, even if he was bossing them around. LOL! I can see you doing the same thing. Besides Jacob, there were other Downs' children there playing soccer like you used to. I thought it would make me sad, but it didn't. It made me smile, because I thought back when you played and how great of an athlete you were and it was nice seeing these kids doing the same. It's hard to turn my back on them or any special needs. It's just part of who I have always been and I hope the new me doesn't stop helping them as I have always done. Daddy and I said we will take some time away from Special Olympics, but hopefully we can continue doing what we do best, giving our support to these athletes.

Mommy loves you always and I hope to see you in my dreams...or at night. I'm not scared to see you, should I be so lucky. I'm open to it, so don't hesitate to show up. I won't scream or get scared, because it will be a privilege to see you again. Until then my sweet Angel.

October is Down Syndrome month and love this beautiful poem posted by: I love Someone with Down Syndrome. Enjoy!


" My face may be different
But my feelings the same
I laugh and I cry
And I take pride in my gains
I was sent here among you
To teach you to love
As God in the heavens
Looks down from above
To Him I'm no different
His love knows no bounds
It's those here among you
In cities and towns
That judge me by standards
That man has imparted
But this family I've chosen
Will help me get started
For I'm one of the children
So special and few
That came here to learn
The same lessons as you
That love is acceptance
It must come from the heart
We all have the same purpose
Though not the same start
The Lord gave me life
To live and embrace
And I'll do it as you do
But at my own pace"

'I laugh, I love, I hope, I try,
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.
And I know you do the same things to,
SO we're not that different me and you!'

Eyes....

Can you see the sadness in my eyes? Can you tell I've been crying day in and day out? Some people say that I look like I'm taking it well or that it's hard to tell since I have this "shell" or "wall" or "stoic" look to me. Don't confuse that for being strong and being able to deal with the blow I've been dealt with. Don't confuse that for being a cold unemotional person, because it doesn't fit the mold you have created in your head in what an emotional person should look like. I'm in survival mode and fighting for my life! Yes, fighting for my life. Fighting to find new meaning in life. Fighting to keep it together to allow myself to function. Fighting to keep my marriage together. Fighting to keep my sanity with my kids who are left behind. Fighting against the depression that is wanting to set in. Fighting for the life I once had and want it back.

Until you have walked in my shoes and in my path, then you can't possibly know what I am going through, regardless of how you perceive it to be.

I understand you want to help me. As I said before help me by being by my side. Help me by talking about my beautiful daughter Elyce. Help me by not avoiding me. Help me by holding my hand, hugging me, patting my back, and by listening to me. Help me continue living life by inspiring me.

One day, I will be able to continue helping others as I have always have. One day I will continue making a difference, as I always loved to do. Until then, help me get through this painful stage in my life, for I know that Elyce would not want me to live a miserable life full of guilt and depression. Elyce wants me to live the life she lived and I will continue fighting for that just because of her. For her legacy was just that....live life to the fullest regardless of all the obstacles you may have faced or continue to face.

Words escape me today.....

but these two poems say it all.

God Saw

God saw the road was getting rough,
The hill was hard to climb;
He gently closed those loving eyes
And whispered “Peace Be Thine.”

The weary hours, the days of pain,
The sleepless nights have passed;
The ever patient worn-out frame
Has found sweet rest at last.

God Saw that you were weary
So He did what He knows best.
He came and stood beside you,
And whispered, “Come and rest.”

You bid no one a last farewell,
Not even a goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.

-Author Unknown-

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

- Author: Ron Tranmer -

Flashbacks to that day....

Today I'm sitting here flashing back to when Elyce took her last breath. Shane and I decided we didn't want to be there when they took her off life support, but luckily she wasn't alone. My Mom, my sister Vicky, Mara, and my aunt and uncle were by her side. They said she went peacefully, but I regret not being there to hold her hand. I wish I could have held her, but with all the tubes and stuff she was hooked up to, I didn't want to hurt her by climbing up on her bed and holding her.

The other thing that keeps popping up is remembering after she took her last breath and walking away leaving her in the hospital room by herself. How could I have left her by herself? We have never ever left her by herself and here we were turning our backs on her and letting strangers come and get her. I can picture them putting her in the coolers they keep the bodies, then transporting her to the morgue. I can also imagine her being put in the box that she was going to be cremated in. I know she was no longer in her body, but hard to think of her being cremated. That body that we tried to keep healthy for so many years gone........just like that.

During her 5 day hospital stay and after they intubated her, I was such a coward and scared to be around her when she was like that. I would go in talk to her and encourage her to keep fighting, but I think down deep inside I knew this was it. It was that feeling I get when I know something bad is going to happen. So I think me coming in and out of her room for short visits was all I could muster. She didn't look like herself and her little hands didn't feel like her either. But now as I sit here flashing back to those days, I feel like I missed out. I mean I was there when she came into this world, I should have been there when she left.

In the last 4-5 months of her life, I remember thinking what would I do if she were to pass away. This thought kept creeping into my head and I would have to yell at myself and say, "stop thinking of these crazy things". These thoughts would make me cry, but why they kept popping into my mind, I don't know. Maybe some sort of sign or intuition?

When I look back at her life since she was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in August 28, 2009, I can see how her health started deteriorating slowly. I would spend 2-3 hours a day researching cures, alternative medicines such as phyto and gamma therapies, and other diseases that can possibly mimic Celiac, but to not prevail. Guess what I didn't ever research? Sepsis and how her picc line could develop bacteria (specifically sepsis) without there being any signs. I think the reason why I didn't do research, was because I trusted that the doctor and nurses would have brought this up if it was a concern. Her dressing were changed weekly as they strongly emphasized and if there were any concerns, we would have seen them on the surface they say. Well.....that wasn't the case. As much as I try to stay away from asking the "what ifs", it's hard not to.

So for now I have to just accept that it was her time to go back and feel comfort in knowing she isn't alone in heaven.

Two months ago.....

Today marks two months since you have been gone and we are still in disbelief that you are gone and never coming back. When I say those words out loud, NEVER COMING BACK, they make me cry. Wow.....it's so final. Daddy and I sometimes feel you are just going to walk through the door, as if you are coming home from camp. We are logical people, but it's so illogical to think that you are gone. It still doesn't make any sense to us.

I look at this picture to remind me...not the best picture, but sometimes Mommy needs a reality check.

When I speak to people or when I write on Facebook that I am numb, people say that I shouldn't hold back and I should feel everything as part of my grieving. I wonder how many of them have lost a child that was their complete life? I'm sure none have. I'm not holding back the tears, the sadness, the anger, the disbelief, the guilt, the loneliness, and the excruciating pain. My body and mind is helping me get through all of this, by making me numb at times to ease that pain. It's not something I control. I actually feel guilty when I'm not feeling the pain....almost as if I have forgotten about you. God knows that will never happen!

On the forum I belong to, many people say that friends and family forget about them and they feel that since it's been so many months, years, etc., they don't need the support as they once needed when they first lost their child/husband/parent, etc. That's not the case. Elyce you gave me so much love, hugs, and kisses that I will never get again. Someone has to make up for it. A Hug, pat on the back, rub on the back, hand holding, etc are good. No words need to be spoken.

So today I received a Christian grieving booklet that talks about the grieving process and provides prayers depending on what stage you are going through. I'm not a very religious person, but am open to anything that will help me. The book mentioned God knowing our loss, because he too lost a son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to give us a way to overcome our sins and imperfections. So were you, Elyce, sent to us for the same reason? Granted you didn't die on a cross like Jesus did, but the lessons you taught us were similar to those Jesus taught.

• Do not judge others - love all
• Trust God and that everything will work out as planned
• Don't be anxious about tomorrow - enjoy life today
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (The "golden rule").

These lessons that you have taught us will go on forever in our hearts. When we start feeling judgmental, we will remember how loving you were to all those that crossed your path. When we don't have faith in God, we will always remember that there's a bigger plan for us and we will know when it's time. When I worry about the holidays coming up, I will try to enjoy life as it is today. When I feel anger and want to take it out on anyone who crosses my path, I will remember the golden rule.

For today I am not very open to Jesus's message, because today I am angry at him. Even though logic is telling me that you were heaven sent and I was the lucky person that was chosen to be your Mother, I'm still angry that I do not have you here today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day in which I can open up my heart and soul to him.

Can you send me some more signs? I can use them about now my beautiful Angel. Mommy loves you more!!

Dear Elyce

Hello my baby girl. Mommy is missing you very much. There are so many things that remind me of you, which makes me smile and make me sad at the same time. I can go on my days somewhat ok, but it's those moments that I can see you doing something as if you are there that makes me sad. How I long to see and hold you! I ask myself, what would I do if I had you for a few seconds, minutes, hours, day? Then I realize it wouldn't change anything on how I feel about not having you with me all the time.

This weekend I took kids up to San Diego while daddy was working. We went to Balboa Park and had our lunch there. After lunch I let the kids go play in the fountain. The kids were first timid and I had to encourage them to get in and run around and get wet. As I sat there watching them, I can picture you getting in the water and having that big smile as if you did something totally crazy. You would have splashed water on your face and hair and would have said, "not bad....I like it!". Then you would have splashed around, while all the time you would be looking at me and laughing. God I miss that so much. It's just not the same without you. Did you send the Downs boy there for me? The boy that was also 21 years old and had a mother who had him at the same age I had you? He was precious and in great shape, just like you were. He was athletic like you. His Mom said he was a very healthy eater and didn't eat junk food.....well that part wasn't like you so much. :-)

On Sunday I had my first IE tennis match. Were you watching me? Did you see I put your pink chair outside the court so you can sit and watch? I felt you there and I hope you weren't too disappointed that we didn't win. We gave it all we had and I felt good on how I played. You always encouraged me to do the best when playing tennis and you always cheered me on. When I would finish my match, you would come inside the court with that huge smile of yours and ask me, "you won Mom?" Good thing most of the time was yes, I won. Then you would say, "finally!", as if it was my first win. Noe and Stephanie don't do that. They don't encourage me. They don't ask how I did. They don't seem to care and it just reminds me that I will never have that love that you had for me ever again. It's sad, because they don't have the enthusiasm, the unconditional love for me, the spark that you used to have, and the overall love for life like you did.

These types of days are so unbearable that sometimes I wish I was there with you. God help me get through these difficult days and find peace. I love you my sweet angel!

I'm a Believer - Part 2

Continued:

1. Medium said Elyce wants to know why I haven't gone into her room to get her things together. She said only time I went in was to grab something of Elyce. Medium asked me if it was perfume and I said no. FACT: I have been avoiding going into her room. I have only gone in there to grab her pjs and blouses so I can wear.

2. Medium said Elyce is asking why I still have her car. Medium asked is her car blue? FACT: Yes, Elyce car I bought her when she turned 21 is blue hybrid and I still have it, because I drive it to work.

3. Medium said Elyce is putting up a wall for her dad, but that she has another person she considers her dad. She also asked if bio dad was at the hospital when Elyce passed. FACT: Her bio dad doesn't get involved with Elyce and Elyce has always considered Shane her dad. Bio dad wasn't present at all in the hospital.

4. Medium said that Elyce wants her dad not to feel bad and he did the right thing. Elyce also said it's going to be ok. FACT: Shane has been struggling and telling Elyce how sorry he is for everything that happened to her. He's having a hard time getting passed it.

5. Medium said that Elyce is concerned about a boy...asked if she had a brother and I said, yes. Medium said he is taking it harder than we think. She said this boy has possible attention deficit or some psychological disorder. FACT: He has been having a hard time and cries when he sees his sister or I cry. He has been pretty emotional. I have always told Shane he has attention deficit.

6. Medium asked if there was two birthday in the last 30 days. She said Elyce put up happy birthday balloons. Medium said Elyce was present at our birthdays and to look at pictures for aura. FACT: My birthday was August 22 and Shane Sept 1. There are a couple of pictures with a bizarre light above my head.

7. Medium asked if I was older than my husband. She said that Elyce laughs and says I'm older. FACT: I am 4 years older than Shane.

8. Medium asked if Elyce has letters in her room on her wall. She asked if the letters were TVHS or something. She said she is pointing at letters on her wall. FACT: Shane framed Elyce's name and it's the only thing with letters on her wall.

9. Medium said that Elyce is concerned with a boy legs and that it really does hurt, but he doesn't say. She said it may be his knee. I asked medium to ask Elyce if it's Noe she is talking about. Elyce winked and smiled. FACT: After telling Shane what the medium said, Shane said Noe has been waking up crying that his knee hurts, but thought it was just growing pains.

10. I asked Medium where Elyce hangs out in the house. Medium said she is at the end of the bed and she sees me cry. She also hangs out in her room. FACT: I feel her the most in my room, but the times I have gone in her room I have felt her presence.

11. Medium said Elyce doesn't want me to use a medium. Medium said I have some psychic abilities and when I talk to Elyce she hears me and talks to me. Medium said that what I hear is Elyce talking to me. FACT: I've always felt that I have some kind of intuition or something and I have only lost 2 important people in my life. My great aunt and my beautiful Elyce. I've been able to feel each of their presence and cover my head and close my eyes, because I think I will see them. There have been other things that have happened to me in the past as well.

12. Medium said she gets impression Elyce's death was a surprise and she sees a sharp impact on her chest. Medium asked if she was in a car accident. I say, no. She said she's getting a sharp impact on her chest. Medium also said she is getting the impression Elyce was dead, but then not dead and then dead again. FACT: Elyce had to be forcefully intubated, because she was turning blue and they had to do an emergency intubation which is hard on the chest. Elyce was pronounced brain dead before we took her off life support.

13. Medium said Elyce knows I was surprised on all the information I was getting without asking hardly any questions. FACT: My mouth was open when medium was rambling on with all this information. This was all done over the phone.

Using a medium is not something I have ever done or consider doing. I'm a very logical person and things have to make sense to me. I am also spiritual, because I do believe there are many people with this unbelievable gift. Although if it was me, I would be scared all the time. At an early age, I remember I would wake up crying and telling my parents my dream was always about death. All I can remember now is that it was about death and there was something hard like a concrete block and my head would rest on it. Weird, but I outgrew it, until I was a teenager and had some other experiences where I knew something bad was going to happen, but never knew what and when exactly.

Anybody out there have similar psychic experience or use a medium in the past?

From a friend

I'm going to post a letter that was beautifully framed, but have no idea which one of my friends gave this to me the day of Elyce's service. So if it was you, please let me know so I can properly thank you! This beautiful frame sits on my desk at work and I get to see and read it everyday and I am grateful!

- In Memory of Elyce -

Our hearts break for you today, Christina,

And for the precious treasure which you allowed us to share,

Surely, God knew what he was doing when he smiled down upon you,

And found the perfect mother for one as special as Elyce.

With the strength of a mother lion,

You expected the most and settled for nothing less,

Regardless of the challenges you faced along the way.

No disability on earth was going to make your daughter different
from any other girl.

Your beautiful, unconditional love was reflected in all she became.

Her 1000 watt smile, laughing eyes, ready laughter, abundant love,

Quick "thumbs up", steady work ethic, concern for others...

There were traits created and nurtured by you.

Just watching the two of you together was pure joy.

Christina, you could not have done a better job making Elyce's life
meaningful and full of love and dignity.

We will miss her sweet, sweet presence in this world.

I'm a Believer - Part 1

I'm sure most of you were wondering what I meant when I posted that I'm a Believer. I've had such sadness and have been needing some comfort and wanting to know that Elyce is ok, that I was considering using a medium. An acquaintance offered to give me a reading about a week ago, but it ended up getting me more frustrated than giving me peace. The only information I was getting was that Elyce was very concerned about me and she wanted me to get counseling, etc. When I asked the medium my questions, the medium stated I wasn't ready for this information according to Elyce. I wasn't ready? Really? I prepared myself for this meeting and all I get is this I ask? I knew this medium meant well, but nevertheless it left a bad taste in my mouth.

This past week I decided to look for a Reiki Master so Shane can try it out in hope it will help him. I found a Reiki Master and noticed that she also does reading. I emailed the medium and told her my past experience with the other medium and told her I was interested in a possible reading. She said the only reason why the other medium wasn't getting information, was probably because Elyce didn't want to talk to her. Then she goes on to say that as she is writing to me, she is getting a message in Spanish from an older lady that is with Elyce. This lady was holding a black rosary and her name had 2 names in it ____ Maria or Maria _______. My first reaction was really? Which Hispanic family doesn't have a "Maria" family member in it? I thought this medium is assuming I'm Mexican and she must have thought to herself, can't go wrong with guessing there was a Maria related to us in heaven. Skeptical but always curious, I decided to go ahead and move forward with this medium. The cost was $25.00 for 15 minutes, so I figured it's worth a try. I emailed her back and she gave me phone number to call and reminded me to hold Elyce's picture close to me when I call.

Prior to the reading I Googled my name to see what would come up and the only thing was my blog. The only way this medium can get detailed information was if she knew Elyce or I, or if she was a good detective. The day of the reading I wrote down a few questions I was preparing to ask. Our conversation started with some niceties, followed with asking me if I figured out who this family member named Maria was. She said she was the one to greet Elyce along with a 40 year old man. My goal was to give little information to this medium and just write down everything she was saying. I didn't really acknowledge if I knew them or not. I also didn't tell her Elyce's name until the middle of the reading. The only information the medium had was my name.

Key Points in this reading were:

1. Older lady speaking Spanish with 2 names (Maria being one of the names) was Elyce's Bacah (Grandma Rose) real name: Rosa Maria

2. The 40 year old with them was Elyce's uncle (Rose's son). George passed away a few years back at a young age of 40+ from an epileptic attack.

3. Medium asked if I knew Al. She said there were (2) Al's that were Elyce's friends name that she was concerned about. FACT: Al 1=Allison her best friend. Al 2= Alba her Spanish sister. Allison nickname is "Al" and Elyce started calling Alba "Al" more so to give Alba a hard time. She would say "Al" and start busting up.

4. Medium wanted me to give 1 of the Al's Elyce's purses. Medium said purses, because she was getting the impression that clothes won't fit her, because of the difference in size. Medium stated one of them is taller and she stated she was getting impression Elyce is shorter. FACT: I spoke to Allison's mom and told her Elyce would want Allison to have some of her stuff that Allison had given her for Elyce's birthdays, although the clothes would not fit Allison. I told her that I remember Allison giving Elyce 2 purses and those should go back to her. Only person I ever mentioned this to was Allison's mom. My husband didn't even know about this conversation.

5. Medium wanted me to give the other Al Elyce's hoodie. FACT: Alba and I went shopping at Hollister and Alba liked a hoodie, which she bought. I decided to buy one for me and the other for Elyce. This is the only hoodie Elyce ever wore, because she prefers to wear zip up sweatshirts. She only wore this hoodie, because she liked being twins with her sister Alba.

These are just a couple of things that the medium stated. As I was hearing this information and trying to write down everything that was coming from her mouth, I was in disbelief in how much detailed information she knew.

To Be Continued...............

Shock & Sadness

Losing a child isn't something I wish upon anyone, even to my worst enemy (which I don't really have). When you think you have a handle on your mourning, you get hit with reality as if it's the first time you have heard your daughter passed away. My therapist says I'm still in shock and I believe her, because today as I was driving it suddenly occurred to me that Elyce is dead....yes dead! Then I'm in disbelief and in shock to hear this as it was the first time. Realistically I know she passed away, but someone my brain gets fooled into thinking otherwise. Weird how our brains work to protect us from enduring this monstrous pain!

If someone asked me what I would like to get rid of that is affecting me, I would say SADNESS. Most people that know me would be surprised to hear sadness over anxiety. It's a bit odd for me not to feel anxious as I did when Elyce was with me. I haven't figured that one out, but I wonder if somewhere deep inside there is some comfort in knowing that she isn't suffering. Another part would be that I no longer worry about her as I did when she was at school or with us and having to figure out what she is able to eat every single day. Anxiety is a somewhat easy fix in that we can just pop a supplement and it will all get better. Your heart will stop racing, your palms stop sweating, your breathing will be normal, your level of patience will increase, etc. But for sadness, what's the cure? How do you mend a broken heart that has a huge hole in it and there's nothing in the world that can be done to fill it back up?

As I sit here thinking of sadness, I keep going back to the daily conversations I had with Elyce regarding her sadness due to her Grandma's and Frida's passing. I would explain to her that there was nothing we can do to bring them back and to always look up in the clouds and maybe she can see them. She would look up in the clouds and ask me, Grandma Rose and Frida are up there? I would say, yes, but you won't see Frida's black coat, because when they are in heaven they are all white. Obviously I was clueless on the colors and now that I read Heaven's For Real, I would answer that differently.

I recall my conversation with her naturopathic doctor about Elyce's daily sadness and her doctor recommended some drops of flower essence, which she didn't get a chance to take them very long. Elyce had a really hard time accepting the deaths of her loved ones. Now I ask myself....was God trying to prepare me for death? Was he giving me the direction on how to deal with death? If so, it's not working and who was I fooling when I'd tell Elyce that they are sitting on the clouds watching over her. They were always by her side, as I think she is with me.

So my question to God or whoever is listening....how does any parent move on and live life. I've heard so many recommendations like "live as if it's your last", "life is precious, so enjoy every minute". How the hell do you enjoy your life with this sorrow? These sayings may work for those that haven't experience the death of a child, but not for those that lost a child. Every Mother out there....ask yourself, what would I do if my child off of a sudden passed away? I'm sure tears would roll down your cheeks and you would tell yourself to stop thinking of these awful thoughts.....AS I DID! I had these thoughts in my head the last 4-6 months. Why was I asking myself this question? Was this another way of preparing me??

Bereaved Parents Wish List

"Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand or go through it. "

Miss you my baby!

I'm dying inside today my beautiful girl. I struggle to breath and to keep it together. I've had some people that I never would have thought to be there for me and are and they are giving me hope and encouraging me to go on and smile, just like you would have wanted me to. It's funny how people struggle to find the words to say to me, but it isn't that hard and if they do not have words, just a hug and an acknowledgement would be fine. I've joined an online support group called MISS Foundation. There are many parents on this site that are mourning the lose of their child/children. The only downside to this is that it doesn't seem to get better in the sense that I will always miss you dearly and I will continue having good days and bad days.

Daddy and I are trying to keep it together. Your Daddy is having a very hard time. He misses you so much, as I do, but his days are so hard right now, because when he gets up in the morning to get kids going, he expects to see your door open and you strolling out with your eyes half shut. We feel helpless and there is such emptiness that we don't have energy to do much of anything. I have days that I am in disbelief and I don't know if subconsciously I think you are coming back or what, but when reality hits its painful. It's almost like I'm reliving your death every time this happens....over and over again.

We are scared to forget your beautiful smile, humor, your facial expressions, your touch, your kisses, but we have pictures to remind us; Although, there aren't enough to satisfy me. I had to delete the ones I took of you on the beach, because those make me so sad. It takes me back to the day your fever started and the pictures show how you weren't feeling well, but you still put that smile on your face which amazes me! Those were the last pictures I took of you and it makes me sad. Your aunt Vicky took some of you when you were in the hospital, because the kids couldn't go in to see you. The other day when I was in my robotic mode, I decided to look at them to remind me that you are never coming back and it was hard to do, but I know I have to remind my robotic self of this often. Daddy is getting all your VHS videos that we have of you performing in your school plays. I can't wait to see them again....it's been awhile.

I look for signs of you, but I know that I have to be open to them in order to see them. At night when it's dark, I have my eyes open and I'm looking around to see if I can see you. I do see many different lights in waves...not sure what that means, but that's when I get scared and close my eyes. I'm going to see a medium sometime soon. She tells me she has already received messages from you and I can't wait to hear them. Please come by and visit me in my dreams. I'll be waiting for you. I love you my beautiful Elyce!